Absence Makes the Heart Go Plunder

Tale Spin Fan Fic

by Katie Sullivan

Chapter 1

The lone cargo plane flew lazily above the sea outside Cape Suzette, on the return trip from Port Largo. The pilot, a middle-aged beagle, was complacent. True, his cargo was valuable: fine linens, silks, and a shipment of crystal, but he was confident it would be a nice, quiet run. For some reason no air pirates had been seen in the area for a couple months. The pilot grinned to himself and leaned back in his seat, holding the controls with just one hand. Maybe that rotten Don Karnage character had finally given up. Or crashed. Or gotten arrested. Or killed. It didn't much matter which, as long as his cargo got there on time.

The pilot's confidence was unfounded, however. For, like a bullfrog awaiting a fly, the Iron Vulture was lurking in a cloud bank not far away. The air pirates were not gone at all, but back from their working vacation in Cabo Orgulloso, and hungry for looting.

The giant beak of the airship opened and spat out six CT-37 fighters. The lead plane, a brown tri-wing with the numeral 1 on the tail, was flown by none other than Don Karnage himself.

With Scarlet and Mad Dog as his wingmen, Karnage swooped out of the cloudbank and purposely came dangerously close to hitting the cargo plane head-on. He pulled up at the last instant.

The heretofore relaxed pilot blinked, as if seeing a mirage. It couldn't be! They were gone...weren't they?

The sharp cacophony of gunfire rang out, and a line of puckers appeared on the windshield.

No, they were real! Very real! And right on top of him! He couldn't even try evasive maneuvers to escape; he was surrounded! Before long, there was the mind-peircingly shrill sound of rending metal, and a panel of the hull came loose, sucked into oblivion by air pressure. A pair of scruffy pirates barged in, each holding a crowbar and blunderbuss. The latter were aimed at his head. Quaking, the pilot raised his hands in surrender.

Then, in through the hole came the figure no cargo pilot wants to meet, sword drawn and coat tails fluttering. There was no mistaking his identity. The anachronistic blue uniform, the tattered ear... Even without wanted posters, he was known by reputation across the South Pacific.

Don Karnage.

He was followed by three others: a scraggly weasel, a hulking bulldog and a beautiful blonde vixen in a loose white blouse, also bearing a sword.

"Good day, dear victim-pilot!" Karnage said cheerfully, tickling the tip of the wide-eyed beagle's nose with his sword point. "What valuable thingies do you have for my glorious self today?"

Mad Dog ripped open a crate. "Look, Cap'n! Sheets'n'pillowcases'n' towels and stuff! We don't have to steal 'em from hotels no more!"

"Those are not valuable, you nincompoop!" Karnage scoffed.

"Maybe not to you, but I could use some clean linen, thank you very much," Scarlet said curtly. "Some the cockroaches haven't been camping out in!"

"Whatever you are wishing, querida," he said with a shrug.

Scarlet pointed to a large crate identical to the one Mad Dog had broken. "Take that one," she instructed Dumptruck.

"Aw, how boring," the bulldog grumbled.

Meanwhile, Karnage strolled leisurely among the rows of boxes, thoughtfully inspecting everything as if browsing in a department store. "One of those...and one of those...that...ooh, and that big one with the fragile label!"

The pirates began loading crates onto their planes, and soon the cargo bay was nearly empty. Karnage clasped his hands and inhaled as if smelling flowers. "I just love the scent of plunder in the morning, don't you, mi amor?"

Scarlet sliced the air with her sword, enjoying the loud swishing noise. "Absolumente!"

He turned to the hapless pilot and sliced off his goggles with a careless flick of his blade. "Muchas gracias for the goodies, señor!" he said mockingly. "Tell the shore patrol the dread pirate Captain Don Karnage sends his regards, and that I--" he paused, posing grandly, "--am back!"

With that, he and the others leapt from the hole in the hull, swinging and climbing on ropes into their planes. A well-placed round of machine gun fire took out the cargo plane's right engine, and the pilot was forced into an emergency landing, splashing awkwardly into the ocean and teetering lopsidely on one pontoon for a moment. The air pirates headed straight back to their airship to take stock of their booty.

It was like a giant contraband Christmas in the cargo bay of the Iron Vulture. The contents of each crate were a mystery, and the pirates gleefully tore into them, calling out their finds.

"Silks!"

"More silks!"

"Radios!"

"More silks!"

Don Karnage surveyed the activity from the sidelines with Scarlet on his arm, grinning triumphantly. It felt good to be back. Distanced, at least physically, from the ghosts of his past. Prowling his own territory again. Enjoying an even deeper understanding with Scarlet. The crew was rested. The local pilots had grown careless in his absence. Life was wonderful!

The air was filled with the sound of rending wood and happily shouting pirates.

"Crystal!"

"Crystal goblets!"

"Crystal candlesticks!"

"More silks!"

"Silver!"

"More radios!"

"Silks with purdy lil' butterflies on 'em!"

"Crystal bowls!"

"A dozen crystal wine glasses!" *CRASH!* "Er, make that eleven crystal wine glasses!"

"More silver!"

"More silks!"

"A...a woman?" Hacksaw said with confusion.

Don Karnage's ears perked up. "What?"

"A lady! See!" The hulking pirate held up a red-haired vixen by the waist.

"Put me down, you scruffy, bad-breathed, fleabitten excuse for a doormat!" the vixen snarled, kicking at her captor until he dropped her.

Scarlet dashed over, her mouth agape. "Sis?"

The stranger looked up with a start. "Scarlet?"

The two vixens squealed in delight and hugged, hopping up and down in joy.

"What are you doing here?"

"Where've you been?"

"Are you okay?"

"I can't believe this!"

The other pirates stood by, gawking in confusion. Don Karnage elbowed his way into the the unexpected reunion, frowning. "What is going on?" he snapped.

Through her laughter, Scarlet explained, "Querido...you just plundered my sister!" The two burst into renewed giggles.

"Who? What?" Karnage stammered. "¿Qué?"

Scarlet gestured at the newcomer. "This is my sister, Katarina! Sis, this is my boyfriend and captain, Don Karnage."

Katarina gave him a hearty handshake. "Yeah, I think we've shared a few post office walls. You know how hard it is to mail a letter when your wanted poster is up? I've never met a real, live pirate before. Of course, come to think of it, I've never met a fake, dead one, either. Still, you look a lot better in person than on the wanted posters!"

Karnage returned the handshake and grinned widely. "She can stay," he said quickly.

Scarlet laughed and turned back to her sister. "So tell me, what are you doing stuck in a cargo crate bound for Cape Suzette?"

Katarina shrugged. "Well, I would have been in a first-class seat, but those anal-retentive border guards in Ubangbang didn't want to let me leave. Had something to do with the guns I had smuggled in. Go figure."

"Smuggling?" Karnage raised a greedy eyebrow.

The fiery-haired vixen reached back into the crate she had been occupying. "You bet. At the moment, I've got a batch of historical documents one of my sources...'obtained'...if you catch my meaning, from a museum in Lisbon." She held up a satchel stuffed with crinkled, yellowed documents. "There's a certain individual in Cape Suzette wishing to acquire these, for a handsome sum."

"What is in there?" Karnage asked, peering hungrily at the ancient papers.

"Some old ship's logs and inventories and stuff. All in other languages, so I can't read it. By the way, great accent! Where are you from?"

Scarlet put a hand on Katarina's arm. "Don't bother, sis. It took me forever to wrestle that out of him!"

"Don Karnage is a man of mystery!" he said, raising his nose.

The crew was still standing around, mystified by the sudden arrival of Scarlet's sibling. Katarina was eyeing them warily. Seeing they were making her nervous, Scarlet said, "Let's go up to the observation deck and talk. I guess we've both got a lot of explaining to do!"

Don Karnage nodded. "Yes, fine." Addressing the crew, he said, "Keep up the working, men! I want it all opened and inventoried. And accounted for!" A few pirates stuffed their hands in their pockets and whistled innocently. The Captain shot them a warning glare, and they grinned.

"This way, sis," Scarlet said, leading the way up a metal staircase, her boots clanging. To the disappointment of the pirates, Katarina took her satchel with her.

Once settled on the gilded Arabian couch on the observation deck of the Iron Vulture, a small platform with a picturesque vista of the sky below them, the Hindenfur sisters talked for an hour. They had a seemingly endless list of things to tell each other, memories to share, and in-jokes to giggle at. The two had cooperated in a combination jewel-thievery/smuggling operation some years ago, but had eventually drifted off on separate paths.

"Everyone always wondered how we could afford that Ferrari when neither one of us had a job!" Scarlet laughed.

"Even though some of us never got their driver's license!" Katarina teased.

"Who needs a license?" Scarlet scoffed. "I bet you don't even have a pilot's license, do you, querido?"

"Hmm?" Don Karnage looked up from the newspaper he had long since lost himself in. "What did you say?"

"Do you have a pilot's license?"

"I am a pirate! I do not need a silly license!" he sneered.

"See what I mean?"

"Since when do you need a license to be silly?" Katarina asked.

Karnage blinked in confusion.

"Never mind," Scarlet said, gesturing for him to go back to his newspaper. Instead, he finally allowed his greedy hands to stray to Katarina's satchel.

"Hands off, ugly eyebrow-boy! That's mine!" she snarled.

His blade was in her face an instant later. "What did you just call me? Are you wishing to be separated from your nose, rude one?"

Scarlet stood and pushed his sword aside. "Cálmate, querido. She always insults people she likes. It's nothing personal."

Unconvinced, he returned its sword to its original position. "What about those she does not like?"

"Oh, I insult them, too. Just worse. Or ignore them."

Scarlet stared him down until he sighed and put away his sword, leaned back in his chair with his feet on the antique table, and sulked. She heard snatches of unkind words in Spanish muttered under his breath.

"Actually, if whatever language that is you're insulting me with is on one of those old papers, you could do a little translating for me," Katarina said.

"Rrreally?" he said, perking up.

"Sure."

He eagerly began leafing through the dry, yellowed documents. Momentarily, he frowned. "There are none in the Spanish, but this is Italian," he said. "I can read most of it. Is directions to...somewhere."

"That's helpful," Katarina griped.

"Give me un momento, big-in-the-mouth! It says..." He ran a tentative finger along the words, his mouth moving silently as he read to himself. "There is a tree on a peninsula that is shaped like a letter Y."

"Ooh," Katarina said in mock fascination.

"Shut up and let me read!" he snapped. Scarlet cast a warning look at her sister. "From this tree, one walks...twenty paces west...due west...to a rock. A large rock. Or a mule. What was that word again?"

"Don't look at me, querido! The only Italian I know is 'Buon Giorno'!"

"Fettuccine Alfredo Spaghetti Marco Polo Mussolini," Katarina teased.

"I said, shut up!" Karnage said, baring his teeth at them. "Do you not understand? This is a treasure map! At the south face of this rock...or mule...dig down into the dirt four feet and find a buried chest full of gold pieces!" His dark eyes danced with excitement.

"Really?"

"Yes!" In his enthusiasm, he jumped up on the table with his sword held high. "A real, actually, true buried treasure! Just what I have always wanted! At last! Hee hee!"

"That's great, but it's my map," Katarina said, snatching it from his upraised hand.

Karnage was about to launch into a tirade of curses, but instead decided to use a weapon that had been far more successful with the Hindenfur women in the past: his charm. With a disarming smile, he leapt down from the table and said, "Now, now, my cranky new acquaintance, rrrelax! I was simply...admiring."

Katarina's frown lessened. "Fine, admire, but keep your scurvy hands to yourself!"

"Can I look at it?" Scarlet asked.

"Sure. You I trust." Katarina handed the map over to her sister. Karnage stepped up and peered over her shoulder.

"I will admire handlessly, yes-no?"

Katarina raised an eyebrow.

Scarlet smiled. "Don't worry, sis. He may be a pirate, but I trust him."

"You are also a pirate, querida. Do not be forgetting."

Katarina finally exhaled heavily in defeat and shrugged. "Well, all right, Scarlet. If you trust him, I'll just have to trust your judgement. But if any of my papers go missing I'll rip out your spleen with an electric nose hair picker!"

"Fair enough," the blonde vixen said with a laugh. "So tell me, Captain, do you recognize the area in the map?"

"I am believing so..." Karnage mused, putting a hand to his chin. "That river is labeled the Arno. Florence is just up the river, and that dot--" he pointed, "--must be Pisa."

"Italy? You're Italian?" Katarina asked.

"No."

"It's a long story," Scarlet said, shaking her head to discourage further inquiry. She glanced at Karnage's face and saw the greedy yearning deep in his obsidian eyes. A real buried treasure. The one piratical accomplishment he had yet to fufill. A cliché, perhaps, a rarity...but important to him. She turned back to her sister. "I don't suppose I could borrow this from you...?"

Katarina hesitated. "I don't know..."

"We could go dig up this treasure!" she said, pointing excitedly at the yellowed parchment. "And split it with you, of course."

"30-70."

"50-50."

"60-40."

"Deal!" The vixens shook hands.

"Wait just a little minuito there, mi amor! That is not possible."

"What? Digging up the treasure? Of course it is! You've always said you wanted to."

"Sí. But you cannot split it up between you two like that. Unless Katarina joins the crew, and even then you would have to share with the rest of the men. I, of course, always get 25%. You know that."

"Well, sure, that's how we usually do things, but can't we make an exception?"

"Absolumente no! That is the way of the ancient Pirate Code. It has always been that. It cannot change."

"Why not? Pirates live to break rules, right?"

"Is not just a rule. Is the contract each and every man signed when he joined the crew. You signed it. I even signed it. Besides, is tradition. It must be kept right."

"Oh, come on, who would know?"

"Ahem," Katarina interrupted. "I agreed to let my sister have the map, not you and your band of filthy-handed pirates."

"It is all or nothing. The Pirate Code is unchange-able."

"Then it's nothing. I'd be willing to share with Scarlet, if she could find the treasure. But I'm not giving my share to this yahoo and his Pirates of the Caribbean. I need that money, or I'll go back to scraping fungus off the juice maker at the Burger Shack again. And I'm not joining your stupid crew either. It's not my style. I don't play well with others, and I don't look good in an eyepatch. Although the parrot would be fun..."

"How many pirate movies did you two watch as children, anyway?" Karnage asked with a disgusted look.

"A few," Scarlet said with a nervous laugh. "And I don't remember anything about some dumb Code."

"Is not a dumb Code! Is the very foundation of piracy! Did you not read it when you signed on? Perhaps you need your memory bolted."

"Jolted."

"Whatever." He went to the top of the stairs and bellowed downward. "Send up Will with a copy of the Code!"

Grumbled replies of confirmation came from below.

"Who's Will?" Scarlet asked.

"My second mate."

"I thought Dumptruck was your second mate."

"No. Will is. He does all the boring paperworking and thingies like that."

"Pirates do paperwork?" Scarlet asked increduously.

"But of course. I tell you, you have seen too many movies. But is boring, so I let Will do it all." Karnage shrugged. "Why sit and fill out inventory sheetings when I can be out plundering?"

Katarina leaned over to Scarlet and whispered. "Did he mean sheets, or--"

"Don't ask."

"You sent for me, Captain?" came a friendly male voice from the stairwell.

"Ah, yes, Will. Come here."

A somewhat plain but unassumingly handsome fox came up the stairs toting a large scroll. "The Code, sir," he said, handing it to Karnage.

"Very good. Now, let me see..." He untied the twine that held the scroll shut and spread it out on the table. "Ah. Here it is. Rule 2. Division of plunder."

Scarlet and Katarina looked over his shoulders at the parchment.

Don Karnage pointed to Rule 2. "See? There it is, written out plain and simply. You signed it, did you not?"

Scarlet frowned. "Well, sure, but--"

"No butting. The Code is permanent."

Katarina shrugged. "I don't know about you, sis, but that fifty lashes and/or death clause isn't exactly my idea of a fun evening."

Will came up beside her. "I can think of better ways to pass time, myself," he said dryly.

Scarlet put a hand on Karnage's arm. "But, really, querido, isn't there some way around it? I mean, I wouldn't be getting the treasure as a member of the crew, exactly. I'd be doing a favor for my sister. Surely that's not a problem, is it?"

"Firstly, my name is not Shirley. Secondly, no. Once you have signed the Code, you are never exemplary," he said sternly.

"Exempt?"

"That is the word."

"But--"

"End of discussion." Karnage shoved the parchment in her face and stomped off down the stairs.

Scarlet scowled at the now empty stairwell. Katarina shook her head and lowered an eyebrow. "Great taste in men, sis."

On to Chapter 2
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Pirate's Code adapted from "The Pirate's Handbook" by Margaret Lincoln. New York: Cobblehill, 1995.

This story and the character Scarlet are (c) Katie Sullivan and may not be used without permission. Katarina is (c) Kayleen Connell and may not be used without permission, either. Don Karnage, the Iron Vulture, the Air Pirates, Mad Dog, Dumptruck, Cape Suzette, Tale Spin and all related indica, etc, are (c) The Walt Disney Company and are used without permission for non-profit entertainment purposes only.