Hamlet for the Shakespeare-Impaired

Act 3, Scene 3

A room in the castle.  Enter King Claudius, Rosencrantz, and Guildenstern.

King: I don't like this. It's not safe to let Hamlet run around, looney as a hatter. So pack your bags, 'cause I'm going to have you escorty him to England. He's a threat to the crown.
Guildenstern: We'd be glad to. You're right to be worried to have him around.
Rosencrantz: Yes! If something should happen to your most excellent high majesty, the whole country would suffer a tremendous loss.
King: Hurry up and get Hamlet to England before something really bad happens.
Both: We'll hurry.
[Exit Guildenstern and Rosencrantz, enter Polonius.]
Polonius: Your Majesty, Hamlet is on his way to the Queen's chamber. I'll hide behind a tapestry and eavesdrop. As you so wisely predicted earlier, she's bound to get him to tell why he's acting weird. She is his own dear mother, after all. I'll drop by before you go to bed to tell you what I heard.
King: Thanks.
[Exit Polonius. ]
King: Oh, I've done a terrible thing. Like Cain did to Abel...murdered my own brother. And even though I've got a lot of great things now, I feel so guilty. My hands are forever stained with blood. How can God ever forgive me? If I really felt remorse, I'd have to give up the titles, crown and Queen I gained by doing this awful thing. Does the ends justify the means? Maybe in this life, but not in the afterlife. I can't hide my guilt from God. I feel so bad! God forgive me!
 [He kneels. Enter Hamlet.]
Hamlet: Aha! He's alone, praying, ususpecting. I can kill him now! [Draws sword] Wait a minute...he's praying. If I kill him while he's praying, he'll go straight to heaven. What kind of stupid revenge is that? He never gave Father time to repent before he died, so why should I do him that favor? It wouldn't do any good to kill him now. Sorry, Mr. Sword, you'll have to wait. I'll kill him sometime when he's drunk, or angry, or...it makes me want to gag just thinking about it...having sex with my mother. When he's doing something bad...then I'll kill him. So he'll go straight to Hell where he belongs. I've got to leave Mom alone, though. She'll die and answer for her sins eventually anyway, and Father told me not to hurt her.
 [Exit Hamlet.]
King: [Rises.] I just don't have my heart in this prayer business tonight. Sigh.