Some of these are meant to be serious, some funny, and some just plain silly. I'll leave it up to you to decide which are which! They were gathered from the Internet from bumper stickers, T-shirts and sig files. I can't take credit for writing any of these gems.
WORD PLAY Just when you think you've won the rat race along come faster rats. Who, me? I'm not dain bramaged. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? Headline: Bear takes over Disneyland in Pooh D'Etat! Envision Whirled Peas. Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready. Archeologists will date any old thing. Why do psychics have to ask for your name? They told me I was gullible...and I
believed them. Fleece on earth, good wool to ewe. Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines! Why do we drive on parkways and park in driveways? To vacillate or not to vacillate - that is
the question... or is it? Meeting - an event at which the minutes are kept and the hours are lost. 7/5 of all people don't understand fractions. Can you be a closet claustrophobic? Atheism is a non-prophet organization. There are no eggs in eggplants, nor ham in a hamburger. English muffins and French fries were not invented in either place. Why does quicksand work slowly? If "con" is the opposite of "pro", then Congress is the opposite of progress. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure. DAM : Mothers Against Dislexia Writers write. So how come grocers don't groce, fingers don't fing, etc.? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and throw all but one away, what do you call the thing left over? Why do you recite at a play and play at a recital? Why do "slim chance" and "fat chance" mean the same thing? Same goes for quite a lot and quite a few. Why do you fill in a form by filling it out? How come an alarm goes off by going on? How come, when the stars are out, they're visible, but when the lights are out, they're invisible? When you wind up my watch, you start it, but when you wind up a speech, you end it. Why does a shipment travel in a car and cargo travel in a ship? The more things change, the more they stay insane. Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery? If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled? Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns? If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? (Braille?) When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents worth in, what happens to the other penny? Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a racecar not called a racist? Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one? Do witches run spell checkers? What if there were no hypothetical questions? Proofread carefully to see if you any words out. It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere. Change is inevitable...except from vending machines. How can there be self-help
"groups"? Does fuzzy logic tickle? Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there. Always and Never are two words you should always remember never to use. When the chips are down, the cow is empty. The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. Don't use a big word where a diminutive one will suffice. Is Dan Quayle's name spelled with an "e" on the end? Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the head like this before. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? I am not a vegetarian because I love animals. I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. When Geronimo jumped off something, did he yell "MEEEEEEEE" ? To err is human, to moo bovine. Give me ambiguity or give me something else. I used to be clueless about math, but I turned that around 360 degrees. The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les. Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic. I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have. All generalizations are false. Is there another word for synonym? Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"? When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws children will evolve. When marriage is outlawed, only outlaws will have in-laws. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes. Today is the yesterday you worried about tomorrow. If I melted dry ice, could I swim in it and not get wet? What happens if you get scared half to death twice? Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking? "Hello? Front desk? Some guy named Gideon left his Bible here. " Nonconformists are all alike. CRIME DOESN'T PAY! Does that mean my job is a crime? One who farts in church sits in his own pew. Two wrongs do not make a right, but three lefts do. Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. Be Alert! The world needs more lerts. Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"? It hurts to be on the cutting edge. Be different. Conform. I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it. Introducing "LITE" - the new way
to spell "LIGHT" with 20% fewer letters! What's another word for thesaurus? On a postcard: The weather is here. Wish you were beautiful. Stressed is merely desserts spelled backward. Is it possible to be totally partial? If nobody is perfect, then to aspire to perfection is to wish to be nobody. Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed? If you throw a cat out of a car window, does it become kitty litter? If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from? Why is abbreviation such a long word? Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives? If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them? If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented? If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes"? Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack? A bus station is where buses stop. A train station is where trains stop. My desk is a work station! LIFE AND HUMAN NATURE Youth is when we are hunting greener pastures, and middle age is when we can barely mow the one we've got. Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them as much. Normal people worry me. Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood. Those who live by the sword get shot instead. If you think there is good in everybody, you haven't met everybody. Someone will always stumble across the truth. And usually he'll pick himself up and carry on. Yes, God created man before women, but you always create a draft before the final masterpiece. Don't take life so seriously. You'll never get out of it alive. When in doubt, mumble. I intend to live forever - so far, so good Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups. I like you but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.. How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on. It is far better to place a fence at the edge of a cliff than to have an ambulance waiting at the bottom. Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends. If they're OK, you're it. When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn't doing the same thing. No individual raindrop ever considers itself responsible for the flood. The young man knows the rules, the old man knows the exceptions. Love is like a bird. When you least expect it, it craps in your face. Never underestimate the power of human stupidity Diplomacy is the art of letting other people have your way. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. A true friend stabs you in the front. If you judge people, you have no time to love them. If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished! If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too? Sometimes I wish life had subtitles. If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one? I will never put off 'till tomorrow what I can forget about forever. If God had intended man to smoke, he would have set him on fire. The earth is like a tiny grain of sand, only much, much heavier. Some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle. What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off. A harp is a piano with no clothes on. A bird in the hand makes it difficult to
blow your nose. If you had everything, where would you keep it? When your pet bird sees you reading the
newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting? Voice: the only musical instrument made by God. I've always wanted to be normal, but lately I've come to suspect that this is it. When you someone asks you, "If you were marooned on a desert island and could have just one book with you, what book would it be?" you should reply "Building and Sailing Small Watercraft Using Only Primitive Tools." Whenever I start getting sad about where I am in my life, I think about the last words of my favorite uncle: "A truck!" Algebraic symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about. Eagles may soar, but a weasel never got sucked into a jet engine! Don't swim in the toliet or pee in the pool. Bright red meat is good for you. Fuzzy green meat is not good for you. If you strangle a Smurf, what color does it turn? Take a bite out of crime. It tastes like chicken. Due to recent cutbacks, the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off. A Concise History of Medicine: Never play leap frog with a unicorn. Flying saucers are real. The Air Force doesn't exist. According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist. He who laughs last thinks slowest. It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. What do they ship styrofoam in? How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection? Why is there an expiration date on sour cream? What was the best thing before sliced bread? If you're cross-eyed and dyslexic, can you read all right? If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? Why are power outages reported on TV? How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them? Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? Duct tape is like the Force- it has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together. Why do you need a driver's license to buy
liquor when you can't drink and drive? Don't be so open-minded your brains fall
out. If life is like a stage, I want better
lighting. Talk is cheap because supply exceeds
demand. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure? What hair colour do they put on the drivers licenses of bald men? I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks? Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen could look for them while they delivered the mail? If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for? DEEP THOUGHTS We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me. Dad always thought laughter was the best
medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis. I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it. I hope that someday we will be able to put away our fears and prejudices and just laugh at people. If you go through a lot of hammers each month, I don't think it necessarily means you're a hard worker. It may just mean that you have a lot to learn about proper hammer maintenance. I don't pretend to have all the answers. I don't pretend to even know what the questions are. Hey, where am I? Consider the daffodil. And while you're doing that, I'll be over here, looking through your stuff. What is it about a beautiful sunny afternoon, with the birds singing and the wind rustling through the leaves, that makes you want to get drunk? And after you're real drunk, maybe go down to the public park and stagger around and ask people for money, and then lie down and go to sleep. I bet a funny thing about driving a car off a cliff is, while you're in midair, you still hit those brakes! Hey, better try the emergency brake! If you ever crawl inside an old hollow log and go to sleep, and while you're in there some guys come and seal up both ends and then put it on a truck and take it to another city, boy, I don't know what to tell you. It's too bad that whole families have to be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs. It seemed to me that, somehow, the blue jay
was trying to communicate with me. I would see him fly into the house across the way, pick
up the telephone, and dial. My phone would ring, and it would be him, but it was just this
squawking and cheeping. "What?! What?!" I would yell back, but he never did
speak English. If you work on a lobster boat, sneaking up behind someone and pinching him is probably a joke that gets old real fast. Somebody told me it was frightening how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared. If you're a cowboy, and you're dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine. Worship the potato? The idea seemed silly to me. But then I thought, what else is more deserving of worship? It's simple, it comes from the earth, and it can kill you if you disobey it. Anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what IS that thing?! How come the dove gets to be the peace symbol? How about the pillow? It has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have that dangerous beak. I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they'd never expect it. I remember how my Great Uncle Jerry would sit on the porch and whittle all day long. Once he whittled me a toy boat out of a larger toy boat I had. It was almost as good as the first one, except now it had bumpy whittle marks all over it. And no paint, because he had whittled off the paint. Once I wept because I had no shoes. Then I saw a man who had no feet. So I took his shoes. I mean, it's not like he needed them, right? FROM A NEWSPAPER
CONTEST WHERE READERS WERE ASKED TO IMITATE JACK HANDEY'S DEEP THOUGHTS I eat swiss cheese, but I only
nibble on it. I make the holes bigger. |
