Your name:

Your species:

Your belly button is... An innie An outie I'm an alien, so I don't have one. I had mine surgically removed I'm too fat to tell for sure

Number of times you were abducted by aliens in the past year: -12.3 1 8 Pi The Square Root of Two 4567 42 99 Bottles of Beer on the Wall 46.5 (the last time they took my twin) 3 Can't remember without hypnosis and my shrink is on vacation 69 666 123456789 987654321 321 Contact! Does it count if I went willingly? The fish.

Number of times you believe you've been reincarnated into farm animals:

Number of Pokemon you estimate would fit into a garbage compactor: 5 10 As many as I can get my hands on All of 'em, even if I have to shove them in there with a broom Don't know, I haven't caught 'em all yet! Don't know, I have been living under a rock for the last two years Don't know, I have been living with the aliens for the last two millenia Frosted Flakes are evil. Pass it on.

Number of toes: 5 9 10 0 Do tentacles count? All of 'em 12 556, in jars in the basement! Don't tell the authorities!

Describe your last experience with a mime, and why:

Are your nose hairs on fire at the moment?  Explain.

Check all that apply:

I have one eye

I have an inordinate fear of clowns

I was abducted by aliens in the last month.

I like cheese.

I like to eat cheese with clowns.

I only eat cheese with one-eyed clowns

I am the President of the Hair Club for Men

I am the President of the Hair Club for Aliens

I am the President of the Hair Club for Cheese

I am the President of the Really Big Red Hair Club for Clowns

I am an alien who has abducted the President of the Hair Club for Men

I am an alien who has been abducted by the President of the Hair Club for Men

Yogurt.

I hate lemmings

I have been abducted by bald lemmings.

My name is Bob

I would like to name a planet Bob

I had a pet lemming named Bob, but the aliens took him and fed him to their pet clowns

I am Regis Philbin

I plan to name my son Regis

I plan to name my clone Regis

My name is Bob but I like it when people call me Regis.

My name is Regis but I like it when people call me Bob.

My name is Yolanda but I like it when people call me "The Almighty, All-Seeing Overlord of the Infinite Spaghetti"

My name is Bob and I had a pet cheese named Yolanda until Regis ate her on his Spaghetti.

I had a pet lemming named Bob, but the aliens took him and fed him to Regis Philbin

I had a pet lemming named Regis, but the aliens took him and fed him to the President of the Hair Club for Men

I have been abducted by aliens who smell like cheese who force-fed me lemmings

I like Spam.

Especially with cheese.

And French Fries.

And clowns.

And Regis Philbin

But not Bob.  He smells like lemmings.

For a good time, check this box

For a natural solution to itchy, watery eyes, don't click this box.

For a natural solution to alien abduction, click this box

Click this box for no good reason.  Or not.  I don't care.

I am a lemming who was abducted by Regis Philbin's clown, Bob

I am a bald clown who was abducted by alien lemmings.

If you think O.J. is guilty, click here.

If you think O.J. is innocent, pardon us while we go out and laugh ourselves inside out.

If you think O.J. is a beverage, click here.

If you like to drink O.J. with your cheese, click here.

If you think aliens are responsible for Watergate, click here.

If you think cheese was responsible for Watergate, click here.

Hi.

Is your refrigerator running?   If so, click here, then please go and catch it.

Do you think the creators of this list have way too much time on their hands and/or are alien cheese-eating clowns? Yes No I am too! Of course! I'm scared now. One, but not the other. Only two of their multiple personalities. Tomato.

My life is so pathetic I don't have anything better to be doing than filling out this stupid survey

What is the strangest object you've ever found in your ear? Lint Regis Philbin Cheese An alien probe Clowns A prostitute The Loch Ness Monster A tomato Eh? Huh? What's that you say? I can't hear you! I've got a lemming in my ear! Only half applies because I am Vincent Van Gogh Does not apply because I don't have ears. All of the above. Darn public swimming pools!

What if Baloo and Sailor Moon had children? Who? How? Why? Yuck! Cool. I actually know who these people are, but I refuse to answer. I'm calling the authorities. What kind of sickos are you? Tsk tsk tsk. Inbreeding bad. See where genetic experiments have gotten us? Burrito

Write the solution to world peace, overpopulation, corrupt politics and navel lint in 50 words or less:

In your past life, you were... Yo Yo salesman A lemming salesman with a cheese fetish Sheep Herder Sheep Salesman Prostitute Sheep Prostitute President of the Hair Club for Prostitutes Llama Darth Vader Exxon chairman of the board Seal in Alaska Seal in the Sahara Seal on a Zip-loc bag, keeping veggies fresh! Rock artist Seal...you know, the guy with the scars on his face Goat Goat herder Llama used to guard goats President of the Hair Club for Goats A piece of lint A partridge in a pear tree A partridge trapped in a garbage bin by nasty neighborhood kids with too much time on their hands A member of the Partridge Family The president of the Hair Club for Partridges A prostitute used by a member of the Partridge Family Shirley McLaine Anyone named Bob A prostitute named Bob A clown prostitute named Bob Cleopatra's handmaiden's insurance agent's sandle salesman's cousin's lover's accountant's dog walker A poor child on the streets of New York City A piece of roadkill on the streets of New York City A prostitute arrested for illegal acts with a partridge on the streets of New York City Regis Philbin's alien clown friend "Skippy" Bob, a bald alien prostitute, who buys cheese with Regis dressed as lemming clowns in Cleopatra's Deli in NYC. A mime All of the above, and a pie

How many times have you been in a mental institution?  Describe.  Be sure to tell if the other patients miss us.

How many times do you think you will need to seek mental help after viewing this survey? 0 1 2 6 995,349,324,354.1 I am too far gone for therapy to help I'm dead I can only go if the lemmings let me out of the basement Jim

Number of hours of sleep you estimate the creators of this survey were deprived of: 2 6 10 48 Haven't slept since 1962 They are aliens so they don't need sleep 5.7339823 They are prostitutes so they don't get any sleep They're mimes, and it's hard to tell if they're really sleeping, or pretending Regis is keeping them slaves in his basement, making cheese, and doesn't allow them to sleep 9 Iguana

Approximate brain size of the creators: A doorknob A Buick Walnut Normal human brain Abnormal human brain Normal alien brain Abnormal alien brain Regis Philbin's brain A clown's brain A cheese wheel partially eaten by lemmings Brains are yummy. I keep them with the toes in the basement. Want to see? Velcro They have brains???

Amount of caffeinated beverages consumed prior to writing this survey: Swimming pool Belly-button full Inspector Gadget's hat full A cheesefull Who cares? Ask Regis. E pluribus unum Enough to drown a lemming

If you are Regis Philbin, and would like to sue us, please click here:

If you are the mothership and would like to contact us, please just use our beeper number.

If you think this entire survey is very demented and disturbing, click this box.

If this entire survey made perfect sense to you, click this box and then seek professional help immediately.