Scarlet: Or, as I like to call it, "Hateful Flight!" :-)
by Ben "Warping Talespin Beyond Recognition" Gingell
Author's Note:- All Talespin character's are copyright Walt Disney and are being used without permission.
Joe: Well at least he spelled that word right.
Katarina: For once.
Beth: I’m sure they won’t recognize this putrid creation as being TaleSpin, so I doubt Ben has anything to worry about.
No money is being made from this fic,
and is written with great respect to the Talespin team. All other characters are the property of the author. Even though I have used real people in this fic, the characters given to them are not theirs
Beth: Why does that last sentence give me a sinking feeling?
and are totally the creation of my weird mind.
Scarlet: Well, at least he admits it! J
Beth: ‘Deranged’ mind is more like it.
Joe: Yes. Ben is a real nice guy, but his fics are some sort of weird slapstick violence, like Kurt Vonnegut, but without any message.
Katarina: (nodding, pretending she understands what Joe is trying to say)
Scarlet: Silly non-English-major-type-of-person.
So don't sue me as I am a poor impoverished student.
Katarina: (snaps fingers in disappointment)
Joe: Well so am I but I don’t write bad fics! It’s no excuse…:D
"Set to go?" Kit asked.
Katarina: Knowing the quality of Ben’s fics, I’m ready to go now!
"Ready when you are" Baloo replied.
"Ok, lets go" Kit yelled.
Katarina: (Katarina starts to run from the room, but is dragged back in by Joe and Scarlet)
Baloo looked over at his navigator. Yes, that blindfold was a good idea.
Scarlet: Not really. J
He gave a thumbs up to Rebecca and Molly in the rear
Scarlet: He put a thumb up her rear? Eeeeeeewwwww!!!!!!!!!!!
Beth: That would make him a Leo, right? I always imagined him as an Aquarius myself…
Scarlet: Was Kit on drugs or something? He should have picked a closer date, so he wouldn’t have had to wait so long! (Kit) When’s my birthday? Uh…tomorrow! Yeah! Go buy me stuff! Now!
Joe: He just used the Wheel of Morality, which is something Ben really needs to do…
Katarina: Today’s lesson is…don’t write fanfics if you have no talent. Too bad Ben missed that episode.
As today was the August 28th Baloo and Rebecca had arranged a special night for him at Louie's.
Scarlet: With Jenny, the best whore in the place.
This was a special night for four main reasons.
Katarina: The first one involved farm animals.
Scarlet: Hey, Baloo, got a blindfold for me, too?
Beth: Louie had finally gotten an exterminator, Molly had laryngitis, Wildcat’s new stash had come in, and Kit got his first pimple.
Firstly Kit was now a teenager. This may cause problems later, but as Rebecca had told herself "Those are yet to come".
Scarlet: In other words, Kit hasn’t hit puberty. Thank you, Ben.
Joe: Uh oh. I smell a fic with wild hormones…(hides behind seat)
Katarina: That’s not what *I* smell…I think it’s those farm animals.
Secondly it was the first birthday the cub had ever celebrated.
Katarina: Makes sense to me!
He only admitted that a few months ago on Molly's birthday. He never had the chance in the children's home,
Scarlet: Why not? I would think they’d observe birthdays there. Geez.
Joe: No, remember Ben’s version of the orphanage? It was like the IRA meets Annie. :b
Katarina: (singing) The sun’ll come out…tomorrow…bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow…Ben will kill someone off…
Scarlet: Well, you’ve got the right hair color for the part… (takes home perm kit out of her bag)
Katarina: (bitchslaps Scarlet)
Beth: I think it’s more like ‘Oliver Twist’ meets ‘Village of the Damned’.
on the street and the only birthday celebrated on the Iron Vulture was Don Karnarge's.
Scarlet: But not Don Karnage? I mean, I see why Don Karnarge would want his birthday celebrated, but what about Karnage?
Beth: Yes, Ben does seem to have trouble with that, doesn’t he?
Katarina: (gets a sudden mental picture of Scarlet popping out of a giant birthday cake in the nude, and shudders)
Scarlet: Hey! Have you been snooping in my private photo album again? Besides, I had frosting on, so I wasn’t technically nude.
Now he would get his chance.
Katarina: Can I help?
Thirdly, it was just over a year now since Kit had entered their lives. That was something to celebrate.
Katarina: Celebrate getting to know Kit? No way! What kind of a…
Ted: (clears throat loudly)
Katarina: Nevermind.
He now had a stable home
Katarina: They made Kit sleep in a stable?! That’s so mean! I *like* it!
and an income, or be it a small one
Scarlet: You mean "albeit"?
Joe: There’s that lovely cockney accent again that I can hear a mile away…
Katarina: Actually, that would be several thousand miles away, in this case, but…ya.
Beth: (as shrill, homely waitress) Freshin ye drink, govna?
as legally she could not employ him till he was thirteen.
Katarina: Call the cops on Rebecca! Child labor laws being violated!
Scarlet: Or call Kathy Lee Gifford for legal tips…
Fourthly and finally he was Kit.
He meant a great deal top both adults, who saw him as a son.
Katarina: Which he actually *is* in one of Ben’s other mind-numbingly horrible fics…
And Molly who saw him as the brother she never had.
Katarina: Although, he was the brother she never had in one of Ben’s other mind-numbingly horrible fics. Notice that Ben has consistency problems? (as Ben) Kit’s their son! No wait—he’s a ruthless killer! No wait—
Rebecca never told her, but she did have an older brother, but he was killed during an armed robbery that went wrong.
Scarlet: Huh??? Sure, Ben, just throw that at us in the middle of everything. Very subtle.
Joe: Another one that died?? Geez, how many WERE there??!
Beth: Oh, and Molly had a little sister too, but she had been killed by a 747 downed in a terrorist attack…
Katarina: Apparently Rebecca gets around a lot…
During the shoot out with police,
Rebecca who was heavily pregnant with Molly had to take cover behind a car. Steven was hit as he ran to join her. She never knew who fired the fatal shot.
Katarina: No! It was the second gunman behind the grassy knoll, I tell you!
Beth: Yeah, unless the cops are used to taking out innocent bystanders, but whatever.
He was only seven at the time. If only she had not gone to the bank that day. Looking at Kit she realised (oh so casually) that Steven would have been about the same age now. She often wondered how he and Kit would have got on.
Scarlet: (wrestling announcer) Let’s get it on! Grr!
And how Molly would have coped with two older brothers.
Beth: She wouldn’t. It would mean less attention would lavished upon her.
Rebecca always intended to tell Molly about he real brother, when she was old enough, maybe. However with Kit here now to replace Steven. No, not replace. Not even Kit could remove the place Steven had in her heart. He stood in for him.
That sounded better. Now that Kit "stood in" for Steven she wondered if she should ever tell Molly.
Katarina: Or would she ever tell Molly about her 12 other older brothers that Rebecca has had and misplaced…
Beth: (Rebecca) Molly, have I ever mentioned that you used to have a brother? We got caught in a shootout, and if I hadn’t been 9 months pregnant with *you* we’d probably have gotten away in time and he’d still be alive. Just thought you might want to know.
As the plane left Cape Suzette, Kit wondered where he was being taken.
Katarina: Into the deranged little world of Ben’s deranged little mind.
A moment of panic hit him. He was
blindfolded. He could not see. Instinctively he raised his arms to remove it.
Scarlet: But he hadn’t bathed or put on deodorant, and the smell was so bad he had to lower his arms again.
"Fool" a voice bellowed at him from deep within his head.
Scarlet: Kit hears voices in his head, too?
Joe: (looks at Kat) You’re rubbing off on him!
Katarina: (just grins)
Beth: My voices are telling me I should run far, far away from this fic before it gets worse.
"This is not Don Karnarge" the voice continued
Scarlet: Or even Don Karnage.
Joe: Tomay-to, Tomah-to.
Beth: And, um, why would it be?! Do Kit and Karnage share a telepathic link?
Ted: I knew it! Yaaay!
"it is your family. Relax"
Kit decided to trust the voice
Scarlet: Cool! J
Katarina: Oh, so Kit’s talking to the Enterprise’s computer?
and tried to relax. He found it hard.
Katarina: Er…
He needed his eyes. A lesson he was taught while living on the streets. With out your eyes you could not always detect someone approaching.
Beth: Luckily Kit had developed echolocation for just such occasions.
Someone who would attack, abuse or exploit you. He did not like it.
Scarlet: He didn’t like being blind and open to attacks, abuse and exploitation? Well, he’s no fun at all.
It was like being trapped in a cage.
No. This was a time when he could relax and have some fun.
To try and calm himself down he tried
Katarina: Hmm…(rummages in goody bag) Nope. No ritalin. Will pot do?
Beth: (nods enthusiastically)
to work out where he was heading. Baloo said something about a BBQ
Scarlet: Baloo and Becky and Q from Star Trek?
Katarina: Tsk tsk tsk. No.
Beth: Now *that* is an interesting couple…uh…trio!
on a beach to watch the sunset. That could have been anywhere. Kit felt the plane bank.
Katarina: The plane banked? Was the plane’s son killed in a shootout too? Golly!
Scarlet: Tsk tsk tsk. No.
His great sense of direction told him that they were heading towards Louie's.
Katarina: Wow. What a great sense of direction. Not just feeling like you’re going up or down, left or right, but inately knowing your destination? Call an agent, quick!
Beth: It also informed him that there was a 20% chance of precipitation and that wind speed was 10 mph…
A small smile formed on one side of his mouth. He should have guest it,
Scarlet: Guessed. As in, I never would have guessed Ben’s grasp of grammar was this poor.
Joe: You’re not trying hard enough…
but he would still act surprised, he firmly told himself or he might upset Baloo and Rebecca.
Baloo noticed the smile on Kit's face. Damn, he knows where we are going.
Scarlet: Baloo, you profane little thing, you.
Joe: (Baloo) Now he must DIE! AH HA HA!
"The boy's too good" he told Rebecca earlier when she suggested the blindfold.
Katarina: How would Baloo know if Kit’s "good"? Has he been talking to Kit’s girlfriend?
"He will still know where we are heading blindfolded. All he needs is the feel of the plane."
Katarina: C’mon now. You know Ben’s never let a little thing like logical thinking stop him.
Beth: I’m guessing Kit’s just peeking…
"Do you know a better way to hide it from him, other than knocking him unconscious?" Rebecca asked him.
Scarlet: (Baloo) Well, okay, if you insist. (bonks Kit over the head with a tire iron)
Katarina: Yay!
Ted: Grr!
Baloo thought about that suggestion. It was true.
Katarina: So? It’s more fun that way!
That was about the only way they could prevent him from finding out, but Baloo could not do that to him,
Katarina: Darn!
and no he could not think of anything better. Therefore the blindfold was used.
Scarlet: Stunning logic.
Joe: Uh…he actually considered it?! Now I *know* Ben was drunk when he wrote this.
Katarina: That wouldn’t surprise me in the least.
Baloo's heart sank.
Katarina: …to the bottom of the ocean and he died. The end.
Scarlet: (Rebecca/Rose) Jack! No, Jack!!!
He was not worried about the first few drops of rain that hit the window,
Beth: Until he noticed it was actually blood. Man, now I’m doing it!
but they soon changed from a few drops to a torrent. Kit heard the rain as well, turning to Baloo he said "Sounds like the BBQ is off then Papa Bear".
"I would say it would not go ahead" Baloo agreed as a flash of lighting
Scarlet: --fixtures crashing to the floor was heard.
and crash of thunder filled the cabin.
Beth: (Rebecca) Pewww! Baloo, couldn’t you wait until we landed?!
"Never mind Kit" Rebecca said to him
"There was a back up plan"
"A plan B, huh?"
Scarlet: No, plan B&B! Ha! (slaps knee with loud guffaw)
Joe: (looks frantically for some sort of escape hatch)
Katarina: (smacks Scarlet and joins Joe in his search)
Beth: Zzzzz…huh?
Kit asked beaming a smile
Scarlet: Kirk to…Enterprise! Beam…down…an away team…and a smile!
Joe: LOL!
towards the sound of her voice as another lighting bolt flashed
behind him.
"Wow, this is quite a storm" Baloo observed as hail was also added to the equation.
"At least Molly doesn't mind" Rebecca said turning to her daughter "Do you?"
Scarlet: (Molly) Actually, I’m a little airsick, all of a sudden…URP!
Joe: (Molly) Actually, I love the rain, and…(Molly looks out the window to get a closer look and is sucked out the window by a big gust of wind) AAAAAAAAH!…
Beth: (Cheers)
Katarina: We only wish…
"Not a bit" came her reply.
"I just hope" Baloo began "that we don't get struck by….." a loud bang filled the air.
Scarlet: (Baloo) --a giant flying wildebeest!
Joe: Heh heh. Bang. Heh heh.
Katarina: Was it a gang bang?
The engines backfired, shuddered then stalled.
Beth: Florescent tubes tumbled about on the windshield…
"LIGHTING" Baloo yelled
Scarlet: As long as it wasn’t lightning.
as the plane began to free fall.
Joe: (sings Tom Petty) I was free! Free-fallin’!
In an instant Kit's hands were up and the blindfold lay on the floor.
Katarina: And then, his shirt came off…yeah baby!
As Baloo wrestled with
the controls trying to get the plane out of the dive it was in,
Katarina: The plane wasn’t at a dive. It never made it to Louie’s, remember?
Scarlet: (groans, laughs, and slaps Kat)
Kit was trying to restart the engines.
A bright light filled the plane.
Scarlet: (makes celestial choir noises)
Joe: (that annoying lady from Touched by an Angel) Blah blah blah…love…blah blah blah…love…blah blah blah blah…
Beth: It’s aliens come to take Molly home!
All aboard shielded their eyes.
Katarina: From the horror of this fic…
As Kit lowered his arms from his eyes he saw that the engines were running as per normal,
Katarina: Per normal? Oh like *anything* in this fic is normal!
and the plane was flying level at about 100ft above the sea. Baloo also lowered his arms (before everyone passed out from his B.O.) and quickly grabbed the stick.
Katarina: That sounds dirty.
Scarlet: Everything sounds dirty to you. J
Beth: Heh heh…
"Where's the storm?" Rebecca asked, still trying to comfort Molly.
Scarlet: Dial up weather.com and find out, Beckers.
"Don't know" replied Baloo "strange that it has gone!"
Katarina: (Yoda voice) Strange that it is gone. Yeees.
The sky now was indeed clear now, and the sea below them was calm.
"Guess we flew right out the other side" Kit suggested.
"Maybe, yeah that must be it" Baloo replied giving Kit a rub
Scarlet: Er…
on his head
Beth: …dislodging Kit’s scalp.
"Lets get back on course" he added.
Katarina: Inter-course?
Scarlet: (slaps Kat)
As they pulled up they all heard a loud crash from under the port wing. Looking back Baloo saw
Katarina: (Shatner voice) Look! Out…there! On the…wing!
a very unpleasant sight.
Scarlet: Newt Gingrich in a pink tutu?
Katarina: (shudders)
"Port engine is loose"
he said "Must have shaken itself loose during that dive"
Beth: Didn’t know engines could do that to themselves…
"Can we still make it?" Rebecca asked, sounding a little worried.
Beth: (Baloo) Yes, but I’m afraid we’ll have to use Molly as a pontoon.
Katarina: You and Baloo can "make it" anywhere you like, Rebecca. Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
Gidget: (happy sigh)
"Should hold together. I just hope it doesn't fall off."
As soon as he said that he remembered that you should never try to tempt fate,
Katarina: How *do* you tempt fate? Do you offer her brownies?
as fate has a way of bringing out the worse in a situation. Baloo looked out in horror as
Katarina: He realized that he was in a horrible Ben-fic!
Beth: And the word you’re scrounging for is *worst*, Ben.
the engine slipped from the wing with a loud metallic ripping sound and fall,
while still running into the sea below.
Scarlet: Well, that was an awkward sentence.
The sudden change in weight balance on the plane forced it to bank sharply to the right, and upside down.
Beth: Rebecca had used Molly’s face to cushion the fall.
"Baloo do something" Rebecca yelled
Gidget: (happy sigh)
Ted: (retching noises)
lying on what was the ceiling of the plane, still with Molly in her arms.
Fighting with the controls Baloo knew that they were going to crash, and it was going to be a nasty one at that.
Scarlet: As opposed to a nice crash. Yeah.
Joe: (Lauchpad) April Day! April Day!
He stole
Katarina: …a quick look at Rebecca’s butt...
a glance at Kit, and was surprised to see him looking scared, yet very calm.
It was as if Kit accepted this as his fate. He looked up and saw the sea rushing up towards the plane. He could only think of one thing.
Beth: And if it hadn’t been for Kit and his made-up birthday, they’d never be in this mess…
"KIT" he yelled as the plane made its final dive to the sea.
Scarlet: (holds up an Olympic scorecard of –4.1)
Beth: (holds up a scorecard with a smiley face drawn on it)
Kit also looked up and saw the terrible sight.
Ted: Why are you doing this to me?
Katarina: Because it’s fun!
He instantly raised his arms to protect his head and curled himself as small as he could get on the seat.
Beth: …while Rebecca and Molly got thrown around the cockpit like a couple of ping-pong balls…
He also took a deep breath, not knowing how long he would be under, if he survives the crash, and if he could make it to the surface again.
Scarlet: Random…verb tense changes! Can’t…breathe! ARG!!!
The next thing Kit knew was that he was under water, still strapped in his navigator's seat. He tried opening his eyes, but the salt water stung them so much he quickly closed them again. He was sinking with the chair,
Katarina: Yay!
Ted: (smacks Kat)
Katarina: (smacks Ted)
so he started reaching around in the dark until he found
Katarina: Er…
the buckle
Katarina: Phew!
and freed himself. Swimming away from the seat he realised he was no longer in the Sea Duck, but as he swam he could feel pieces of metal hitting him, so he guest
Scarlet: Guessed, you moron!
Joe: (singing) Be our guest! Be our guest! Ben’s fic is moronic; it’s a pest. It’s the farthest thing from very, very beeeeeeeeest! So c’mon and let me be, don’t write Kit as free-ly! Or with-out any thought, it’s for the beeeeest!!
it must have broken up when it hit the surface.
He swam in the direction he thought was up, not being able to see
Katarina: He can’t tell which way is *up*? What happened to his keen sense of direction? I mean, knowing which way is up is much easier than knowing which way is Louie’s…
Kit tried using the natural buoyancy of his body
Katarina: …and Molly used the natural girlancy…
as a compass with the surface as its north point.
Beth: (Kit) Errrrhhh, which one is ‘up’ again?
He swam slowly, not knowing how deep he was so to avoid giving himself the Benz.
Scarlet: Riiiiiiight.
Beth: Good thing Kit had his scuba gear with him…
Joe: (totally confused) The Mercedes? What?
Katarina: Get bent? What?
However Kit's lungs started to burn
Katarina: Burn? Heh heh…fire! Fire! Heh heh…
Scarlet: (edges nervously away from Kat and takes a mini-fire extinguisher from her bag)
and scream for air. He began to kick his legs harder trying to reach the surface faster. That only used more oxygen so the pain in his chest increased.
Katarina: Doh!
"Not like this, not like this" Kit kept telling himself. "Not by drowning. Maybe in a plane crash, but not a watery grave"
Beth: Davey Jones’ locker be callin’ fer ya, Kit. Daaarrr!
As he continued to swim his chest felt like it was going to explode,
Scarlet: Kind of like Kit’s girlfriend when she’s stuffed an entire box of double-ply tissue in her bra.
his legs started to ache and not want to kick, his arms cried out every time he moved them
Katarina: Kit’s arms are talking? Whoah man…(looks in goody bag) This is *good* stuff!
forward. He knew he was near the end. Kit's mouth opened in a reflex action. A way his brain told him he needed air, and swallowed a large amount of sea water. He began to go light headed.
Not caring about the pain anymore,
Katarina: I wish *I* could not care about the pain of reading this fic…
Kit opened his eyes to see the world one last time.
Katarina: Aw. Kit’s going to die. (wipes away mock tears, then ducks Ted’s fist)
Light. He could see light.
Katarina: …shining through Ben’s ears…
That meant the surface.
Scarlet: No, it was a train.
Joe: It was the aliens from ‘The Abyss’…
Katarina: (singing) There’s a light….over at the Frankenstein place…
That meant air. He started kicking towards it. Water started to trickle into his nose and down into his lungs.
Katarina: Um…like ew.
The pain was unbelievable.
Beth: (Looks at the position of her scrollbar and starts crying again)
Much worse than the beatings he endured in his short but violent life.
Kit's eyes began to close again.
"This is it Cloudkicker" he told himself "You are finally going to see if there is an after life." Just then his head broke the surface.
Scarlet: Doesn’t an afterlife presume that you have a life to begin with?
Joe: (growls at Scarlet) Watch it, wench…
Scarlet: (grins innocently)
Air(heads). Lots of air(heads).
He began coughing up the sea water from his stomach and lungs,
Katarina: Icky.
taking deep breaths of the precious substance.
Katarina: Uh…he’s got a bong?
Beth: Please say yes!
His whole body ached from oxygen starvation. He felt ill from swallowing the salt water and his eyes hurt.
"But you are alive" he told himself.
Beth: Mmm…bear meat! ; )
He slipped back below the surface again. Too exhausted to keep himself afloat any more.
"No, you got there, you will stay here" that voice again told him.
Scarlet: Then the voice told him to devote his life to bronzing baby shoes in a kiosk in Boca Raton.
Joe: (voice, whispering) If you make a bad fic, it will stink…
He broke the surface for the second time and slowly started treading water. Kit's eyesight still wasn't good.
Katarina: Ha ha! Kit’s going to need glasses! Nerdy boy!
He could however make out a blurry image of a boat approaching him.
Scarlet: There was a woman standing at the prow with her arms outstretched, and some guy standing behind her. Kit heard her say something about flying, which piqued his interest.
"See you are going to be rescued" the voice told him.
He raised his arms and as much as he could waved them. He had to find Baloo, Rebecca and Molly.
Katarina: Then Kit thought again. No. Maybe not Molly.
Maybe they already have, maybe they were still looking, maybe they died in the crash. Kit pushed that final thought away. He did not want to be an orphan again. On his own,
no-one to care for him. No, he would find them.
The boat got closer.
"Please, help me." Kit just about managed to say. A sensation of flying flowed through his body.
Scarlet: Those drugs Wildcat gave him were finally kicking in. What a buzz!
Katarina: That reminds me…(rummages in purse) Want some?
Beth: Only if you can guarantee that they’ll knock me out…
He was being pulled from the sea.
"Where is Papa Bear?"
Katarina: Oh, like they’re going to know what you mean, dumbass.
Kit managed to squeak out,
Katarina: Is he a mouse now?
before a combination of oxygen starvation, shock and (wussiness) dehydration from the salt water sent his mind retreating to a place of safety and he lost consciousness just as he heard one of his rescuers yell "Look there's another one"
Good. He would not be on his own then.
Scarlet: Little did he know, the rescuer was just plucking out gray hairs in the mirror.
Beth: (rescuer, finding an entire patch of grey) Oh the humanity!
Disinfectant. Kit could smell disinfectant. That told him that he was in a hospital.
Scarlet: LOL!!
Which one he could not tell.
Scarlet: You mean he can’t tell what hospital he’s in just by smelling it? Geez, what good is he?
Katarina: He’s definitely lost that unbelievably good sense of direction.
"Still alive. That's a good sign" he thought.
Scarlet: Derrrr, ya think?
Joe: In this fic, it’s debatable.
As his head continued to cleared he could feel a tube running down his throat. He opened his eyes, but they didn't focus very well. He could make out an IV feeding into his left arm. Turing
Joe: Touring? Huh? What a lousy place for a tour!
Beth: Turing?! (has computer science flashback and starts screaming)
his head to the right he made out the shape of Baloo in the next bed. Then Rebecca and finally Molly.
Beth: (deadpan) Oh. Thank goodness. Hope they pull though.
"Good. They all survived the crash" Kit thought.
He continued to look around. No doctors, no nurses, no windows and (padded walls) only one door, which was closed. That greatly unnerved him. He felt trapped. To his left there was a large mirror set in the wall.
Katarina: Mirrors? Ooh. Kinky.
He knew that they were being observed through it.
Beth: And especially in intensive care wards…
As his senses continued to switch back on he noticed a constant bleeping sound coming from a machine next to Rebecca's bed. Another one made a hissing sound.
Scarlet: Kaa?
Beth: Does it have a lisp?
Baloo, himself and Molly only had IV's. He did not know what the other machines were but he could guest it meant
Scarlet: No guests! Visiting hours are over!
that Rebecca was seriously
Scarlet: --demented. We know.
injured.
Kit felt too weak to care about much else. He lay in his bed staring at the ceiling.
Katarina: Burrito?
Beth: (stares blankly at Joe)
Eventually he decided he had to do something, so he decided to check his own body to make sure it was working as it should.
Katarina: Ya. Sure. Good excuse for wanting to touch yourself. Riiiiight….
He ran his right hand across his chest, down both his sides and across his stomach.
Scarlet: Great, now Kit’s fondling himself. Where’s his girlfriend when he needs her?
Joe: She died in the crash!… (throws confetti)
He felt a medium
sticking plaster on the right side of his stomach.
He tried to sit up, but found he couldn't.
"Not a good sign" he thought.
Katarina: Then he noticed the sign on the wall that read, "Not good".
Beth: (Kit) And I guess my ribs shouldn’t be protruding out like that either…
Kit moved his legs. They both worked. He bent his knees. They worked, however as he moved his left leg he felt his fur pull. Stretching with his right hand he found a bandage wrapped around
Scarlet: --his neck and he strangled himself. The End.
the centre of his thigh.
Katarina: Hmm…I think he forgot to check for a certain body part…but then, I think Ben’s trying to keep a PG rating…right?
Scarlet: I wouldn’t judge it just yet, sis…It gets MUCH worse…
He lay back, trying to remember what had happened. The only image his brain would show him was the sea rushing up.
After that he could only remember the pain of his swim, which luckily he no longer felt. He tried harder to remember but nothing would free itself from his subconscious. So he gave up.
The lack of a doctor started to worry him. He wanted to know how long he had been here. Was his or the others injuries life-threatening? Where was he?
Scarlet: Damn HMO doesn’t tell patients anything.
Abruptly the bleeping sound from Rebecca's bed stopped and was replaced with a single continuous note.
Beth: Someone had accidentally unplugged the machine…
Scarlet: Had this been an actual fanfic, it would have had a more believeable plot.
Kit again tried to sit up, to see what had happened, but he only managed to raise his head and shoulders off the pillow. The door opposite him opened, with considerable force and three doctors ran in. That calmed Kit's highly strung nerves.
Scarlet: Yeah, Rebecca flatlined and the doctors run in, and that calms Kit. Riiiiiiiiiight.
Two of them ran straight to Rebecca's bed,
Katarina: Necrophiliacs. Yuck.
Scarlet: (bitchslaps Kat)
while the third noticing he was sitting up approached his.
Kit's eyes still were not focusing very well, but as the doctor approached they suddenly focus on his face. He was a monkey of some sort,
Katarina: Damn, dirty ape!
but not one which Kit knew of as this monkey had not fur.
Scarlet: Oh, God. No. Please tell me Ben’s not going to do what I think he’s going to do. Please. Please please please.
Beth: No!…NO! **NOOOOOOO!!!!!**
Joe: Yep, you guessed it! (Joe falls out of his seat laughing)
Neither had the others. Kit now really wanted answers. He tried to say something but because of the tube down his throat all he could say was "WhrrriffffI?"
Scarlet: So the doctors assumed he only spoke Xhosian, and sent for a translator.
Joe: Whiffle Boy?? That was from Darkwing…
"Shhhhhhhh" the doctor nearest him said while gently pushing him back down to the pillow. "Rest" he continued in a very gentle voice "Rest is what you need. There will be time of talk later, but it is not upon us yet" He turned to his colleagues. "How is she?" he asked them.
"Gone" one replied.
"Didn't have much of a chance with those injuries. At least she never woke up and died peacefully"
the other said as he pulled a sheet over her head and walked to switch the machines off.
Kit heard ever word. He started to cry. "Miz Cunningham dead?" he tried to keep himself calm.
Beth: (Doctor) No, she’s just fine. (To other Doctors) Make sure you put on your corpse-handling gloves!
Scarlet: Are you sure Ricia didn’t co-author this cheery little fic?
Joe: LOL!
Katarina: I wanted to blame Ricia, dangit!
"Hey, look" one of the doctors yelled pointing at Kit. "The male cub is awake" Both of them ran over, as Kit started to try and pull the (frosting) tubing out of his mouth. He was still crying and wiping his eyes with the back of his hands.
Joe: Well at least he has a good excuse for crying in this fic…
Scarlet: True. Mind if I join him? (begins projectile crying like Sailor Moon)
Katarina: (begins projectile vomiting)
Beth: (whimpers quietly)
"Wait a minute" the doctor nearest him said "you can do some nasty damage if you try to pull that out yourself" turning to his colleagues "I think this can come out now don't you?"
They both nodded their agreement. Kit stopped his attempt to remove the pipes,
Katarina: …but he had no training in plumbing, so the sink broke.
but continued sobbing. Gently the doctor undid the tubing from a socket on the wall above Kit's head and also disconnected the tubing by his mouth.
Scarlet: Eew.
"This may feel a little strange" the doctor warned.
Katarina: I feel more than a little strange…but then, that’s normal for me.
Kit nodded his head to signify he was ready. The doctor then started to pull the tubing out. He was right it did feel strange. Kit gagged more than once,
but felt better as soon as it was out. He was still sobbing though at the thought of Miz Cunningham's death. When it was all out the doctor passed it over to one of the others.
Beth: (Doctor) Incinerate this, would you?
"How do you feel?" he asked.
Scarlet: (Kit, clinically) Well, let’s see. I’ve been in a plane crash. My mother figure just died. The other two people I love most in the world are in critical condition. You just yanked a tube out of my esophagus. I don’t know where I am, and I don’t recognize what species you are. All in all, it’s been a mediocre day.
Joe: (Kit) with my hands and..oh, that’s not what you meant.
Kit didn't know or trust this hairless ape, but answered him anyway.
"Scared. Where am I? What happened to Miz Cunningham? Who are you?"
Beth: (smacks Joe)
"Told you" one of the doctors yelled slapping the other on the back "Told you, a bear that can talk. We can make a fortune out of him. We will be famous."
Scarlet: He is. He’s going to write this whole, sick "Planet of the Apes" thing. I can’t believe Ben’s doing this. Just when you thought things couldn’t get any more demented…
Joe: Surprise! It gets worse, by the way…
Beth: (Doctor) Hopefully he can be taught how to roller-skate…
Scarlet: (Dr Evil voice) I will call him…Kissyfur!
"Get out" the first doctor yelled at them while pointing at the door. "Get out of here, both of you"
After they left, he returned his attention back to Kit.
"Let me first of all apologise for my colleagues. Here, bears do not talk, so you are something of a novelty.
Scarlet: (as doctor) So we’re going to sell you at a novelty store. (rim shot)
Joe: (rumbles a drum and beats a cymbal)
Beth: (cues the canned laughter)
I guess he just got a bit excited, that's all."
Katarina: Excited. Heh heh…
Kit didn't think so but he nodded all the same.
"Secondly, my name is Dr. Malcolm Hudson."
He extended his right hand. Kit took it and shook it.
"K…K..Kit Cloudkicker" he replied.
Katarina: So now Kit stutters?
"Well Kit, I have some bad news.
I am afraid that your Mum died from her injuries sustained in the crash. I am happy to tell you though, that you, your Dad and sister will be just fine."
"Oh" Kit replied. He was not going to take the time to explain his somewhat complex relationship with the Higher for Hire staff to this man."
Scarlet: Nor was he going to apologize for the misplaced quotation mark.
"You are in" continued Dr. Hudson "The University of Southampton, Biomedical Building,
Katarina: …because Ben wants to get away with using British terms without further confusing us…not that we won’t be confused by his writing anyway…
though most people call it Bolderwood.
Beth: Is that Ben’s home town? Wouldn’t surprise me, considering how this fic’s going so far…
After you were pulled from Southampton Water and it was rumoured that you could talk, it was decided to bring you here rather to a normal hospital……..
Beth: (Doctor) It’s actually a veterinary school. I hope you understand.
for security reasons. That is, we don't know how the general population will react to your arrival, from where ever it is you are from." A high pitch bleeping sound came from
Scarlet: --the censors as the MiSTers attempted to describe this #$*^&# piece of #$^@%$& fic.
Joe: So that’s what happened up there…
a black box
Katarina: …of the flight recorder…
on Dr. Hudson's belt. Looking down at him he exclaimed "Damn, I
have to go.
Katarina: Well you should’ve thought of that earlier.
We will talk some more, when the rest of your family wake (s?) up.
I have to go"
Beth: (Kit) Wanna borrow my bedpan?
With that he got up and
Katarina: …ran towards the men’s room.
walked out of the door.
Kit's mind tried to take in all the information he had just been given. He was good at geography, well, he had to be. He was a navigator. But he had never heard of this city of Southampton. He had nothing else to do but lay his head back again.
He then noticed for the first time a small bunch of grapes on a table next to his bed. Taking one he popped it in his mouth and rolled it around with his tongue while thinking.
Scarlet: What the--??? 0_o I’ve been in the hospital, and they don’t leave grapes lying around.
Joe: Oh, but it’s a "special" hospital. Maybe Jack Hanna left it here. I dunno.
"My, what a great Birthday THIS has turned out to be" he muttered as he swallowed the grape.
Beth: Yeah, good thing your birthday date was just made up. You can reschedule it!
Katarina:Warning! Abrupt scene change here!
Kit, Molly and Baloo were sitting in a some what comfortable living room. It had now been three days since they all woke in this place, and since the death of Rebecca. Little was being said. Kit had asked for
Scarlet: --decent toilet paper, but all they had was that cheap, sandpapery stuff that you buy in bulk.
Joe: Baloo kept asking for girlie magazines but they didn’t have any because they didn’t have any he’d want to see… *I* can’t even believe I just said that…
Scarlet: Give him a copy of National Geographic instead. Should be some naked bears in there… Now I can’t believe I wrote that.
Beth: (Looks at Joe and Scarlet oddly)
Katarina: (pats Scarlet and Joe on the head) Very good, my pupils.
Beth: (edges away from Katarina)
maps and had found that this was not their world.
Beth: Actually, in one comic there actually is, and it’s damn disturbing!
Scarlet: o_0
He did not recognise any of the land features, countries or continents. That was only one of the many things that unnerved him at the present.
Another was how none of these human creatures, or any of them think how this could have happened.
Kit stroked his hair thoughtfully.
Were they being kept prisoner? If so why? Could they ever get back to Cape Suzette again?
Scarlet: More importantly, how could Ben even think of writing this tripe?
Joe: (Ben getting plastered one night) Yeah, I know! They should all come to England! It’s the easiest plot idea yet!
He shook his head. All he knew for sure was that he was in a weird world where they had not seen the light of day and Miz Cunningham had died. How could this get any worse?
Yet again the old adage came into effect. Never temp fate. He is a right bastard.
Katarina: Ben’s a bastard? Well, now that you mention it…
Scarlet: Must be a British thing. :-p
Beth: (queeny-stuffy accent) We are not amused!
The door opened and a younger looking human entered, carrying a clipboard. He looked nervous.
"I am not a doctor, just a student. My name is Andrew Hanham, but everyone just called me Andy"
he began as sat on a sofa opposite the group. "My job is to explain the situation to you. Firstly we are to apologise for your apparent status as prisoners. This is to protect both you and the public. Here bears do not talk.
Scarlet: Yes, you’ve mentioned that repeatedly.
Joe: (Kit with head injury) Do bears talk here??
Beth: (falls over laughing)
You would cause such a stir, not to mention a religious problem.
Scarlet: Uh…okay.
Joe: Actually, I wouldn’t doubt that, given the history of religions coming into contact with other sentient animal people races…
Beth: I’m sure they’d find *something* wrong with it.
Anyway, arrangements are being made for you to move to a more suitable residence." To Kit that did not sound too bad.
Andy (Dick) checked his clipboard. "You must be Kit" he said turning to him.
"I am
" Kit nodded.
"Well, I have some bad news for you." He looked again at the clipboard.
Beth: They always get right to the point, don’t they?
"When you were first brought in, you had a nasty gash on your left leg." Kit nodded, and looked down at the bandage that was still there. "Well, it seems that you have an, ugh, infection,
Scarlet: "Ugh"? Nice clinical detatchment, there, Andy. (as Andy) Eew! Icky! Get it away!
contracted through this wound, which could prove fatal. Well to us anyway, but we know little about your metabolic processes so
it may be different. So as we try to solve this problem I need to separate you from your family as the treatment is, not dangerous, just other people can compromise it." Kit's head sank. "You can stay here but, you may die"
Andy continued "It's up to you."
"I'll go." Kit said, the looked up "But where to?"
Andy flashed
Katarina: …him, opening his trench coat.
a smile "Don't worry, you will be three rooms away." Then he turned to Baloo and Molly "I'll ask that you will remain here for the mean time, until we can clear this infection up"
"How long doc?" Baloo asked.
Scarlet: (Bugs Bunny) What’s up, doc?
"I'm not a doctor, well not yet anyway" Andy replied, before adding "Shouldn't be more than a few days.
You three have cause a great headache to the prime minister you know"
Beth: (Andy) Waita cross parallel dimensions, you jerk!
"Oh, how?" Baloo asked with a little hint of menace in his voice.
Scarlet: (Andy) While reading about you, he walked into a wall and hit his head.
"They are trying to decide what to do with you. Where you can go. Don't worry they will come
Katarina: Heh heh…
up with something." He stood "Shall we go then, Kit?"
Kit nodded and followed Andy out of the room. And down the corridor when he suddenly stopped.
"Andy" he turned.
"Will your government end up killing us?" he asked staring right into Andy's eyes,
through his brain and deep down into his soul.
"Of course not. Both humans, and no offence, animals have some rights under our law.
They include not being killed, except in certain circumstances."
Scarlet: RABID BALOO! AAAAAAUUUGGGH!!!
Beth: They’re coming straight for us! (fires rifle)
Katarina: I’d say that the foam’s just toothpaste, but given Baloo’s hygiene skills…
Gidget: (glares)
"How do you know we won't be a "certain circumstance"" Kit asked quietly.
"'Cause you won't. I'll make sure of it."
Andy's words reassured him. Slightly.
They entered the room. There was a bed ready for him and two doctors standing by it. Andy led Kit in, before turning to him.
"I have some work to do now. Is there anything I could get you? Something to read maybe?"
"Could you get me a magazine
Scarlet: --full of pictures of naked chicks?
Beth: (Kit) …I’m going to be on the crapper fer awhile…
about aircraft?" Kit's eyes lit up.
"Your into aeroplanes? Sure, I'll fine you something.
Beth: The British spelling of ‘airplanes’ always throws me off…
I'll be back. Promise."
Katarina: But then, Kit didn’t want any margarine.
Andy left the room closing the door. Kit turned back to the doctors. One of whom he recognised as the one he saw when he woke. Dr. Hudson.
"Hi Kit" Dr. Hudson said in a kind voice "Could you just jump up here please?"
Katarina: Ya. He’s sick and his leg is hurt. Let’s make him jump. Ya. Can you say, "malpractice"?
he said as he patted the bed. Kit did so.
Scarlet: Now is this going to turn dirty? Because if it is, I’m going to go get a blindfold and some Valium.
"Lay back" Dr. Hudson said
Scarlet: The Hudson Bay Company? Hudson, Wisconsin, where they have the slowest Pizza Hut on the face of the earth and where my dad and I rode out a tornadic thunderstorm in a McDonalds? J
Katarina: I was born in Hudson. And shut up about McDonald’s! (smacks Scarlet)
applying a little pressure
Katarina: (singing) Under pressure…
to Kit's shoulder. However he did not let go. As Kit touched the pillow both doctors used their greater weight to hold him there.
Katarina: They held him down on the pillow? Are they trying to suffocate him? Cool!
Ted: (smacks Kat)
Scarlet: Ooh, how Othello!
The (y?) attached straps to his wrists, legs and across his chest. When they were sure he was firmly secured they let go.
"What's going on? BALOO" Kit yelled.
The doctors just smiled back at him "Scream all you want" the other said "It's a sound proof room"
"What are you going to do to me?" Kit asked suddenly becoming very scared.
Katarina: Farm animals.
More scared then he had ever been.
"Oh nothing much. Just a quick experiment. We are going to alter your genetic code. That's all"
Beth: (Doctor) There may be some discharge…
Scarlet: Icky.
Dr Hudson flashed an evil smile at him "And you are going to be a great guinea pig"
Scarlet: Like a talking guinea pig is going to be any better than a talking bear? Oh, wait, I get it. ;-)
"What about my infection?" Kit asked.
"What infection?" laughed the other doctor "That was just an excuse to get you away from your father"
Dr. Hudson turned to kit
Scarlet: He’s already so dehumanized (or debearized) that he no longer deserves an capital letter!
with a large syringe in his hand. He approached Kit getting ready to inject it into his left upper arm. Kit wasn't having any of this. He barred his teeth
Katarina: Where’d he get a bar?
and bit heavily into Dr. Hudson's hand, drawing blood.
"Oh you little brat" Dr. Hudson cursed as he pulled his hand back, and slapped Kit across the face.
Beth: (Doctor) Bad talking bear! Bad!
He handed the syringe to his colleague while he held Kit's mouth shut. Kit tensed the muscle in his right arm, trying anything to stop this from happening. It didn't work. The needle punched through Kit's skin and the contents of the syringe were injected.
Scarlet: Eew!!!
It instantly relaxed Kit.
Scarlet: Oh, can I have some? In pill form, preferably.
Katarina: (rummages in purse) I’m sure I’ve got some sort of pills for you…
He could fell it travelling through his veins. A cold sensation travelled up his arm, across his chest, down his other arm, up into his head and into his stomach.
There it stayed for a few minutes before spreading down each of his legs to his feet.
"How do you feel?" Dr. Hudson asked.
"Cold" Kit replied as his teeth started chattering even thought the room was at 18 degrees.
Dr. Hudson shone a maglite into each of Kit's
eyes. "No pupillar response. Its in his system.
Scarlet: Do I really have to give my "its vs. it’s" lecture again?
Joe: Tsk, tsk, tsk…
Give it time, and I hope his body doesn't fight it." He undid the straps,
Katarina: …of his girlfriend’s bra…
then they both left the room.
Kit just laid there. He felt strange. After what seemed like days, but was more like a few minutes he got control of his eyes again. He looked around the room. Apart from the table and the bed, the only other furniture in the room was a large dressing mirror and a toilet.
Beth: Kit stared at the toilet. "What the heck is *that* thing for?"
There was also another one way mirror set in the wall to his left. It was then that Kit felt the pain.
His bones were growing. He could feel them stretching. His muscled cried out in agony
Joe: You know what’s causing me pain?? The wrong use of verbs!!
Beth: This isn’t going where I think it is, is it?
as they tried to keep up. Kit curled himself up into a ball. He could also feel two large canine teeth growing from his top gum.
Katarina: Teeth are growing in gum? Man, how long ago was the expiration date?!
Scarlet: Uh…don’t bears already have canine teeth?
Joe: OH, sure, if you want to get TECHnical about it…
The pain was unbelievable.
Katarina: Of reading this fic? That’s for sure!
He screamed in agony.
Katarina: …and so did the MiSTers…
Not a moan, but a powerful high pitched scream of a creature in mortal fear. A scream which would sent shivers running down the back of anyone who heard it, and one which would have sprung a father into action.
Scarlet: It’s really quite amazing how fanfic writers keep finding new ways to give readers nightmares.
Beth: One thing bad fics have taught me; it doesn’t take much talent to horrify the reader.
Except Baloo did not hear it. He was only three doors away, but the sound proofing was very good.
Andy was climbing the stairs to the top floor of Bolderwood. He was carrying three air magazines for Kit and a box of
Scarlet: --condoms.
Joe: L
Beth J
chocolates. He had thought about grapes, then remembering his own time in hospital when he was about Kit's age and how he hated grapes decide that the chocolates will be best.
Beth: Madonna warned us about British hospitals…
Scarlet: (singing as Madonna/Weird Al) Like a surgeon…
He hoped that Kit was feeling better now. He had been gone for a couple of hours as he had also had other work to do. He met Dr. Hudson coming down the stairs.
"Ah, Andy. Are those for our young patient?" He asked with a small amount of disapproval in his voice.
"Ah, yeah. I just though they would cheer him up a bit. He seemed very down"
Scarlet: Down? He’s a bear, not a goose. (ducks bricks)
Joe: (beats cymbal)
"He's sleeping at the moment. Tell you what, give them to me and I will give them to him when he wakes. You big softy."
"Cheers
Katarina: What about TV shows set in a bar?
doc." Andy said as he began to descend the stairs again.
Katarina: …nude. You know, "Nude Descending a Staircase"? Right?
Scarlet: Thank you, Miz Art Major!
"Oh Andy, tomorrow I will be busy, do you mind doing a physical examination
of the other two for me."
"Wow, yeah sure.
Katarina: He’s just oozing enthusiasm here. Not.
Anything to help out."
"Good good, I will be spending most of tomorrow tending to our mutual friend. I think his infection is more serious then first thought."
Andy started to climb the stairs again
"Well, how did he get it?"
Scarlet: (evil doctor) It’s an S.T.D. Mentioned something about a girlfriend…
"Don't know yet. That's one thing we have to find out"
"I think I should go see him."
"I think that is the least of his worries at the moment" Dr. Hudson bloke his path
Scarlet: Bloke?
Katarina: Ben’s a British bloke, mate.
"He is sleeping and heavily drugged.
Scarlet: Just like the MiSTers! J
Joe: I wish…
Katarina: Well, the heavily drugged part…(rummages in purse)
Beth: (makes a dash for the medicine cabinet)
I'll come get you if his situation improves." Andy looked past him, then down at his feet. "Yeah guess your right.
Scarlet: Time for my "your vs you’re" lecture, too? Uff dah.
Katarina: Ya hey.
See you tomorrow then.
Bye" and turned back down the stairs.
Kit was not having a fun night,
even though the others since he woke in this world were not nice,
being worried as he was this night was by far the worst. His muscles stretched, bones stretched.
He could hear his bones cracking as they grew. The way he was growing scared him the most. He was growing much, broader, stronger than any adult. His arms hurt the most, growing the fastest and thickest.
His skin was stretching trying to cover his now huge body mass. It stretched so thin on his belly that he thought it would burst, spilling his guts onto the floor.
Scarlet: I’m being redundant, but it bears repeating. EEEEWWW!!!!!
Katarina: (gagging)
Beth: I just love gore in my TS fanfics! Ick…
"Mess with me will they" he thought. He halved
Katarina: Halved? What the---?
hoped it would burst. Yes he would die, but it would be better than what ever it was he was turning into and it would prevent the doctors from completing their experiment. And they would have to clean it up.
Beth: LOL! With a crystal slop-bucket!
Another thing Kit had noticed was he was eating more than three Baloo's put together.
Katarina: o_0
There was a button on the wall which had food written in biro
Scarlet: Biro? What? Huh?
Beth: Bureau? Braille? Bistro?
Joe: Oh, I’ve had those. They’re good with yogurt. Or was that gyros?
Katarina: Gyros? Mmm! But with yogurt? Ug!
above. Kit would press it and food would appear in a slot in the wall.. He felt constantly hungry.
Scarlet: Is he pregnant?
Joe: Steroids are bad, m’kay?
"What is happening to me?
Where is all this food going?" he yelled as yet again he pressed the button.
Beth: Why, the alimentary, my dear Kit! (gets hit by a rotten tomato)
And yet again the tray of food appeared, but this time with a note on it.
Beth: (Kit, reading fortune) ‘Crickets never chirp in the rain.’ What the hell is that supposed to mean?!
"Where else is all the building blocks for you new body coming from?" it read.
Kit did have to admit he felt a lot bigger. He had grown out of his green jumper
Katarina: I thought it was a sweater. Dang British.
so quickly he did not have time to take it off. It now lay on the floor like a small green coloured duster. Kit could however not bring himself to look in the mirror. He thought the shock of it would kill him.
"I believe the infection may be worse than we first thought" Andy said as he looked deep into Baloo's ear.
Katarina: …brushing away a few cobwebs…
"When can we see him?" Baloo asked.
"I don't know, when Dr. Hudson says so. We have to keep the room as sterile as possible."
Katarina: …so they neutered Baloo and Molly. (smacks self)
Beth: (Andy) And you’re about as germ-ridden as they come…
"What are they doing to him?" Molly asked as Andy made a note on his clipboard.
"Don't know. I don't treat diseases. I study how animals works and their behaviour. I have never examined a bear. Let least one which can tell me things.
Scarlet: Huh?
Beth: Oh, I want to hurt this fic.
You two are great."
"I just wish I knew how Kit was" Baloo said quietly.
"You care about your son a lot don't you. I only wished
Scarlet: (Andy) –I knewed how to use verbs and punctuation.
his mother had survived the crash."
"You mean Becky?" Baloo laughed "She's not his mum, and not
Scarlet: Blimey.
Katarina: Krikey! I’ve lost my mojo!
Beth: Tally-ho! Pip pip!
my wife either. She was however the mother of little Molly though. No, Beck was
my boss. And no I'm not Kit's father either, nor am I Molly's.
Scarlet: Next, on Maury Povich…
Kit was an orphan, who has been through some rough times. We were going to his thirteenth birthday party when, somehow we ended up here. I have taken him under my belt
Katarina: …or dirty.
Beth: Both, but somehow, it seems to fit well within this fic.
as he is a good kid. I would do anything for him."
"Wow. He means that much to you?"
"See him as my own boy"
"Have you formally adopted him yet?"
"Had some problems there. Paper pushers at city hall want him arrested for crimes he committed when he was on the street.
Joe: Uh…O-kay, that was randomly new…
I say, he had to survive somehow."
Scarlet: Deuce Cloudkickalo, Male Gigolo.
Joe: Because he wanted to win Survivor!
Katarina: Is he going to eat bugs?
Scarlet: In a few pages, you’ll WISH he was eating bugs…
"So true. Tell you what, I'll try and find out some news for you this evening when Dr Hudson has gone home. Got a message I could pass along."
"I miss you" Molly said.
Scarlet: She misses Andy? But he’s right there? Oh, she meant Kit. Never mind.
"Will do"
Katarina: What about Will?
Andy smiled. Baloo had to admit, out of all these human creatures he had so far met, this Andy, was the only one he trusted.
Beth: ...and that would later prove to be a fatal mistake.
"Appreciate it" Baloo nodded.
"Its now or never" he thought as he moved to the mirror. The image staring back at him made him burst into tears.
Kit was now nearly eight feet tall.
Scarlet: LOL! He still wouldn’t look as weird as Dennis Rodman, though.
His nose had extended and two large nostrils sat at the end. Almost like a pig's nose.
Scarlet: Nothing a little plastic surgery wouldn’t fix.
Joe: This is ripping off so many Twilight Zone episodes it isn’t even funny anymore…
His forehead was large, with an overhanging brow, his fangs were curved and extended about an inch below his chin, his hand each had a retractable claw on the ends of his fingers,
Beth: (too horrified for words)
and toes. The rest of his teeth had extended into fangs and were long. His hands and feet were huge,
Scarlet: Well, you know what they say… >;-)
Beth: Lol! (Kit, looking down) Well, at least it’s not *all* bad.
Joe: (grabs his throw pillow and holds it in front of his face) No more! Mercy! No mas!!!
and his fur had grown long and shaggy.
Katarina: (Scooby Doo voice) Nice one, Shaggy!
However he could feel that this body was very powerful. He looked more closely, past his grotesque appearance. Now that he was bigger, so were his muscles. He flexed his arms, with a hand around each bicep.
Katarina: (as Kit) I’m so buff!
Scarlet: (Kit) Wait’ll my girlfriend sees me now!
There was not a trace of fat on him. He looked around and saw the heavy metal
Katarina: (Bill and Ted voice) Heavy metal? Excellent!
bed he was first strapped into last night. Wiping his nose on the back of his arm,
Scarlet: Get this boy a Kleenex!
Beth: Guess altering your DNA is about as easy as getting a flu shot.
he went over to it. He spent a long time just looking at it, before he bent his knees and put one arm underneath. To his amazement he lifted it with ease, and threw it across the room.
That was a good sign he decided. If he was now stuck in this body he would make those who did it to him pay.
Beth: Yeah, get in line, buddy.
But now he would wait. He walked over to where the bed was and put it back in its correct position and sat on it. It did not bother him now that he was naked
Scarlet: More like, it didn’t bother Ben that Kit was naked.
Beth: What is it with bad fics, Kit, and innuendo?!
Joe: Yeah, what is up with the obsession of making Kit a bodybuilder??
Katarina: It never bothers me when Kit is nekkid. Grrrr-ow! Ya!
Beth: Um. (laughs awkwardly)
Scarlet: Uh…Kat? Are you feeling all right?
Katarina: Am I ever?
and sitting as a prisoner in some crazy land. He had only one thing on his mind. Revenge.
Katarina: Happy déjà vu day!
Andy left Baloo and Molly to themselves and walked towards Kit's room. To his surprise there were two armed guards outside.
Katarina: As opposed to guards with three arms or no arms? o_0
He went to open the door, when one of them stepped to the side and blocked him.
Andy fished around for his ID card and showed it to the guard.
"No good. Only Dr. Hudson is allowed in here. The infection has spread and he is fearful it may spread to humans"
Andy was stunned. He left for his office to think about this. How was he going to get Baloo's message through. He decided not to go to his office, instead he went to the nearest pub and had a pint.
Katarina: Of blood? Icky!
That made him feel more relaxed.
Scarlet: (Andy) Let’s see, there’s a family torn apart and in pain, and I could comfort them, but, oh what the hell, I’ll go get snockered instead.
Joe: But it’s not like it’s based on Ben’s life at all…
Beth: I can’t believe how British this fic is!
Kit was hungry now. Knowing he had to keep his strength up he pushed the button for some food. None came. He pushed it again. Still nothing. He pressed again, and again and again. Nothing. He want and sat on the bed, staring at the slot in the wall. After about an hour, a live pig was pushed through.
Scarlet: No. No no no no no. Just when I thought it couldn’t possibly get ANY worse…
Katarina: Hey, I kept mentioning farm animals.
Joe: And his name was Wilbur.
Scarlet: That’s Some Pig!
Katarina: Some *dead* pig…
It saw Kit, squealed and ran to the corner that was furthest from him. There it stayed. Just watching him. Shaking. Kit stared at the trembling pig.
"No, they can't mean…." He broke off as Dr. Hudson's voice was heard through a speaker on the ceiling.
"Yes Kit, that is your food now. We are testing your instinct of self preservation. You are much more powerful than the pig. Kill it, eat it, continue living"
Beth: (braces herself for more pointless violence)
"Then what have you done to my body?" Kit yelled at the mirror on the wall.
"Oh that" came his reply "that was to see if it could be done. I guess it can"
Scarlet: Derrr. Yeah.
Beth: (Doctor, writing on clipboard) ‘Sinus congestion alleviated, some monsterism.’
"And now you will turn me back" Kit yelled
"Can't do that. We don't know how."
Kit hung
Katarina: …himself. The end.
Scarlet: (claps)
Gidget: (smacks Kat and Scarlet)
his head. That was one piece of news he did not want to hear. That was the first time he had heard his own voice since he changed. It was deep,
Katarina: Puberty.
almost a growl sound. In frustration he banged his fist against the mirror. He was still hungry. He turned and looked at the pig, then away, then back. His mouth was watering. He turned away again. He sat on the bed.
"What's wrong with you?" he asked himself "you've eaten pork before"
Katarina: And you’ve "porked" Tammy before…
Scarlet: (weeping) Dunder!
Joe: Maybe it was Spigot. That I could live with…J
Scarlet: Yeah. (evil grin)
Beth: Ever wonder why there’s never any Thembrians in fanfics? Yeah, me neither.
"But never when it is alive" that voice in his head replied. He turned and looked back at the pig again. Boy was he hungry. It was all this body wanted to do was eat. No he was not about to kill that pig. He sat with his back to it on the bed and thought of anything but food.
Joe: Baloo was really gonna have to have that talk with him soon…
Andy ordered hi pint and sat at a table, while thinking of what to do. Another man sat opposite him.
"You work in Bolderwood don't you?" he said. Andy nodded.
"Top floor?" again Andy nodded.
"So do you
Scarlet: (the other guy) wanna go out sometime?
know anything about the animal experiments up there?" Andy stared at him through his pint. Yes there were animals being experiment on up there.
They were mainly cats and monkeys, all for the benefit of mankind though.
"Your not some animal rights fanatic, who wants to bomb it are you?"
Andy asked. He knew it was a stupid question to ask, but sometimes they can work.
"You mean the Animal Liberation Front? Don't be silly, they tried three years ago, and failed. Anyway I don't go in for direct action"
Scarlet: Unfortunately, pal, it’s not just you. (sigh)
Beth: Nothing worse than a bad fic with a message.
"Oh, then why do you want to know about any animal experiments that might take place up there?"
"To relive them of their suffering"
Scarlet: I think you mean relieve.
"You mean kill them?"
"No, re-home them."
Scarlet: Homo sapiens? J
"There are no animal experiments going on up there" Andy lied. He didn't trust this guy. Who just nodded.
"If any ever do, you can find me through the barman in the students union bar"
Katarina: A barman in a bar? Who’d-a thunk?
"Who do I ask for?"
"Ask for Ben." And he left.
Scarlet: Lordy. A Mary Sue.
Beth: I knew it I knew it I knew it I knew it!
Kit had now waited a whole day. Still nothing else to eat came in. Again he looked at the now sleeping pig. His stomach growled and his mouth watered. It was too much, he was too hungry. He jumped up, grabbed the pig and bit deeply into it's underbelly.
Beth: (as big-uns) Kill the pig! Bash its head! Drink its blood!
Scarlet: (covers her eyes and whimpers at the bad flashback to 11th grade English)
The pig squealed in terror before it went limp.
Scarlet: I’m far too disturbed and nauseated to correct him for the misused apostrophe in "its".
Joe: I’m having flashbacks to about half a dozen Anne Rice novels about now…0_o
Katarina: (pops another pill until it stops hurting)
Kit closed his eyes. Both to enjoy the sensation of eating, and so that he could not see what he was eating. The meat was warm and moist, very juicy and to his surprise tasted nice. Kit even ate the bones, his powerful jaw turning them to gelatine with each bite.
Katarina: I’m beginning to see why Joe’s a vegetarian…
Beth: Heck, I’m considering it right now. :p
The last one he used as a tooth pick, before it too was swallowed. That felt better.
Slowly he looked in the mirror. His face, neck, arms, chest, stomach and upper legs were covered in blood. It made Kit feel suddenly very sick.
Katarina: I think that the term "very sick" applies to Ben.
He sat on the bed, covered his eyes with his huge hand and cried again. Both for the situation he was in and because of what he had just done. He was now, truly in his eyes, a monster. And he didn't like it.
Scarlet: I’ve got news for ya, kiddo, neither do we.
Andy was coming back into work. He saw Dr. Hudson writing something on a clipboard. "How's Kit this morning?" he asked cheerfully.
"Getting worse I'm afraid" Dr. Hudson said sadly "Don't thing he has much time left"
Scarlet: I don’t thing Ben proofread this thing.
"Have you told his father?" Andy asked, keeping what Baloo had told him in confidence.
"No, not yet. You want to do it?"
Scarlet: Well, there was that box of condoms lying around…
"Yeah, I'll do it" he sadly agreed.
Pity, he liked the young cub.
Dr. Kemp
Katarina: Mmm. Ice cream…
rounded the corner "Ah, Dr. Hudson, excuse us for a second Andy
Katarina: There’s a second Andy? Really?
will you?"
"Sure" Andy walked round the corner and took a deep breath. He was about to open the door
where Baloo and Molly were staying when he heard something. Walking back he started to over hear their conversation.
"So, you think the cub has grown to his full height now?" Dr. Hudson asked.
"Yes I do. He is now eight feet tall, and weighs nearly ninety stones.
Beth: Ninety stones? That’s a very weird system of measurement the British use.
Katarina: Stoned? Sure! (rummages in bag)
Oh you were right, he gave in last night and ate."
"Excellent. I wonder how he will respond to being fed his sister?" Dr. Hudson suddenly asked.
Scarlet: WHAT? Just when I thought it REALLY couldn’t get any worse…
Joe: (is laughing too hard to even respond)
Katarina: Well, at least it’s just Molly…
Beth: (Doctor) And I also wonder what would happen if we only fed him milk duds after that…
"Don't know. Get him used to eating pigs for a few days then try. Say three days time?"
"What about the father?"
"Kill him after young Kit has eaten her"
"Done"
Scarlet: Silence of the Cubs.
Joe: This is SICK!!!!! This is not Talespin, it’s more like Tales From the Crypt!!!
Scarlet: Only not as cheery and heartwarming.
Katarina: TaleSpin From the Crypt?
Beth: LOL! You read my mind, Kat!
Andy was in a cold sweat. "Oh my God" he thought. He moved back to Baloo's door. He would not tell them. He would only say he knows something nasty was going to happen
and he would get them out. He wanted desperately to know what they had done to Kit. He would find out later. He continued his days work as normal, still shaking when he talked, especially to Molly. What did they mean when they said "Feed him his own sister"?
Katarina: I’d say, "Mmm…cookies" but this whole thing is making me nauseous.
As he got to leave, he turned to Baloo.
"I have some news. I don't think Kit is ill at all. I think he is being experimented on."
"You what" Baloo's eyes turned dangerous.
Scarlet: Lasers shot from his eyes and incinerated Andy. The End.
Andy backed away.
"I have a plan to get him, you and Molly out. I need to make some phone calls. I hope to have this done in two days maximum."
"If they hurt my boy, I'll, I'll kill something"
"Don't show that you know. It will tip them off. Please, let me handle it. I'm on your side."
Baloo nodded. He calmed down "Keep me posted" he said.
Katarina: So Andy put a bunch of stamps on him.
"I want to talk to Ben" Andy said to the barman.
Scarlet: You can’t, because you’re a fanfic character, and Ben is a real person. Albeit a dumb one with no life, but a real person nonetheless.
As instructed he was in the university student's union bar.
Beth: Ironically it was called the ‘Delusional Fic Writers Who Insert Themselves Into Their Work’ Bar-n-Grill.
The barman handed over a piece of paper with a mobile phone number on it. Andy took it and walked outside and dialled.
Scarlet: Dialled a llama?
"Hello" the voice said.
Andy swallowed "Is that Ben?" he said.
"Yes"
"You spoke to me last night in the style.
Katarina: What style? Old Style beer?
I have some information for you"
"Meet me in the style in ten minutes" and hung up.
Scarlet: Style? Must be a British thing again.
"No way.
Scarlet: This is a most heinous fanfic, dude.
Katarina: Bogus.
Beth: Gnarly!
Really?" Ben asked in disbelief.
"It's true. I have worked with them for the last 5 days."
"And the one they are experimenting on?"
"Kit?"
"Probably, what have they done to him?"
Beth: (Andy) Well, they turned him into a monster, but his sinuses are clear now.
"Don't know, but they seem, from what I heard to have made him bigger."
Scarlet: (Andy) You know…bigger? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink?
Katarina: (smacks Scarlet) I’ll make the sick comments around here!
Ben nodded thoughtfully. "Any guards?"
"Some, don't know for sure"
Beth: (Ben) Whatever. We’ll just kill them…
"Give me until tomorrow night. I will get some troops.
Katarina: Because bartenders apparently have private armies. Right.
Ever fired a weapon?" Andy shook his head. "You have until tomorrow to learn."
"I thought you didn't agree with direct action."
"Not when sentient life is at stake" he answered.
Scarlet: Notice he didn’t say intelligent life.
Joe: (bitchslaps Scarlet)
"Where will you get them from?"
"I have contacts.
Katarina: Me too! Because I look geeky in glasses.
Beth: So do I. Wanna see? (pulls contact lenses off her eyes, grossing everyone out)
Meet he in hear
Scarlet: PROOFREAD, DAMN YOU!
Joe: Here, he- Er…what she said.
at ten tomorrow night." He got up and left.
"Never thought I would I would make a deal with a terrorist" Andy thought as he finished his pint.
Joe: I’m guessing Ben isn’t anti-alcohol…
Kit had eaten a total of four pigs. He was now used to it.
And his fur was now stained a crimson colour where he couldn't wash the blood out. He tried. With his only source of water being the toilet, it was hard to keep clean.
Katarina: (gets a mental image of Kit drinking out of the toilet, and rummages for more drugs)
Beth: Eeeew! Toilet breath!
Yet again he was hungry, so he pressed for food. To his horror this time, not a pig came through the slot, but
Scarlet: a can of Spam!
a crying Molly.
Beth: (laughs with Joe)
She looked up at him and screamed. Ran over to the same corner that the pigs always ran to.
Kit was horrified. He could not eat Molly. Could he?
His stomach roared. He approached her, and picked her up. She just cried. Kit carried her to the bed where he sat down.
"It's me. Kit." He said in as softly a voice as he could.
"K…k…..Kit?" Molly's eyes widened. First with horror then with relief.
"What happened to you? I was worried."
"I don't know button nose. I don't know" God he was hungry. He lifted her towards his mouth, then stopped.
He kissed her instead of swallowing her. This would be a temptation and a half.
Scarlet: (sobbing) Make it stop! Make it stop!!!!
Andy walked in to find Baloo sitting on his own on one of the sofas.
"They took her" he kept on saying.
"What? What happened here?" Andy asked in alarm.
Baloo looked up. "They took her. Said it was for tests. She's gone now. Just like Kit"
Katarina: Is he *ever* good for anything? (ducks brick thrown by Gidget)
Beth: Bad fic cliché #27 – Make Baloo into a useless, fretful halfwit.
"I think I know where she is." Andy said
Katarina: Up Jerry Springer’s nose? Mars? With Jimmy Hoffa and Elvis?
"And we will get them tonight" Baloo looked up. "Tonight?"
"Pack your bags,
Scarlet: Because they have so many personal possessions there. :-p
we will bust you all out tonight." And he left.
He just hoped Kit would hold on to his hunger, by the time he got back or Molly and Baloo would be dead.
He ran to the style and waited.
"Okay, this is the plan" Ben began.
Scarlet: ROTFLMAO!!!!
There were five men altogether including Andy and Ben. They were in a transit van, dressed in black, with masks and automatic weapons.
Katarina: (hands Joe a pill)
Beth: I hate contrived vigilantism.
"We go in. Shout a lot. Tape up the guards,
break down the doors and bring them out in the truck. Back to my house, till we can get them over to the States where w reserve is standing by. Questions?"
Beth: (as one of those dudes) Yeah, um, why are we doing this again?
"Where did you get these from?" Andy asked holding up his AK-47.
Scarlet: (Ben) Well, you see, this is all really my own deluded fantasy, so I can do and have anything I want.
"I have contacts.
Scarlet: I have glasses. J
Any more?" No one spoke up "Lets go."
The guard at the front desk was easy.
Scarlet: Kit’s girlfriend?
Joe: Oh, please, like she could guard anything. She’d be smooching the first criminal that walked in the place.
Scarlet: And she’d probably help them rob the place so they’d have money to pay her, afterwards. :-p
He was trained to resist by surrendering and only if possible set the alarm off. He couldn't, he was gaffer taped to his chair, on across the mouth and one across the eyes. The group went up stairs.
Katarina: Because it’s convenient.
Beth: Methinks Ben has seen ‘Terminator 2’ a few too many times.
"Two outside the cub's room" Andy whispered to Ben, who nodded.
They came to the corner.
"One, two, three" Ben whispered before jumping round, gun up and running towards the guards.
Beth: And his fantasy is so cliché and juvenile I just want to bash my head against the wall!
"Back off, face down, on the ground" he yelled. They were so startled they obeyed instantly.
Katarina: (clutches goody bag possessively)
They were disarmed,
Katarina: Ben cut their arms off? Violent, but cool!
gaffer taped and locked in a cupboard.
Using a guards card, Andy swiped they lock
Scarlet: They lock?
Joe: Thailog?? He was Goliath’s clone…J
and opened the door. What he saw shocked him,
Katarina: But what was Newt Gingrich doing with that Muppet and the Jell-o?
and the men who followed. There lying on the bed, was a huge monster creature obviously asleep, curled up on its right side. That must have been Kit. To Andy's horror there was no sign of Molly.
Scarlet: Ben, don’t you DARE.
Joe: OH MY GOD!!! HE KILLED MOLLY! YOU BASTARD!! Actually I don’t remember this part…I don’t think I wanted to read it so the next part will be new to me.
Beth: (starts chronically rocking back in forth)
"Check the room three doors on the right" he said to one of the men behind him, who ran off with two more.
"Molly" Andy yelled while Ben guarded the door. Kit stirred and woke.
He looked up and saw Andy. He made a deep growling sound in his throat,
Katarina: Ted?
Ted: What?
Katarina: Oh, nothing. Just the growling reminded me of you.
and barred his teeth.
Scarlet: Ben should be barred from writing fanfics for life. :-p
They were blood stained.
"Molly. It's me Andy. We are getting you out of here. You too Kit" he said. Then from in front of Kit's chest where she had been curled up asleep Molly stuck her head up.
Beth: I’m relieved yet disappointed at the same time ; )
"If you are hungry Kit
Katarina: Hungry Kit. Isn’t that a pancake brand? Oh no wait. That’s Hungry Jack. Nevermind.
come with us.
Katarina: Heh heh.
We will get you some
Scarlet: --Slim-Fast.
Katarina: Heh heh. "Get some". Heh heh.
proper food and hopefully a way to change you back."
Beth: Of course, according to the laws of physics, specifically the 2nd Law of Thermodynamics, Kit’s transformation shouldn’t have been possible in the first place, but yeah. Whatever.
Scarlet: Not to mention the 2nd Law of Ohmigodthisissosickandwrongnamics. J
Seeing Baloo arrive in the door convinced Kit to trust Andy. He got up, picked up Molly and sat her on one of his shoulders and approached Baloo.
"Uh, Papa Bear. I know I look awful, but in here I am still Kit" he said tapping his head with his free hand.
Beth: Kit then ate him.
Baloo looked shocked
Katarina: …by electical wires that came down from the ceiling…
Scarlet: DUH.
"What have they done to you Li'l Britches?" he asked.
"We will work on that later. Lets go" Ben ordered. The group made their way towards the stairs, when from behind them they all heard a laugh.
Coming out of the shadows was Dr.
Katarina: --Evil
Scarlet: --Souichi Tomoe, from SailorMoonS.
Katarina: --Who.
Beth: --Zaius.
Scarlet: --Seuss.
Katarina: --Dolittle.
Beth: --Nick.
Joe: Enough!
Hudson. Around him were twenty armed men.
Katarina: Men with 20 arms?!
Scarlet: Call Hercules!
"Well Andy. I knew you would try something like this. I guess I was right. Surrender and no one will have a slow death."
Beth: Ben ordered Dr. Hudson from ‘Psychopathic Cliché Villains R’ Us.’
Ben readied his gun at the assembled men.
Katarina: --from a kit he bought at Sears.
Kit was shaking with anger.
"Why?" Andy asked taking off his (tuxedo) mask "Why did you do this?"
"Oh, I'm being paid a lot by some underground villain
Scarlet: Moliarty, from Darkwing Duck?
Beth: Please, no! He was annoying.
Scarlet: But he was voiced by Jim Cummings…
who wants an original way to dispose of his enemies" Kit felt sick on hearing that. "These are his boys now. Once we have perfected the mind work, you my friend will kill and eat on a command from your new master"
Beth: But why wouldn’t he test it on humans first? After all, wouldn’t that be what he was…and he…AAGGHH!
"You bastard"
he put down Molly and jumped Dr. Hudson. Kit was indeed a powerful animal now and managed to reach him, before anyone could do anything. Picking him up in his powerful hands, he pulled his head off.
Scarlet: (Muffy Vanderschmere) Charming.
Joe: (again, inappropriately) ROTFLMAO!!!!!
Katarina: Eew.
Beth: (sings) Kit tack-led the vill-ain and his head popped off…
That was all he could do. He was mown down by the gangsters guns. He fell to the ground in a pool of blood.
Scarlet: Uh, okay.
Joe: That was the worst ending ever!!!! Ben, you moron!!!!
Beth: Are you *sure* Ben’s a nice guy, Joe?!
Hearing the gunfire the animal liberators also shot back. The gunfight was short, swift, brutal and totally fatal to the liberators. Baloo and Molly included.
Scarlet: My, this is cheery.
Joe: Oh they’ll be alive in the next fic. These really ARE like South Park!
Katarina: Oh my god! You killed…um…everyone! You bastard!
Beth: (As Baloo and Molly ) Yes! We’re finally out of this fic!
Next day when Dr. Kemp arrived for work, he was met by the ten surviving members of his hit squad. They loaded the bodies into the incinerator and pretended none of it had ever happened.
Beth: Ignoring the fact that the Prime Minister of England allegedly knew about it, as well as the rescuers, the news crews, the hospital staff, the paparazzi, etc etc.
He was of course disappointed that his new killing machine was no more, as he could not wait to try it out of someone.
Scarlet: And then, Ben, when you’re done, turn it on yourself, m’kay?
Unfortunately the knowledge to create it had died with Dr. Hudson, so try as he might with many a kidnap victim, he could never keep it alive. In the end he gave up and retired to his underground world he knew so well.
Scarlet: Not as if we cared, but thanks for filling us in.
And for the crew of Higher for Hire, it was the most fateful flight they had ever taken.
Scarlet: No crap.
Katarina: Well, I guess this must be a classic work of literature. Because they all die!
Scarlet: I take exception to this rule today.
Beth: Oh, but I’m glad Karnage wasn’t included in this suckfest! That alone makes me sigh with relief. J
Scarlet: Ditto.
THE END.
Scarlet: Yay!!!!
Beth: Hey Ben, how about next time you write a fic about your delusional fantasy of being a gun-toting vigilante, you keep TaleSpin out of it, m’kay?
PS I don't condone the use of direct action for the purpose of animal rights as it often leads to more problems then it solves.
Beth: …but for the purposes of writing a horrible, gruesome, disgusting story, Ben’s willing to waive all that…
Also having been accused of being a member of the ALF
Scarlet: Gordon Shumway?
Katarina: Does he eat cats?
Joe: It’s sad that I get that reference…
Beth: He’s back, in pog form!
(which I take as a great insult) at a couple of anti fox hunting rallies, I would never join, knowing that it is a great propaganda coup for them. It is also illegal and stupid. Ben.
Scarlet: Whereas this story is legal but stupid. Yipee yay whoopie wow. :-p
Beth: Nice sentiment, Ben, but next time, just donate some money, alright?
Scarlet: Preferably to the Home for Brain-Damaged MiSTers. J
Joe: At least he’s helping foxes… I guess that’s good. It doesn’t excuse this heap of a fic, but whatever. (blows a kiss) GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!!!!
(Everyone quickly runs out to the bathroom and vomits.)