TaleSpin Fanfic
(Title suggestions anyone?) by JopDance

Joe: OH, I might have a few. Like why don’t you go to-

On to Part B of Part 1

Joe: Is this a fic or instructions for how to assemble a camping tent?

The vixen walked confidently down Commerce Street.

Joe: But then someone called her a big huge fatty and she burst into tears.

She stopped when she reached the museum steps and reached into her stylish leather purse and pulled out a small compact

Scarlet: --car. It was a BIG purse.

. Flipping

Scarlet: --off a cabbie was a bad idea, because he pulled out a machete and cut off her arms. Fortunately it was just a flesh wound. ;-)

it open she looked admiringly at her reflection. Dark eyes smiled back at her

Joe: Those are some pretty expressive eyes she’s got there. Or mutated ones.

from under long eyelashes. Her shining, raven black hair found its way into the reflection and framed her delicately curved face.
Perfect, she smiled.

Scarlet: Is that what I smelled? >_< Or was it the clunky exposition and blatant character description?

She snapped shut her compact and slid it into khaki pants and ran nimbly up the steps.

Scarlet: *begins humming "Eye of the Tiger"*

Passing the security guard

Scarlet: *dreamy smile* Oh, wait, if you haven’t read my novel that doesn’t make any sense. Never mind. J

with a friendly smile, she

Joe: Pantsed him and then ran. The little sorority punk.

entered the museum and stopped to look around. She was in a large room with a very high ceiling.

Scarlet: (singing) He’s heeeeere, the Phantom of the Oooooopera! (makes "chandelier-falling" noises)

A lobby. There were a few stands selling coffee and hotdogs

Scarlet: *drips guacamole all over a priceless artifact* Oopsie!

and many people milling around.

Scarlet: They were making grain?

On three of the rooms four walls there were giant doors ornately carved with flowers and vines covered in gold foil. She was puzzled on how any normal sized person could open the door until she noticed a thick golden rope tied to each of them and rigged to a pulley. It was a room for a giant.

Scarlet: Fi fie fo fum, I smell a bad fanfic!

People spilled in and out of the doors and over the door she was facing was a large banner proclaiming in bold letters: Jewel of the Tiger!

Visiting Cape Suzette Today Only! She smiled pleasantly at the banner and started

Joe: to steal it when the guard saw her and booted her ass back out.

for the door when someone tapped her on the shoulder.

"Hello!" A blond duck smiled at her with a smile of pure sunshine.

Scarlet: Webby was only blonde in that freaky alternative future when she was married to Doofus. 0_o But yeah. LOL

"I couldn't help noticing how lost you look and was wondering if I could offer you a tour?"

Joe: (duck) of my pants…

The vixen's almond eyes slanted even more as they crinkled in a smile.

Scarlet: *looks at Mary-Sue checklist* Ah, almond eyes. There they are. *makes checkmark*

"Why thank you-" she glanced at the girl's nametag. "Sandy. I would love a tour."

"Then follow me." She beamed. "I've already got a few other people to join us."

Scarlet: Negaduck?

She led them to the door on her far right.

"Oh! Where are my manners! I forgot to ask you your name!"

Scarlet: Is that what I smelled?

"Jade." She said absently as she looked hungrily at a vender selling doughnuts.

Scarlet: Maybe she’s bulimic.

"What a beautiful name! And what a lovely sweater! Wherever did you get it?" Sandy smiled as she looked admiringly at the sky blue shirt.

Joe: (Jade) Well I don’t know her name, but she was asleep in the park, and I felt grabby…

Jade glanced down at herself and picked a piece of lent from her shirt.

Scarlet: ROTFL!!!! I should give up MiSTing for Lent. Naaaaaaaah.

"From out of town." She spoke with a short, choppy accent.

Joe: (Jade) Me no like speak! Me love you long time?

Sandy turned her friendly, blue eyes away from

Joe: Spongebob.

the sweater and back to Jade's face.

"What a beautiful accent!" She beamed. She never seemed to say anything without smiling.

Scarlet: Edge away slowly and keep nodding… o_0

"Where did you say you were from?"

"Erm, the same place I got the sweater." She smiled apologetically.

Scarlet: LOL! I think we did establish in a previous MiST that there’s a Gap For Bad Fanfic Characters.

Twenty minutes later Jade stood in the midst of a small tour group looking a display

Joe: and forgetting what little grammar she knew.

of dinosaur bones. Sandy chattered on happily about the living habits of the brontosaurus

*everyone stares blankly at Scarlet*

while the group took pictures. Jade leaned against the rail enclosing the bones and gazed at them with a bored expression on her face.

Joe: Let’s see. She’s secretive, she doesn’t like learning, she’s confidant, beautiful, dressed up…nah, she couldn’t possibly lack any class.

"And now to finish our tour, we will visit the world renowned Jewel of the Tiger! Visiting the Cape Suzette Museum for one day only!"

Joe: And Jade began to strip. (Jade) Oh, sorry, those are also code words for when I’m on stage!

Sandy's words electrified Jade. She sat up suddenly and her half hooded eyes flew wide open.

Scarlet: I was going to break out the cattle prod, but you beat me to it. J

Shouldering her purse, she made her way to the front of the tour group, excusing herself whenever she accidentally stepped on someone's feet. When she reached Sandy she grinned happily.

"This is the part I've been waiting for!"



The tour group pressed around the glass case that held the shining Jewel of the Tiger,

Scarlet: You know, when I made that joke about the "Eye of the Tiger" song before, I didn’t even know that was practically the name of the exhibit. I’m more psycho than I thought.

the flashing light from their cameras making it shine brilliantly. Jade was as close as the velvet rope would allow, gazing at the jewel. Sandy stood beside her, proudly telling the jewels history.

Joe: (Sandy) First it was manufactured by a bunch of jewelers, and then it sold on QVC for almost a steal!

"The jewel of the tiger is from the ancient land of Medagursia

Scarlet: Sounds like a type of herb or something…

and is said to be centuries old.

Scarlet: Well, technically, jewels take millions of years to form deep within the earth, but ya.

It was a gift from a tiger to a prince who once saved his life and is said to shine as bright as the light

Scarlet: "Tyger, tyger, burning bright, in the forests of the night…"

of their friendship."

Scarlet: Ladies and gentlemen, meet Joe of the One-Track Mind. J

"What a pretty story." Thought Jade as she gazed at the flaming

Scarlet: LOL!!!!

orange jewel. A lock of her hair fell into her face and as she

Joe: screamed from the impact on her eyeball…

brushed it away she noticed a man on the other side of the jewel also gazing intently at it. He wore a long trench coat

Scarlet: --with nothing on underneath. *makes flashing motion*

and hat that shadowed his face; but

Joe: He wasn’t conspicuous, or anything.

she could see a long fox-like nose with a fake mustache pasted on the end.

Scarlet: How could she tell it was fake?

Two ears poked out from the hat and one of them had a piece cut out of it and hung crookedly.

Scarlet: Golly gee that sounds familiar… Who do I know with a fox-like nose and a tattered ear? Hmm… *looks at family portrait* Oh yeah! J

Jade narrowed her eyes. A thief.

Scarlet: According to Disney, he is a fox, you know…

Could he be any more obvious? She glanced around to see if anyone else had noticed his presence and when she turned around, he was gone.

"And that concludes the Cape Suzette Museum tour. We hope you enjoy your visit." Sandy said sunnily.

Scarlet: Sunnily? Is that a word? If it is, it shouldn’t be. >_<

Jade straitened up slowly, a little perplexed as

Scarlet: --to the author’s inability to spellcheck…

the tour group dispersed. How did he disappear so fast?

Joe: His girlfriend told him she was pregnant.

"Jade?" She looked over at the small duck addressing her. They were both relatively short, but Jade was slightly taller than she was.
"I know it must be hard being new in town," Sandy began. "So, I thought you might need a friend.

Joe: (Sandy) A very "special" friend.

Here's my phone number if you ever need anything."

Joe: (Sandy) Just whistle. You know how to whistle, don’t you?

Jade looked down at the small card that had Sandy's name and phone number hastily scribbled down on it with a surprised look on her face. She looked back up at Sandy, a slow smile spreading on her face.
"Thank you, Sandy. I really appreciate it."
Sandy's eyes brightened as an idea occurred to her.

Scarlet: I thought it was glow-in-the-dark sunglasses.

"Why don't I take you out to eat, show you around town? Cape Suzette is really a very beautiful city."
"Tonight? I don't know..."

Joe: (Jade) I haven’t dated anyone in a while…

"Come on, it'll be fun! I'm off in about five minutes. Just let me sign out and change out of my uniform and we can go!"

Joe: (Jade) OKAY! Oh, you meant change in another room. *sigh*

Sandy chummily grabbed her arm

Scarlet: Is THAT a word? Although since "chum" can also mean fish guts, it might describe this fic fairly accurately…

and led a reluctant Jade off, chattering all the while.

Evening found Jade and Sandy sitting in the middle of a small Italian restaurant.

Joe: eating the same spaghetti strand…

Jade looked around curiously as she fingered

Scarlet: Heh heh…

the red and white checkered tablecloth. Sandy unfolded her napkin and carefully placed it on her lap.
"This is one of my favorite restaurants. Have you ever tried Italian?" Sandy asked.
Jade shook her head.

Joe: (Jade) Well once, but she was a feisty one. She could make good pesto, though.

"Never."
"Well, you'll love it here. It's not all real Italian. But they invent some wonderful dishes."
Just then the waiter arrived and handed them their menus. He was an officious dog of medium height that spoke with a fake Italian accent.

Joe: Where are they, Disneyland?

"Good evening, ladies. What will you be having tonight?"

Scarlet: Hopefully a massive stroke…

Sandy glanced at the menu.
"I don't drink so...I'll have a Sprite!

Joe: It’s readily available here in the 1930’s!

What are having Jade?"

Scarlet: What are having? >_< I having a seizure over this grammar…

Jade was studying the menu intently.
"Mmm...what is this? Champagne?"

Joe: A stranger is buying her dinner, and so she orders something that expensive? No, she’s not impolite or anything.

Sandy's eyes widened.
"Which one?" Asked the waiter.
"Umm...how about...bubbling floral cup?"
"Excellent choice! This is our house specialty! Our head chef invented it himself."

Scarlet: And some other "special ingredients" that Wildcat added…

Jade smiled proudly as he walked away.

Joe: (Jade as Ralph Wiggum) I can read from a menu! I’m special!

Sandy cleared her throat and looked at the menu.
"I think I'll have some spaghetti and the Caesar salad."
"I'll follow you....although the spicy meatballs sound good...I'll get that instead of a salad."

Scarlet: (as whomever’s speaking) Of course, spicy meatballs give me such terrible indigestion that I’ll be belching and hiccuping all night. Oh well, you only live once…

Sandy waited until the waiter had brought all of her food before she started, wanting to have salad with her main course; Jade amiably waited with her. When it was all brought Sandy started earnestly.

Scarlet: (Baloo) I take eating very seriously!

Jade, however, uncertainly picked up a spoon and tried to use it to pick up her spaghetti, only to have it slide off.

Scarlet: Not the brightest crayon in the box, are we?

Sandy choked back a laugh and asked no questions.
"No, Jade. Like this-"

Joe: (Sandy) What, did you just get out of the retard house or something?

She demonstrated how to stick your fork into the spaghetti

Scarlet: I was just about to say that!

and twirl it until it was a big lump.

Scarlet: Like this author!

Jade imitated her perfectly and devoured the delicious morsel with a slurp that sent a dot of spaghetti sauce flying on her nose.

Scarlet: Eew…

Jade wiped it off of her nose and laughed, delighted. "Spaghetti is delicious-and fun."

Scarlet: I’d like to say something that starts and ends with the same letters…

She took a sip from her glass and closed her eyes with a smile.
"Sandy, you have to try this. It's wonderful!"
"Well...maybe just a little."
Jade poured her a glass.
Sandy looked at the semi-transparent pink liquid dubiously.
"It doesn't look like champagne..."

Scarlet: (Jade) Well, it’s really dishwashing liquid, but it tastes about the same and both are full of bubbles…

"Try it! It's wonderful!" Jade repeated.
Sandy laughed after she'd taken a sip. "It's bubbly!" She took another sip. "And good. You know this is the first drink I've ever had?"

Joe: (Sandy) I just decided to fold under pressure because I’m desperate for approval. You know.

Jade furrowed her brow. "What do you mean your first drink? You just had Sprite."

Scarlet: Definitely a reject from the retard farm…

Sandy laughed. "I mean my first drink with alcohol. That's something that...that...makes you do crazy things. But if you don't drink too much and don't drink on an empty stomach, it can be ok on occasion."
"I see. Would you like a meatball?-Oops!"

Joe: Wait, is meatball slang for something? Uh, nevermind.

As Jade handed her the tray it bumped into her Sprite glass, causing it to spill all over the table.
"Oh! I'm sorry! I'm so clumsy!" Jade said, flustered.

Scarlet: My, but that champagne is kicking in quickly…

Immediately she was up dousing at the mess with napkins.
"No, it's all right Jade. I can just get another." She turned in her chair to look for a waiter, but there weren't any out at the moment.

Scarlet: I was going to say they were all back in the kitchen covering each other in salad dressing and having a huge orgy, but your idea is more plausible. ;-)

When she turned back, Jade had a downcast look on her face.
"Oh! Don't look like that Jade! It was just an accident! Here, you wanted me to try a meatball?"
In her haste to cheer, which was so part of her nature, Sandy popped two meatballs in her mouth, one after the other, which she soon lived to regret.

Joe: Because an assassin saw her and mistook her for the man with mumps he’d been sent to kill.

She fanned her mouth desperately until she remembered her champagne. She downed it in one gulp.
"More!"
Jade quickly poured her another glass. She swallowed three more glasses before she found relief.

Joe: At their table? She couldn’t have gone to the ladies room??

"What do they put in that stuff?" Sandy wiped away a tear with the corner of her napkin.

Scarlet: Pot.

"I'm sorry, it's my fault."
"No, I shouldn't have eaten them so fast."
Sandy hiccuped and held a hand to her head.

Scarlet: Her lobotomy scar still hadn’t completely healed yet.

"Ohh, maybe I shouldn't have drunk that so fast either."
"Maybe you should eat something. Didn't you say that was supposed to help?"
"Maybe you're right-hic!"

Joe: (Jade) I’m not a hick, you’re a hick!

They were silent as they began eating again. Finally, Jade spoke.
"So, how long have you been working at the museum?"
"A few months now. They say I'm the best guide they've ever had-hic!" She giggled.
Jade talked around a mouthful of roll.

Scarlet: Such manners! Tsk.

"You are very helpful. My favorite part was the Jewel of the Tiger."
Sandy swayed dangerously and then steadied herself.
"Mmmhmmm....s'too bad it's only there for a day." Sandy giggled again, this time loud enough to draw a few stares.
Jade didn't seem to notice.
"Y'know...it must take an excellent security system to protect something like that."
Sandy bobbed her head in an exaggerated nod.
"Everyone-hic!-everyone would love to get their hands on it."

Scarlet: LOL! We’re definitely on the same wavelength tonight…

She burst into another fit of giggles that suddenly turned to tears. She laid her head on the table and sobbed bitterly; heedless of the plate of spaghetti she was lying in.
"Oh Lord, I'm drunk-hic!"

Scarlet: She’s a cheap drunk, though… 0_o

Jade walked over to her side of the table and placed her hand on Sandy's shoulder.
"Maybe we should go."
Jade sat her up and cleaned the spaghetti off of her dress as best she could with a napkin.
Sandy looked at her with watery blue eyes and spaghetti stained face.
"Do I look very bad?"

Scarlet: Let me count the ways…

"Oh no, you don't look bad at all." She said softly as she wiped spaghetti from Sandy's bill.
Jade ignored the many stares they got as she walked Sandy to the cash register. Jade paid the bill

Scarlet: Ooh, two types of bills in the same paragraph. Wooo.

and steered Sandy out of the restaurant, passing

Scarlet: --gas every time he walked.

their waiter as they did.

Joe: I thought Sandy offered to pay. What a mensch.

He sniffed when they were gone.
"Hmph! Don't drink indeed!"

Outside, Jade hailed a

Scarlet: --Klingon warbird

cab and they were soon on their way. Sandy leaned her head back and closed her eyes.
"Ug, I'm sorry Jade. It wasn't supposed to be like this."
"Don't worry about it. It could have happened to anybody. At least you can say you've gotten drunk once."
Sandy smiled.

Joe: Yeah, cause that’s a surprise.

Jade smiled back. "Now about that jewel-"

The taxi stopped at a red light, turned and was gone.

Disclaimer: Tale Spin, Don Karnage, the Iron Vulture and all of his jolly crew are all

Scarlet: LOL! And are not in this fic. Well, we all know DK was, but he wasn’t really mentioned by name, so…nyah.

copyrighted by Disney and are used without permission.

Scarlet: (author) So there! Mwahahahaaa!

Jade Sun, Sandy, Riu, and the Queen are copyrighted by Sabrina Mitchell. No money is made from this story.