Hamlet for the Shakespeare-Impaired

Act 4, Scene 1

Elsinore. A room in the Castle. Enter King and Queen, with Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.

King: Okay, what's the matter. I can tell there's something wrong. You can tell me. Where's Hamlet?
Queen: [To Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.] Can you please give us a moment to talk alone?
[Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.]
Queen: Oh, I've seen a terrible, horrible thing!
King: What is it, Gertrude? How is Hamlet?
Queen: He's totally insane! He heard a noise behind the tapestry, whipped out his sword, and shouted something about a rat, and then, totally out of his mind, killed Polonius!
King: Oh, no! I knew he was dangerous. He'd have killed, no matter who was behind the tapestry, I fear. Now what do we do? Punish him for murder? Alas, I fear we were too close to him to really see how nuts he was. We tried to ignore the problem, but it only got worse. Where is Hamlet now?
Queen: He was going to hide the body. He does show remorse, though.
King: Oh Gertrude! At dawn's first light we'll ship Hamlet off to England before he can do any more harm. Hey, Guildenstern! Rosencrantz!
[Rosencrantz and Guildenstern re-enter.]
King: Dear friends, we need your help. Hamlet has gone off his rocker and killed Polonius. He killed him in the Queen's bedroom, but dragged him away to hide him. Go find him and bring the body back here. And please hurry!
 [Exit Rosencrantz and Guildenstern.]
King: Now, come, Gertrude, we should go tell our friends about our plan. I hope this doesn't ruin our family's name. Oh, this is awful! Let's go!