Splitting Heirs

Tale Spin Fan Fic

by Katie Sullivan

Chapter 3

14 July 1945

"I'm such a domestic failure," Scarlet said, flinging the knitting needles and tangle of green yarn across their cabin. "Pregnant women are supposed to knit booties and stuff. I can't tell my stitches from my pearls from my, my...whatevers! If it were up to me, our child would have to go naked!"

Don Karnage looked up from his newspaper, grinning with tolerant amusement that did nothing to improve her mood. He rose from the table and came over to her chair to massage her shoulders. "Now, now, Scarlet. You are not a failure. You are a pirate. Pirates do not knit! You should be using those big, nasty needles to stab someone with, not to make the little slippers."

"Use them for booty, not booties, you mean," she said, at last managing a smile.

"¿Qué?" ["What?"]

"Never mind."

As she spoke, there was a knock on the door. "Cap'n, visitor for the missus!" Hal called.

"I have a name," Scarlet growled, reaching for a spare knitting needle.

He put a hand on hers to stop her from raising the sharp implement. "Please, mi amor, do not let your hormones ruin a perfectly bloodless week."

She sighed and put down the needle as he went to the door. "What is it?" he asked impatiently.

The pot-bellied yellow cat gestured over his shoulder. "It's that red-haired dame. You know, the missus' sister. She just flew in."

Scarlet was at her husband's side in an instant, sans knitting needles. "Katarina?"

"In the fur!" came a voice from further down the darkly-lit corridor. Scarlet hurried toward it, and soon the two vixens were embracing happily.

"Sis! I've been trying to contact you for months!" Scarlet said.

"Yeah, I was hung up in Sahn Din Yerpantz with a load of dusty old artifacts. This war is really making life difficult for us smugglers. I was stuck there for months, with the hot sand, the occasional scorpion in my boots, and more camel stench than I care to smell in a lifetime! Anyway, I brought you a little something. And I do mean little." Katarina reached into the pocket of her light brown trenchcoat and brought out a miniature T-shirt. On it were the words, "My Aunt Went to Sahn Din Yerpantz and All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt".

Scarlet gasped in pleased surprise. "How did you know?"

"I'm psychic."

"More like psychotic. You've been talking to Mom and Dad, haven't you?"

"Nope. Just psychotic," she said with a twinkle in her eyes. "So...October, huh?" She eyed her sister's figure, which clearly showed her condition. Katarina put a hand to her chin thoughtfully, looking first from Scarlet to Karnage, then back again. "Well, congratulations, sis. All I can say is, I hope it's got your eyebrows!"

Scarlet giggled, while Karnage crossed his arms on his chest and straightened his back defensively. "And what is wrong with my eyebrows?"

Katarina gave a crooked smile. "You. Me. A pair of tweezers. Have your people call my people."

Before her spouse could get any more annoyed and/or confused, Scarlet shooed them both into their cabin. "Come on, you two. I've got pickle-and-ice cream sandwiches in the icebox."

"EEW!" Katarina recoiled.

"But you can have a chocolate sundae."

"Better."

Soon, they sat around the table in Karnage's cabin, the melting remnants of three sundaes in front of them. Katarina stirred the soupy leftovers with her spoon. "I thought you'd appreciate having another female around right now. A bunch of mangy pirates -- present company excluded -- aren't exactly the company I'd want if I were pregnant, you know?"

"And you wanted to see Will," Scarlet added slyly.

"Er...yeah. So? Perks aside, I'm here for you, sis."

"Thanks," she said with a genuine smile. "And guess what? Felipe and I have a major operation underway. Before the baby comes, we're going to--"

"SSH!" Karnage hissed suddenly.

"What? She's my sister. I tell her everything. Besides, maybe she can help."

"Help with what?"

Karnage winced. "No, no, no! I can not have word of our...Plan...getting out to anyone!"

"Really, querido, you can trust her."

"I do not like it." He saw he wasn't going to get anywhere with her, and began to sulk.

"Tough." Scarlet turned to Katarina. "We're going to make another all-out attack on Cape Suzette."

She leaned forward in her chair. "Really? Do tell!"

Karnage sprang to his feet. "Fine, fine, but I will do the telling!" He reached behind the bookshelf for his well-worn diagrams.

"Oh, geez," Scarlet said, rolling her eyes. "For the million-and-first time..."

"But for a new audience!" He grinned wolfishly. "Now..."

Katarina and Scarlet settled back in their chairs for the duration of the lecture. When he was done expounding on his new Master Plan, the red-haired vixen nodded in grudging appreciation. "It's so crazy, it just might work."

Karnage stiffened. "Never call me that word!"

"Querido, it's just a figure of speech," Scarlet said quickly. "Cálmate."

He scowled suspiciously at his sister-in-law's all-too-innocent smile. After a tense moment in which he managed to rein in his temper, she changed the subject. "So...got any names picked out yet?"

"We've got a list. Nothing definite."

"Anything weird? Are you going to stick the poor kid with eight million names like Don Felipe Esteban et cetera, over here?"

"Well, actually, yeah. We are. Apparently it's a Karnage family tradition."

"Oh, brother."

"Is there something wrrrong with it?" Karnage growled.

"No. But the kid's going to hate you every time it fills out an application," Katarina said with a shrug.

"Pirates do not fill out applications," he said disdainfully.

"He's got a point, sis," Scarlet said.

"Oh, sure, side with him."

"Hey, he's the one who keeps me supplied with pickles," she said with a laugh.

"If you eat any more pickles, that baby is going to born with green fur!" Katarina teased. "And bushy eyebrows."

"There is nothing wrong with my eyebrows!" Karnage insisted.

"Whatever you say. So, sis, you wanted my help with your 'Master Plan'?" she asked, pantomiming quotation marks with her fingers.

Scarlet turned to her husband. "We could use some of her expertise."

"What expertise? Insulting wonderful people such as myself?"

"No!" Scarlet rolled her eyes. "Sneaking around, stealing things, and--"

"We can sneak and steal perfectly well by ourselves."

"She could keep me company, and we could go shopping while you do your pirate-things," she said.

Karnage considered. Shopping with Scarlet was not his favorite activity. "Perhaps..."

"Pretty please with pickles on top?"

"Green fur," Katarina mumbled, shaking her head. "Definitely green fur."

"Puh-leeeeze?" Scarlet batted her eyelashes charmingly at him.

"All right, all right, fine. She can stay. But try to stay out of troubleness!"

Katarina stood. "Great. I'll go get my suitcases. Or, better yet, I'll ask Will to carry them..."

Scarlet followed her out the door. "Then I can show you the nursery! It's almost finished. We just have to get the wallpaper up, but the crew is hopeless at it. You've got to see the cradle we plundered. Oh, and I found the cutest little lamp, and..."

Karnage leaned back in his chair and shook his head. Maybe having Katarina around would be a good thing. At least Scarlet would have someone else to "ooh" and "ah" over wallpaper samples with. In the meantime...

He looked over his maps and diagrams for the attack and grinned. There were other things to occupy his time...

Chapter 4
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