Hamlet for the Shakespeare-Impaired

Act 4, Scene 4

Near Elsinore. Enter Fortinbras (the Norwegian guy) with his army.

Fortinbras: Go, Captain, and greet the Danish king for me. Tell him I want to march this huge army through his country on the way to attack Poland. Tell him we're just passing through. But if he doesn't give us the right-of-way, we'll just take it.
Captain: Yes, sir.
Fortinbras: Go now.
[Exit all but the Captain. Enter Hamlet, Rosencrantz, Guildenstern, and more underpaid extras.]
Hamlet: Hey, you! Whose army is that?
Captain: Norway's, sir.
Hamlet: What are they doing here?
Captain: We're going to attack Poland.
Hamlet: Who's leading the army?
Captain: The nephew of the last king of Norway, Fortinbras.
Hamlet: Are they headed to the main part of Poland, or the fringes?
Captain: To tell the truth, we're just going to go conquer a little patch of land that is worthless except for the honor of holding it. I wouldn't bother to farm it for all the tea in China. It's really good for nothing.
Hamlet: Then why the heck are you going to attack it?
Captain: Well, we've already got troops there. Why not?
Hamlet: Two thousand soldiers and twenty thousand bucks for a little patch of dirt? What a waste! People dying for no good reason. And I thought I was wacky! But, go right ahead.
Captain: Uh...Thanks.
[Exit the Captain.]
Rosencrantz: Shall we go now?
Hamlet: I'll be right there. You go on ahead.
[Exit all but Hamlet.]
Hamlet: Everything seems to be going wrong. At this rate, I'll never get to take revenge! All I have time to do is eat and sleep. What good is that? Animals do that. Big deal. God didn't make us intelligent for no good reason. Although animals don't have to worry about morals and all that. They also don't procrastinate. There's no reason for me to be standing here now, after all this time, still wondering when I should kill Claudius. I've got a reason to kill him, the will to kill him, and the strength. Look at that big army, led by a palace-bred prince like me, all ready to act...to march off and kill. Without hesitation. And for reasons a lot less important than mine. My honor is at stake, and that of my father as well. Twenty thousand men marching off with no fear of death. Accepting their fate. Well, I've got to act. I won't think of anything else until I do. So there!