Konundrum
by Katie Sullivan
Chapter 4
The state of the Iron Vulture's kitchens made Scarlet wonder how she could knowingly ingest anything prepared there. Food spilled and splattered eons ago was molecularly bonded to the walls and countertops, and water was leaking from the icebox in copious amounts.
Karnage, too, seemed vaguely revolted by it, but was used to it, apparently. "Jean-Marc!" he called out with irritation, peering around the cluttered room. "Come here!"
"Coming, capitaine!" said a voice with a heavy French accent. Scarlet nearly laughed when a lanky poodle with absurdly fuzzy hair and a limp chef's cap popped up from behind a mountain of unwashed dishes.
"My cook, Jean-Marc. Jean-Marc, my guest, Scarlet," Karnage introduced.
"A pleasure to meet you, mademoiselle," the poodle cooed, taking a deep bow.
"Charmed," Scarlet said in a tone that implied the opposite.
"Drinks on the observation deck, Jean-Marc," Karnage ordered. "The ones with the little paper umbrellas in them."
Jean-Marc glanced from his captain to the visitor and back again. "Uh, pardonez moi, mon capitaine, but do you want your 'usual' kind?" he asked confidentially.
"Yes, yes," Karnage said, quickly waving him silent. "On the observation deck. Rápido." He led Scarlet out of the kitchens and onto a series of winding metal stairways.
As they ascended, she raised an eyebrow and asked, "Your 'usual'?"
He avoided eye contact. "Yes, the usual. I like my drinks a particular way."
"And what way is that?" she pried.
He laid a hand on his sword hilt and glowered at her. "You ask too many questions, señorita. I am thinking you prefer to keep your tongue attached to your mouth?"
She swallowed. "Er, yes, thanks."
"Then give it a little rest, yes-no?" he said threateningly.
"Yessir, Captain," she said with what she hoped was an indifferent, unintimidated shrug.
They reached the top of the stairs. This was the observation deck of the Iron Vulture: a small lounge of sorts that she estimated was directly above the bridge. Tall windows stretched across the front of the room, affording a spectacular view of the cloudscape rolling by beneath them, and the shimmering ocean below that. A gilded Arabian couch and a pair of Victorian sofa chairs made an unexpectedly good match, surrounding a shiny oval table that was doubtlessly an antique. That didn't stop Karnage from putting his feet up when he sat in one of the sofa chairs. Scarlet took a seat with more formal posture, and moments later Jean-Marc scurried up the stairs with a pair of crystal glasses on a silver tray. As requested, both sported paper umbrellas. He set the tray on the table and stepped back. "Anything else, capitaine?"
"That will be all," Karnage said with a disinterested wave of his hand.
The two foxes sat back to enjoy the view. Scarlet took a sip through the bright pink straw and nodded in approval. "Mmm, that's good!" More than anything she was surprised by the glass. How could anything so fine and clean come from such a filthy kitchen?
"Captain?" came a gravely voice from the top of the stairs.
They turned, and Scarlet saw a pirate she didn't know, a short canid of some sort wearing a bandana. By his meek posture she guessed he was not a significant officer.
"What are you bothering me about now?" Karnage asked wearily.
"Cap'n Karnage, sir, I need to talk to you."
"Well, go ahead, speak up. I have ears. You have a mouth. What are you waiting for?"
"Er, Cap'n, your piratiness, sir, could I talk with you alone?" The pirate gave a pointed look at Scarlet.
"Fine, fine, fine," Karnage said impatiently. "I will be back in a moment," he told her. He left his drink on the table and followed the nervous pirate down the stairs, out of earshot.
Suddenly alone, Scarlet gave in to curiosity and leaned across the table. She quickly stuck her straw in his drink and sucked up a small mouthful. Hmm... It didn't taste like anything special. Kind of bland, actually. Almost as if... Yes, that was it! There was no alcohol in it! To the daughter of two former bootleggers, this seemed like sacrilege! A pirate who didn't drink? What was the world coming to?
A few long minutes later, Karnage returned and, to her relief, didn't notice anything different about his beverage. He looked too annoyed to be observant. "Tell me about your friend Javier de la Valle, famed gangster and all around not-so-nice person."
She wasn't prepared for that, and tried to hide her surprise by taking a long drink. "Who?" was the only denial she could think of.
"Do not play the ignorant-a-mouse with me, mujer. You can not match wits with the Prince of Plunder!"
"I don't know what you're talking about," she said unconvincingly, and took another gulp from the crystal glass.
Karnage drew his sword and calmly ran a finger down the edge. "Oh, so? I have ways of loosening tongues..."
Scarlet slammed her glass on the table and glared at him. "I thought you already knew everything about me."
"Do not make me take you to the torturing room, señorita. It would be a true pity to harm such a beautiful woman." He flashed a charming but dangerous smile.
She straightened her spine indignantly and reached for her dagger. "I'm not scared of you."
His smile faded slightly. "You should be. Besides, my stubborn Scarlet, you have asked me for protection from your enemies. Might it not be smart to tell me who those enemies are?"
She scowled. "Sure, go and make sense for once. All right, I'll tell you. Javier de la Valle and his gang were planning on stealing the Humberfeather Diamond. Problem was, I got to the museum before he did. Slipped right past him with the diamond. He was, needless to say, not pleased. He set my apartment on fire, and I barely got out of Youston with my life. So now I've got both de la Valle and the law on my tail. Happy?"
"It explains much..." he mused. "Does he know you came to Cape Suzette?"
"I don't know. But it wouldn't surprise me. He's got ears in every dive from here to Walla Walla Bing Bang."
"So do I."
"de la Valle wouldn't think twice about putting a dagger between my shoulder blades."
"Neither would I."
"Perhaps not, but you'd have to get past me to do it," she said, posing with her jeweled dagger.
"A little thing like you against master swordsman Don Karnage? Ha! I laugh at you!" he said, sniggering disdainfully.
"Oh so? Want to put your sword where your mouth is? How about a friendly little duel? If you win, I won't expect you to protect me if Javier de la Valle shows up. If I win, you have to tell me your full name." She stood confidently and smirked down her nose at him. He grinned devilishly.
"You are more stupider than I thought, pretty one. No one beats the great Don Karnage! But since you insist...I will enjoy this."
"Don't break out the champagne just yet, Captain. Get me a sword and I'll show you what this 'pretty one' can do."
"With pleasure, señorita. Mad Dog!" he bellowed down the stairs. Soon the pirate in question came dashing up the stairs.
"You hollered, Cap'n Karnage, sir?" he wheezed.
"Yes, my mindless minion. Fetch me two fencing swords from the armory, immediately!"
"Yes, Cap'n." Mad Dog hurried off to comply, and returned soon with a pair of thin, blunted swords. "Here y'go, your Karnagitude."
"Good. Now shoo." Mad Dog disappeared, and Karnage tossed one of the lightweight swords to his guest. "Now then, you will see the skill of a true swordsman!"
"You took the words right out of my mouth," she said with a dry smile. She made a few practice thrusts to become accustomed to the weight of the weapon. Out of the corner of her eye she saw her opponent doing the same, but with such ridiculously exaggerated posturing that she nearly laughed. He should quit piracy and get a job in movies, she thought with a silent giggle.
"Ready when you are, my overconfident amiga," he said.
She turned to see him striking a melodramatic pose, sword held high. She smiled in spite of herself and tried to match his stance, humoring his sense of theatrics. "Then may the best fox win. En guarde!" Hoping to take him off-guard, she lunged suddenly, but he easily blocked the swing, repelling her back a step. With an expert snap of his wrist, he struck at her chest. A quick maneuver on her part kept the duel from ending on that note. She recovered quickly, nipping his next attack in the bud and thrusting toward his heart with one fluid movement. She could tell he was surprised by her agility, but was trying extremely hard not to show it.
They were unexpectedly evenly matched, and for several minutes neither combatant made much headway. Scarlet could tell she was wearing him down, but he was an excellent swordsman, and her own ability was becoming strained. Time to move in for the kill. She feigned distress, allowing him a few near misses, before whirling at him with a savage blow that sent the sword skidding from his hand and across the floor. In the same swift movement, she pushed him over onto the metal floor with a thump.
The next thing he knew he was flat on his back, panting for breath, with her boot firmly planted on his chest and the point of her sword between his eyes.
"¿Qué...? ¿Qué pasó?" he gasped, taken aback. ["What...what happened?"]
Scarlet playfully poked him in the nose with the blunted end of her sword. "Your intelligence apparently failed to inform you that I was the Youston county fencing champion for three years straight in high school," she said smugly. "Or that I made it to the national championships two of those years."
"But-- But--" he sputtered.
She stooped down with a knee on his chest and smirked in his face. "Now then, Captain Karnage, about our deal...what's your full name?"
"You-- You beat me!"
"Yes. Thanks. Now tell me your name."
"I-- I-- You-- You--" he stammered in utter befuddlement.
"I-I-you-you? No wonder you never tell anyone your name!" she teased.
"No one beats Don Karnage!"
"Then I guess I'm No One. And you are...?"
"I guess a deal is a deal, señorita. I will tell you my name, but you tell no one!" he said with an intense frown.
"I promise. Now spill it, señor!" She laid the sword across his neck with a sly smile.
Karnage swallowed. The sweat misting his forehead was not entirely from the exertion of the duel. "Fine, fine. Me llamo...Felipe Esteban Gonzalo Andres Enrique Karnage."
She took a split second to let this sink in, then whistled in awe. "Try writing that on your checks! So truncate that into something manageable. What does your family call you?"
"Felipe," he said quietly.
A softer smile spread over her face. "It's a nice name."
"Is okay. Does not strike fear into the hearts of enemies. Not like Don Karnage," he said, rolling the R in full indulgence of his natural accent.
"Also a fine name."
"Now let me up?"
"Oh, right." She slid backward and took the sword away from his neck, and he shakily sat up.
"I have never yet met the woman who could beat me in a duel!" he said in wonder.
She smugly held her blade vertically in front of her, bisecting her face. "Well, now you have."
"I must admit...you are a worthy opponent."
"That was a compliment," she said decisively.
He stood regally and dusted off his uniform. "If you wish to interpret it that way."
With a loud swish of her sword, she traced her initials in the air. "I do."
Suddenly, he swung at her with his own blade, catching her off-guard. Her sword flew from her hand, spun through the air and clattered noisily to the floor against the far wall. The vibration of the impact sent a tremor through her wrist.
He displayed a wolfish grin and took a nonchalant swig of his nearly-forgotten drink. "But do not forget who the Captain is."
Scarlet gently rubbed her wrist and smiled. "No he olvidado...Felipe." ("I have not forgotten...Felipe.")
"Cuidado, señorita. No quiero matarte." ("Careful, señorita. I don't want to kill you.")
"Oh, good. Something else we have in common," she said over the rim of her glass, her eyes sparkling.
Yet another scruffy pirate appeared on the stairs. "Captain, we're coming up on Owmaitoe. What are your orders?"
Don Karnage turned to Scarlet and raised an expectant eyebrow. "Our destination is in your delicate hands now," he said graciously.
"Manos que acaban de derrotarte," she murmured slyly. ("Hands that just defeated you.")
He shot her a warning glance.
She shrugged innocently. "Sus hombres no entienden Español." ("Your men don't understand Spanish.")
"Callate y da direcciones." ("Shut up and give directions.")
"Of course. We are headed for a cove shaped like the number seven, sixty-five miles south-west of Gilo, the capital."
The pirate nodded and went back down to the bridge. Karnage stood by the stairs and gave a broad bow. "After you, señorita."
"Why so polite all of a sudden?"
"I don't want you behind me."
She fluttered her eyelashes sweetly. "Don't you trust me?"
"Do you trust me?"
"Hell, no."
"One more thing we have in common," he said lightly. "Now, after you."
She sighed, decided to tolerate him, and started down the stairs.
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This story and the character Scarlet are © Katie Sullivan and may not be used without permisson. Don Karnage, the Air Pirates, Mad Dog, Dumptruck, Cape Suzette, Tale Spin and all related indica, etc, are © The Walt Disney Company and are used without permisson for non-profit entertainment purposes only.