Be It Ever So Plundered

TaleSpin Fanfic

by Katie Sullivan

Chapter 4

At first no one was able to move.  The only sound was the thrum of the engines and the distant sound of explosions from what had once been Pirate Island.

Scarlet fought her own tears for the sake of the children and grasped her husband's hand.

"My island...my most secretive hideout...gone.  Esploded into itty bitty bite-sized pieces..." Don Karnage said, staring out the window at the ash-darkened sky.

"Mommy, where are we going to live now?" Juan asked, wiping the back of his sleeve across his cheek.

"I...  We'll find something, Juanito..." she said, still holding him and his sister close.

At last Karnage shook himself out of his dazed reverie and turned to leave the bridge.   "Come, there is much we must do."  His tone was rarely so solemn and free of theatrical posturing.  His gravity made an impression, and everyone followed in silence.

The first order of business was to determine if everyone had safely escaped from the island aboard the Iron Vulture.  The Captain and his family stood on the balcony outside the bridge, looking down at the crew assembled in the cargo bay.

"Attention, everyone!" he said into a megaphone.  "Is anyone dead?"

Confused murmurs came from below.

Karnage sighed impatiently.  "All right, all right.  Anyone who is dead, raise your hand!"

Scarlet and Katarina looked at him with disgust.

"Er, I mean, anyone who is alive, raise your hand!"

Scarlet slapped her forehead.  Gibber scurried up and whispered something to his captain.

"Of course I know that!" he snarled, sending Gibber away with a kick.   "Now then.  Is Dumptruck here?"

Dumptruck raised his hand.

Katarina made an "aw, shucks," gesture.  "Darn."

"Mad Dog?"

Everyone looked around, but he was nowhere to be seen.

"Derr, I tink he's in der bathroom, Captain."

"As if this day hasn't been traumatizing enough," Scarlet muttered.

"Is he alive?"

"Last I checked..."

"Fine," Karnage said with something very like disappointment.   "Scotty!"

A short terrier raised his hand.  "Er, the name is Jacques, Captain Karnage."

"I only care if you are dead or not!  Your name is incontinental!"

"I'm alive."

"Fine.  Hal?"

Silence. 

Karnage nodded slowly.  "Very well.  Ratchet?"

"Here, Cap'n."

"Good.  Hacksaw?"

Everyone looked around, but the disturbing-looking canid was nowhere in sight.

Karnage looked to Will.  "Are you keeping track of this?"

Will had a steno pad and a pencil and was indeed making a list of the missing.   Kai would intermittently reach over from his perch in his mother's arms to take the pencil from him, slowing the process somewhat.

Karnage didn't have the entire crew roster memorized, but with a little help from the crew it was eventually determined that the only ones missing were Hal, Hacksaw and a few pirates he never recalled signing onto the crew in the first place.  Much to the disappointment of many, Mad Dog had indeed been safely in the bathroom the whole time.

With this grim news established, Karnage turned back to Jacques.  "Scotty, check the charts and find us an island where we can land until we get our bearings."

"Yes, Captain," Scotty answered.

"Don't we need to get our bearings before we can find an island to--" Juan began.

His mother shushed him.

"But don't we--"

"Not now," she said, shaking her head sternly.

"But Dad taught Kit how to navigate with charts and maps and--"

Scarlet clapped a hand over his mouth.  "This is not a good time, Juan.  Please.  Be.  Quiet!"

Juan sulked but obeyed.

Scotty soon located an uninhabited atoll, and the Iron Vulture made a hasty landing.   The engines fell silent, and a collective sigh rippled through the pirates.

"So," Scarlet said simply.

"Well," Karnage added.

"That's a deep subject," Katarina said.

Scarlet groaned.  "Well," she said with a sharp look at her sister, "at least we know you're okay, sis..."

"Her?  Okay?" Karnage said with a sneer.

"Can it, Eyebrow Boy," Katarina said with far less venom than usual.

"Listen," Karnage said, standing up from the command chair, "can we please stay on the subject?  In case you wenches did not notice, we are without a hideout at the momento!   Hey...that almost rhymed!  Er, anyway...we need to find another place to, er, hide...out."

"Can't we just look in the yellow pages under 'Hideouts, Secret Criminal'?" Katarina asked.

For a split second Karnage actually seemed to consider this, then frowned at her in disgust.  "Must you always be a smart donkey?"

"I think you mean--"  She looked warily at the children present.   "Never mind.  And yes, I must."  She grinned.

Karnage massaged his temples, feeling a headache coming on.  "And this day started out so very well, too..."

After days of searching, they finally located an uninhabited island that might suit their needs.  It was far less imposing than Pirate Island, but it did have a volcanic cone and cave system which, with a little help from Ratchet, might be useable as a hangar to conceal the Iron Vulture.  It was slightly larger than their old island, and much to Scarlet's delight was far less gloomy.  Palm trees and white sandy beaches made parts of the isle worthy of a tourist bureau brochure.  There were no headhunters, castaways, cursed idols, or resort hotels to be seen, which were definitely plusses.   Nor was there any sign of buried treasure, much to Karnage's disappointment.   All in all, there were no signs that anyone had ever been there.

Only one real question remained:  was the volcano dormant?  They really did not want to have to make up another set of forwarding address labels any time soon.   (Will insisted that they have such things, although mail delivery was not an important priority--nor a wise idea for a secret hideout.  There were long, annoying debates about this before it was all resolved.)  Anyway, it was vitally important to determine if the volcano was an active one.

"Aww, Captain, do we have ta do this?" Mad Dog whined.

"Yes!  Keep marching!"  Karnage was behind Mad Dog and Dumptruck, with Scarlet and Katarina behind him.  The pirates were heading up the side of the volcano, and were now nearing the rim of the crater.

"Der, I dunno, Captain, vhat if ve get burned up?  That might hurt!" Dumptruck said.

"Yeah!" Mad Dog agreed.  "And it'd really hurt my bowling average!"

"I do not care about your estupid bowlering average-thingie!  And as for the hurting, there will be far more of it if you do not keep walking!"

Dumptruck looked uncertain.

"Yeah, keep walking, Dipwad!" Katarina chimed in, patting the gun on her belt.

The large gray dog broke into a shuffling run--and in his terror didn't realize quite how close he was to the volcano's crater.  "Wa-ha-ha-hooey!" he screamed as he plummeted into space.

There was a large and unpleasant thump.

"Dumptruck!  Are you okay?" Mad Dog called, his voice echoing.

"Derr, ya, I tink so, but I vas right.  Dat hurt!"

"Do you see any lava?" Scarlet yelled.

"Derr, I don't know.  Vhat is dat, again?"

Karnage rolled his eyes.  "Mad Dog!  Go help him!"  With a sudden shove, he sent Mad Dog flying into the crater.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaiiiiieeeeeee!" Mad Dog squealed.

There was another thump, no less unpleasant-sounding than the last.

Mad Dog whined even louder than usual.  "I think I broke my leg!"

"Shut up, you big baby," Dumptruck scolded.

"Shut up, both of you!" Karnage yelled.  "Is there lava?"

"Querido, if there was lava they'd be dead already, I think," Scarlet said.

"Uh, I don't see any, Cap'n!" Mad Dog shouted.  "But one of my eyes is kinda swollen shut, so it's hard to tell!"

Karnage put a hand over his eyes.  "Eediots.  I am surrounded by eediots.  Why?"

Katarina slapped him playfully on the shoulder.  "Karma, silly."

"Who?"

"Look it up on that Word-A-Day calendar of yours, Captain," Katarina said with a laugh.  "In the meantime, let me know if you need any more help scaring the French fries out of Dumptruck!"  With a wink at her sister, she sauntered back down the mountain.

"I think the volcano is dormant, then, querido," Scarlet said with a smile.

"Yes!  That is a good thing!"

"That's a very good thing.  Er...should we help these 'eediots' out of the volcano?"

He gave an evil smirk.  "Should?  Yes.  Will?  Why?"

"What about your brother-in-law?"

"Not that Will.  I meant we will not help them out.  Yet.  I'll send someone up to help them out...later.  If I think of it."

"You're a very bad man."

"I know."

"I like that."

"I know."

"A lot."

"I know."

"Shall we go back to the Iron Vulture?"

"Yes, let us."  He stuck out one elbow gallantly, and she wrapped her hands around his arm as they walked off.

"Cap'n?  Mrs. Cap'n?  Help!"

"Is dere anybody out dere?"

"Did you hear something, querida?" Karnage asked, perking up an ear.

"Nope."

"I heard nothing either, too."

Scarlet shrugged, and they walked off into the tropical sunset.

Chapter 5
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