Jade entered her darkened room and
Scarlet: --began developing photographs!
leaned against the door wearily. She had played her role flawlessly and her job was well on its way to being completed
Scarlet: --in her pants!
…so why did she feel so guilty?
She frowned.
Sandy had been a friend to her, a stranger in a strange land.
Scarlet: How unoriginally Robert Heinlein of you.
Joe: Although if she ends up dying the same way as Michael Valentine Smith, I won’t be that disappointed.
And she had repaid her by getting her drunk.
She smiled.
She was funny when she was drunk though…
Scarlet: Not really…
she stood and turned on the lights.
Time to go.
Joe: Ew. Use the bathroom, you freak!
The small white rabbit stepped
Scarlet: --up to Alice, telling her she was late for a very important date.
hesitantly into the room of the dinosaur exhibit. It was his least favorite out of all of the exhibits in the museum. The stark white bones of the T-Rex seemed to grin at him evilly, hungrily.
Scarlet: Is this Jurassic Park? Please? Can a Velociraptor kill me now? Please please please?
He shuddered.
Remembering his purpose, he mustered his courage
Scarlet: The cowardly dog?
Joe: Yes. By pouring mustard on him from the hotdog stand. See, it all makes sense!
and stepped fully into the room; his flashlight cutting through the darkness like a knife.
Scarlet: There’s a new metaphor for you.
Joe: Maybe it was a Subtle knife. Not a subtle metaphor, though.
"H-hello?" He called timidly as he shined his light in every corner. "I kn-know someone’s in here! I heard you!"
As he was walking backwards looking around him, he inadvertently
Scarlet: --stepped in a huge pile of doggie doo.
bumped into a large skeletal display of some ancient dinosaur.
Scarlet: As opposed to a brand-spanking-new dinosaur.
Joe: No, it was just the lunchlady. He’s being colloquial.
He squeaked in fear as he found himself tangled; he imagined himself being held by some sinister claw. When he finally disentangled himself, he ran a few feet and stopped and turned around when he noticed no one chasing him. His dropped flashlight illuminated the display for him; embarrassed, he picked up his flashlight.
Scarlet: Don’t mind me, I’m still trying to decode all those weird sentence structures…
"That-That wasn’t funny!" He yelled;
Scarlet: With a capital H…what deity is this?
Joe: Hanuman, come to vanquish stupidity from this fic by throwing a mountain on top of it.
his only reply was his mocking echo and then silence.
Joe: It was Jason Voorhies! Come to kill for our amusement and end this scene as well as our misery.
He checked the room over again, anger making him bold.
Joe: But not indented.
When he was certain no one was there, he left muttering angrily to himself.
Scarlet: I’ll leave muttering angrily to him, too.
Joe: Does he work for the post office?
All was silent for a few moments until without warning, a rope dropped from the skylight above.
Scarlet: Batman?
Seconds later, Jade slid smoothly down and landed neatly on the floor.
On silent paws, she made her way to the Jewel of the Tiger.
Scarlet: *still humming "Eye of the Tiger"*
When she reached the doorway that held the jewel
Scarlet: What, it’s like balanced on the doorjamb? 0_o
she was surprised to see light pouring from the room. She ducked beside the door and peaked around the corner.
Scarlet: (as Grammar Faerie) *zaps author for using the wrong spelling of "peek"*
A guard, the small white rabbit, lay bound and gagged on the floor;
Scarlet: I’m gagging, too…because of this fic…
Joe: It was just her Tuesday customer. He must have anticipated her museum trip.
looking on with terror at the scene that played out before him.
Scarlet: It was the play-within-a-play scene from Hamlet! Does Gertrude know? Is Hamlet really insane? Does Polonius really think clouds look like whales? Stay tuned!
Two would-be thieves stood around the jewel. One was a large scruffy looking animal that looked like a mix between a wolf and a dog.
Joe: It’s Balto! He’s so cuuuuuute!
The second was a much neater fox who carried a fearsome sword and dressed in clothes reminiscent of the pirate era.
Scarlet: Anyone I know? :-p
Joe: Batman!
Jade smiled. "What kind of…?"
Joe: moronic person goes around with a sword? (gets out gun and shoots him)
Scarlet: Those who live by the sword get shot instead! ;-)
All thought was immediately suspended as the fox drew his sword and slashed
Scarlet: *gives Joe the evil-eye* Don’t even think about it!
Joe: Heh heh. Heh heh heh. Slash. Heh heh. Heh heh heh.
down on the case in a shower of glass that sent alarm bells ringing.
Joe: No, this doesn’t like, remind me of Mission: Impossible or anything.
Jade groaned inwardly. "Here come the police."
Joe: (sings) Roxaaane…you don’t have to turn off your red light…
The wolf-dog picked up the huge jewel
Scarlet: Yes, that sounds dirty…
Joe: BWA!
and followed the fox from the room. Jade quietly follwed.
Joe: She was from the fourteenth century now?
They went to the back of the museum. The wolf-dog set the jewel in a crate that was standing by the back door. The fox was struggling with the door and yelling and swearing at it in an unknown language.
Joe: Heh. Wimp!
When the wolf dog
Scarlet: Ah, so we’re just giving up on hyphenating, hmm?
went to help him, Jade saw her chance and crept carefully from her hiding place, watching them all the while for any sudden moves. She lifted the lid of the crate and slipped inside.
Scarlet: It’s wench-in-a-box!
Jade had to wrap herself around the jewel to fit.
Scarlet: Kinky…
She felt herself being lifted and then set down at a higher elevation. There was a loud slamming of doors and then
Joe: Karnage and the other guy were having a lovers spat. But what a show!
Scarlet: *sigh* You just couldn’t resist, could you?
the sound of an engine starting up. With a lurch
Scarlet: *makes Frankenstein monster growling noises*
that sent her sliding they started on their way.
After a very long and rough ride
Scarlet: IF you know what we mean…
Joe: You took the disgusting words right out of my mouth.
they finally came to a stop. She felt herself being lifted again and ten set down
Joe: What, is the narrator Jamaican now? Ten wot happen, mon?
on a gently bobbing surface.
Scarlet: A water bed?
Joe: A pool full of Jello?
The sea.
She could smell it, hear it, almost taste it.
Scarlet: Eew.
Was she on a boat?
Scarlet: A slow boat to Badficland.
Joe: No, she was on a zamboni. What else would be on the ocean?
She felt whatever she was on sink lower in the water under a new weight. There was a violent shudder throughout the whole craft as the engine started and they drifted further out, picking up speed as they went.
Scarlet: (Clementine to Wildcat) While you’re at the store, honeybunch, would you pick up some milk, butter and some speed? I think we’re out.
The jewel pressed against her uncomfortably as they unexpectedly gained altitude.
Joe: Now THAT sounds dirty.
Scarlet: LOL! Yep.
Jade twisted and stretched
Joe: (slaps R rating on this fic)
until she could lift the top of the crate enough to peek out.
She saw-nothing.
Scarlet: Oh, we haven’t quit hypenating, we’re just doing it in the wrong places. Gotcha.
She blinked and looked up. Stars quietly winked at her from the velvety black heavens.
Scarlet: As opposed to loudly winking.
Joe: Suddenly, a star exploded and the Nexus rushed out at her, vomiting up energy and blowing her eardrums to smithereens.
She looked down. The sea rushed far beneath her.
She dropped the lid. She was on a plane!
Scarlet: And not a stewardess in sight! Harumph!
There was a distant boom
Scarlet: Not another burping contest…
Joe: It could be a contest for another bodily function. If that makes you feel any better.
Scarlet: LOL! Um, no. As a matter of fact, it wouldn’t. *shudder*
and she was shoved roughly against the side of the crate as something whistled by.
Missiles?
Scarlet: *sings* Give a little whistle!
She was pushed against the other side as two more came and went and then all was silent again. After a very long and very monotonous time,
Scarlet: Like this entire fic…
she drifted off to sleep…
"Be careful with that! It is worth more than all of your mangy hides put together!" Yelled the fox fiercely as two of his crew struggled with the heavy burden.
The fox was distracted from berating them further by another pirate running by covered in what would barely pass for food.
Scarlet: Eew…
He stopped when he noticed the fox.
"Cap’n Karnage! Y-you’re back!"
Joe: And you brought your own cereal with you! And look, Karnageberries! Yum!
The fox struck a heroic pose.
"Yes, you are happy to see my most magnificent self, yes-no?"
Joe: IF you know what he means…
Scarlet: Is that a gun in your pocket or…oh, never mind! :-p
He narrowed his eyes. "Now, why are you tracking food all over my beautiful ship?"
The pirate, a very short fox, stammered. "Well, you see cap’n, it wasn’t my fault-and Gibber started it-"
"Yes, yes, throw it up all ready!"
Scarlet: EEW! *hands pirate a bottle of epicac and runs away*
"There’s a food fight in the mess hall." He said reluctantly.
"A what!" Karnage growled. "I cannot even leave for one night without everything falling into rubble at my feet!"
Scarlet: You just can’t find a good pirate-sitter these days. *sigh*
When the Captain left, the two pirates set the crate down with the arrow on the side of the box pointing down. The pirate who had gone with Karnage,
Scarlet: NOT in the way Joe’s thinking… :-p
Joe: Oh, poo. Ruin all my delusions why don’t you.
Scarlet: It’s my mission in life! ^_^
who was called Dumptruck, took off the lid and reached inside. He was quite surprised to find himself holding the waist of a very pretty fox who was hanging upside down. She looked annoyed.
Scarlet: *coughcoughripoffcoughcough* Does this remind anyone else of Katarina’s debut in my fic? :-p
"Don’t you know the arrow’s supposed to be pointing up?"
"Mggfh um Rgff!" Replied Dumptruck who
Joe: was now speaking in Welsh for some reason…
Scarlet: LOL!
still had tape over his mouth.
"What? I can’t understand you."
Jade reached over and tore the tape off
Scarlet: --her breasts
his mouth.
"Yowch!"
"What is all the tuchis in there!" Karnage yelled.
Scarlet: The WHAT now? 0_o
Joe: As in Stanley Tucci, the actor?
"Cap’n there’s a-"
Joe: whale on the starboard bow, ARRR!
He didn’t get any further because Jade’s foot suddenly found its way into Dumptruck’s mouth.
Scarlet: Kinky…
Using the thrust from the kick she sailed through the air and landed in a crouching position right in front of Karnage who had just entered.
Scarlet: Um, okay… Reminds me of an action scene from The Matrix…
Joe: There is no good fic.
"What is going on here?" He said,
Scarlet: There’s that capital H again. Okay, I love Karnage and all, but he isn’t divine.
drawing his sword.
Before anyone could answer, Jade pushed past Karnage and out of the room.
Scarlet: (Jade/Fargo lady) Gonna barf!
"After her!"
Jade ran faster as she heard the metallic clank of heavy boots hitting the floor.
Scarlet: *sings* These boots were made for walkin’…
Joe: (as tour guide) If you’ll look to your right, you’ll see a scene from the Fifth Element. To your left, idiotic pirates. No flash photography, and remember to keep your arms and hands in the vehicle at all times.
She paused, panting for breath as she came to a point where the hallway diverged.
The sound of voices coming from one of the hallways decided it for her and she took off
Scarlet: --all her clothes
down the other one. She looked for any place she could possibly hide when she noticed a door that was slightly ajar. She ran into the room, closing and locking the door behind her. She looked around herself franticly.
Joe: I see we have a fondness for Middle English. Prey, sirrah, aback me with yon tale posthaste and with due reason, franticly.
Scarlet: *hands Joe a Pop-Tart* [::]
She was in an elegantly decorated office, a world apart from the cold metallic environment just outside the door. Before her stood a sturdy wooden desk with the letter "K" ornately carved on its front.
Scarlet: Oh, sure, of all the doors she could’ve picked, she just HAPPENED to pick the Captain’s office. Riiiiiight.
To its right was a small bookcase and right beside that was a window…A window!
She ran to it and looked out.
Clouds tinted orange and pink by the
Scarlet: --acid rain
morning sun and far, far below the golden sea whirled and waved.
She was still in the sky! But how could that be…?
Scarlet: It’s called flying, hon.
Joe: Derrr, what’s a plane? Der.
The sound of someone banging
Joe: Well hey, it’s not like they can just wait until they land all the time, you know.
Scarlet: LOL! How did I miss that one?
on the door threw her into action. She looked around franticly for
Scarlet: --the spellchecker, to no avail.
someplace, anyplace to hide when she spied an air vent in the ceiling above the desk. Quickly she climbed onto the desk
Scarlet: -whipped off her shirt and started doing an exotic dance.
Joe: I’m not like, getting P&L déjà vu or anything…
and fumbled with the door that held it closed. Outside, the banging grew more persistent.
Scarlet: Heh…
Finally! She got it open and crawled inside. She pulled it shut behind her just as Karnage and a few of his crew broke through the door.
"Come out, come out wherever you are, little one." Karnage called sweetly as he motioned for the other two to spread out. "We won’t hurt you."
Jade bit her lip and backed away from the air vent opening. She suddenly found herself on the floor amid a pile of rubble. She looked up at the hole in the ceiling and groaned.
In an instant she was in the strong arms of Dumptruck
Scarlet: First of all…eew. Second…I bet that’s the first time Dumptruck’s had a woman in his arms. And NOT for the reason Joe’s thinking! :-p
Joe: **cries as all his theories fly out the window and into the pink acid rain**
Scarlet: There, there. [::]
with the fox captain’s sword tickling her throat.
"Ah, so we find you at last, little one! You have caused me a lot of trouble." He said gesturing to the broken door and the hole in the ceiling. "Who are you?"
Joe: (Jade) I am Batman.
Scarlet: LOL
Jade raised her chin slightly to avoid the blade, but kept her eyes on the fox.
Scarlet: (Jade) Derr…you handsome!
"A thief." She said simply. "And who are you?"
Scarlet: Oh, so she’s divine, too. Nice.
"I am the great pirate Don Karnage!" He removed his
Scarlet: --pants
sword from her throat as he flourished it in the air. "You know of me, yes-no?"
"No."
"Then you know nothing! But you will learn."
Scarlet: (Karnage) I have many things I can teach a woman… Rrr…
Joe: Too bad English isn’t one of them.
He added sinisterly as he pressed the sword a little closer to her throat. Jade squirmed uncomfortably.
"Now, thief. Your name."
"Jade Sun."
Scarlet: (as villagers in DuckTales premiere miniseries) No Jade Sun! No Jade Sun!
Karnage took his sword away from her throat and turned his back to her.
"All right, little girl, tell me why you were sneaking into my ship."
Jade’s black eyes went dark with anger.
Joe: Like Willow’s? If she raises a church of evil to kill all of mankind, I am so out of here.
She almost pouted.
"I am not a little girl."
Scarlet: (Jade, lifting up shirt) See!
"What?"
She frowned; her accent getting thicker the angrier she got. "I am not child."
Karnage chuckled. "You cannot be having more than fifteen or sixteen years."
"I am not a child." She repeated darkly.
Scarlet: (Jade) I’ve got my period right now, okay?
"How many years are you having?"
"Twenty-three."
Karnage looked her over skeptically. He decided to humor her.
"All right Jade-person who is not a little girl, you were trying to steal my jewel?"
"It isn’t your jewel."
"Quite the canary, my flower."
Scarlet: What the--? Oh, contrary. Gotcha. Whatever.
He said with a smug smile as he smoothly returned his sword into its scabbard. "It is my jewel. And I cannot have everyone sneaking onto the Iron Vulture and trying to rob me blind. You will be placed into the dungeon
Scarlet: --with the dragons…
until I can think of an atirable punishment."
Karnage led the way and Dumptruck followed, still carrying the scowling Jade.
"Iron vulture?" She asked after a while of monotonous
Scarlet: --fanfic
walking.
"What you are on right now."
"What is it?"
Joe: (Cat from Red Dwarf) What IS it?
"An airship." He answered irritably.
Jade lapsed into thoughtful silence and they continued on until they reached a sturdy looking
Scarlet: --guy in a muscle shirt.
door.
"Here is your cell." He said gallantly as he unlocked the door with a flourish.
Dumptruck set her down gently in the middle of the cell and she sat with her legs crossed and pouted.
Scarlet: Very mature.
"Enjoy," Karnage said with a smile.
The door closed and Jade was left to the gloominess of her cell.
Scarlet: Aww, but I like being locked up in a dungeon!
Joe: (falls asleep all curled up and comfy while Jade rots)