"Awww, can’t we go and steal something?" Mad Dog complained, only to get a viscous backhanded slap across his face.

"Ediot." Karnage bellowed

Scarlet: Doesn’t bellowing deserve an exclamation point?
Joe: And you need another "e" to make "Eediot", there.
Scarlet: Yeah! Otherwise, it’s "ed…iot." Like Mr. Ed! o_0

"how many times do I have to tell you, we wait for the signal from my young apprentice?"

Scarlet: Every time I hear that word I think of the Fantasia sequence with the Evil Mouse. :-p
Starflash: (axing charmed broom) Huh?
Joe: Whoa! Like, psychicsville!
Scarlet: I knew I shouldn’t have taken this time-share cranium, but the guys on the Mothership told me it’d be cheaper… *sigh*

"How many times to you have to tell me. what?"

Joe: Yes, and they’re all "alternates"! HA HA HA!! It’s funny because the word alternate can be used to describe both that and, oh you get the idea…

Mad Dog scratched his head. Karnage went a deep purple colour.

Starflash: His trachea is blocked! (Runs up to Karnage to perform the Heimlich)
(Karnage) But I’m not-- (being squeezed too tightly to finish)
Joe: (Karnage, delirious and singing) I love you…you love me…
Scarlet: o_O LOL!

"Get out of here and do…..things that you do." he yelled, before slumping into

Scarlet: --my lap. J

his chair on the bridge. "If only they were all as smart and loyal

Starflash: (Karnage) …and as sweet and adorable…

as that boy."

Joe: Did you just compliment Kit?? (blinks)

he thought.

When Carl

Scarlet: --Sagan?
Joe: --Marx?

said there was a lot of cargo to load, he was not understating. Kit stared at the pile

Joe: this fic?

and wished

Starflash: --he had a shovel.

he could find an easier way to enter the city. Not being able to come

Scarlet: I wasn’t thinking of anyone in particular, actually, but… *throws dead fish at Joe anyway*

up with anything, he rolled up his sleeves and picked up a box. It was heavy, not too heavy for him to carry, but too many would be tough. Carl picked

Scarlet: --his nose. Yuck. Maybe Kit didn’t want a ride from him, after all…

up two and walked towards, what Kit assumed was his plane. On arriving Carl placed the boxes on the tarmac, and opened the door to the hold.

Joe: Oh my, no.

He placed the boxes he was carrying just inside the door. Turning to see Kit, looking ill at ease with his box,

Starflash: --which was filled with writhing mealworms…

he grinned.

"Thought you were strong, kid" he said.

"I’m strong enough." Kit quickly retorted.

Scarlet: I don’t know if I’m strong enough to handle this punctuation…
Joe: (sings) Cause I’m strooooong-er than yes-terday, now is nothin’ but a heartache…my loneliness ain’t killin’ me no more…
Starflash: (throttles Joe for quoting Britney Spears lyrics)
Scarlet: Is that hers? Yuck! (also throttles Joe)

"Well, I don’t think carrying too many of those boxes out from the hanger

Joe: The one from the dry cleaners…

to here is going to do you any good, especially to your back." He picked Kit up, box and all and placed him in the hold

Starflash: (Kit, fawning) Gee-willickers, mister! You’re real strong!
Joe: Yet more homoerotic subtext for me to gracefully ignore…yippee.

"When I place the boxes in the door way, you stack them in the plane. Got it?"

"Yeah." Kit nodded.

Scarlet: (Kit) Derr…no, could you repeat that?
Joe: LOL!

This arrangement worked pretty well, and in about half an hour, the plane was fully loaded.

Scarlet: (is also fully loaded)
Joe: (loads a cannon)

"Wow kid, you did well, never saw cargo stacked so well and," he inspected the ropes around them, putting his finger behind one to see how taught it was

Scarlet: I like a well-educated rope.

"well kept in place too. Where did you learn all this?"

Starflash: (Kit) Uhhhh…rope school?
Joe: (Kit) Gosh gee darn, I learned it in the Cub Scouts! (yes, I know how bad a pun that was…)
Scarlet: >_<
Starflash: Ditto…

"I’ve had to work to get a friendly flight before." Kit replied wiping sweat off his forehead with the back of his sleeve.

Starflash:--and accidentally wiped too hard and scrubbed right down to the brain and died. The end.
Scarlet: Well, that’s original…

"Right time to go." Carl said walking to the cockpit. "Coming?" he asked the bear cub, pointing at the co-pilot’s seat.

Starflash: Not on the seat!
Joe: (laughing himself sick)

Kit’s grin, if any wider, would have ripped his face in two.

Scarlet: (Kit) AAAAAUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGHH!!
Joe: He is not Roger Rabbit, Ben.

"There it is Kid. Port Talbot." Carl said to the young cub in the co-pilot’s seat.

"Wow." was the only word for which Kit could come out with.

Scarlet: Kit came out? I told you he was gay in this fic!
Joe: (shakes head, dully)

"It’s the second centre for trade, culture and fortunes, other than Cape Suzette." Carl informed him..

Scarlet: Apparently Carl works for the Port Talbot Chamber of Commerce. :-p

As Kit watched the city get larger, as they flew across the bay, the radio came to life.

Scarlet: It did? Freaky! o_0 Is that because of a spell like in Beauty and the Beast?
Joe: The Brave Little Radio Goes to Cape Suzette…

"You will be boarded and searched in a random cargo manifest check. Land at quay 9."

Starflash: (Carl) Sure thing, talking radio!
Joe: (Kit) Uh, mister, who are you talking to?? (Carl) Shut up and grab an oar! (starts swimming on the dock)

Carl’s eyes widened, he turned to his passenger. "Listen kid, I don’t have you down as a passenger. Hell, I’m not

Scarlet: (Carl) --even potty-trained.

licensed to carry them. So here is what you will do. When I land. There is an access panel in the floor of the cockpit. It will lead to the belly of the plane. If you don’t want to get caught and sent to some home for runaways…"

"Hobos." Kit reminded him.

Scarlet: Oh, yes, that’s a vastly preferable term.
Starflash: (chokes on her applesauce laughing)
Joe: (Kit) Actually, we prefer the term "parent-impaired"
Scarlet: LOL! To be really politically-correct, you should say, "parent-or-guardian-impaired!" ;-D

"Hobos , then kid. You will swim for it." He reached into his pocket "Here is a few quid to get your clothes dry."

Scarlet: Since when does money dry clothes? Like Kit’s gonna spend that in a laundromat. *rolls eyes*
Starflash: (Carl) And here’s a scarf so you don’t catch cold, and a candy bar for later.
Joe: (Carl) And a napkin. And your blankie…

He handed Kit the money

Scarlet: (Kit) Wow, I can spend a whole hour with my girlfriend for this much!
Joe: He only gave him a quarter? What a cheapskate…
Scarlet: }-) LOL!

"And stay out of trouble." As he spoke, Carl removed the cap with the friendly flight logo on it and put on a regular pilot’s one.

Starflash: Is there a bounty out for friendly flight pilots?
Joe: Let’s find out…(calls authorities and they surround Carl’s plane with rifles) Yep! :D

"Will do." Kit replied putting the money in a plastic bag, then in a pocket. "And Carl…"

"Yeah kid?"

Scarlet: (Kit) You got something hanging out of your nose. Just thought you might like to know.
Starflash: LOL!

"Thanks."

"Any time kid. Any time."

Joe: (sound effect of Carl picking: squeaky-squeaky noises)

As the plane got lower, Kit entered the belly of the plane, and waited for Carl to land. As he did, Kit

Joe: felt like he was in that Amazing Stories episode where the guy was trapped and the landing gear wouldn’t work…

held on tightly to the supporting struts, as he expected to be thrown around a lot. He was impressed when, the

Scarlet: Bad…comma…usage…can’t….breathe…

landing came to feel how smooth it was. He lay quiet and still for a few moments, listening to the men talking above him. He could hear Carl assure them that all was in order, and that this check was a waste of time.

Starflash: …while he hoped to heaven that they didn’t frisk him…

When he was satisfied that they were in the rear of the plane checking the cargo, Kit crept to the front of the plane, still below the floor. There he found another of the access panels, Carl

Scarlet: More…bad…commas… *passes out*

told him about. Opening one, he slipped into the harbour, by slowly lowering his body into the

Starflash: --propeller.

cool, green water, and with the minimum of sound, he swam away, just over hearing…

"Your plane is clean. We thank you for your co-operation."

Starflash: (Carl) Thank God they didn’t search the glove compartment!
Joe: (Carl’s stash falls out automatically)

Karnage

Scarlet: (hears the name of her querido and wakes up)

was for once happy.

Joe: :b

Things were going well. It had taken longer than he would have liked for the boy to gain entry to the

Scarlet: --N’Sync fan club…
Starflash: --Studio 54…
Joe: --space program…

city, but he had at last. He had phoned

Scarlet: 1-900-4HOTASS…
Joe: And Aunt Louise answered. (Kit) AAAAAAAAH!
Scarlet: O_o LOL!

Karnage on Pirate Island, on the only phone they had there and it was kept in Karnage’s study. The phone line itself was tapped into an undersea wire, which ran nearby.

Scarlet: That’s actually a halfway intelligent idea. *gasp!*

"Excellmondo." Karnage said into the reciver.

Joe: Let’s vote. Britishism or blinding spelling error. You decide!
Scarlet: LOL! My vote goes to blinding spelling error.

"Now we will launch as soon as you have completed part two."

Joe: (Misato) Evangelions 00 and 01 prepare for immediate launch, we have angel confirmation! Repeat, we have…

and hung up.

He then did a little dance around his study.

Scarlet: (sings) Do a lil’ dance…make a lil’ love…get down tonight!

"Oh what a fantastico pirate I yam, I yam" he sang.

Scarlet: o_0 What, is he Popeye now? 0_o
Starflash: Yuck.
Joe: (pictures Karnage dancing around with an accordian and singing sea shanties)
Scarlet: Which would make me Olive Oyl! AAAAAAAAUUUUGGGGH!!!!

Kit hung up the public phone and walked towards the shops. Seeing one which sold

Scarlet: --Beanie Babies
Joe: --porno mags, and he remembered the Captain…
Scarlet: (throws dead salmon at Joe)

linen, he quickly ran past in, snatching a towel

Scarlet: Hmm…he must be planning to leave the planet. (Hitchiker’s Guide to the Galaxy ref)

from the stand outside. No one in the shop saw anything, and they knew nothing of it

Starflash: --for the rest of eternity.

Kit had honed his skills at stealing

Scarlet: --candy from babies…

from shop fronts, when stealing fruit from green grocers,

Starflash: --as opposed to stealing fruit from auto-mechanics…

while he was still living on the streets. Removing the price tag and disposing of it in a litter bin,

Scarlet: Ah, yes. Kit will shoplift, but not litter. I guess he’s got to have *some* principles. after all…
Starflash: Yes, he’s an environmentally conscious thief.

he walked to the nearest launderette. However before entering he paused. Looking at the money Carl had given him, he pocketed it. Hey, if this guy wanted to hand his money out, that was fine. Who said he had to spend it on what it was meant to be spent on? Kit walked past the launderette, drying his hair, face arms and legs with the towel, before disposing of it.

Scarlet: See, just what I said earlier. J
Joe: Gasp! Because he’d be soooo suspicious if he’d just gone for a swim or something. Do they have really bad fashion police in Port Talbot?

He lay in the sun on a pier. It was going to be a hot day, and Kit used the sun to dry his clothes. It was cheaper than Carl had thought. Kit’s pirate instincts had taken over on the money. He had also learned this trick when living on the streets.

Scarlet: Oh, yes, so many other homeless people waste what little money they have on dryers in the laundromat. Kit’s a genius. :-p
Joe: (Kit) Why was I so hungry back then…duuuh…(tosses coins mindlessly in a fountain)

However, the large amount of money Karnage had given him, Kit knew better than try to steal.

Scarlet: Didn’t he just steal a towel?

It was needed for the mission, and as is the rule of capitalism "You have to spend money, to make money" or in his case "You have to spend money, to steal money", either way Kit walked away with a

Joe: massive migraine if he’s anything like me…

profit.

He continued to lay there, eyes closed, like he hadn’t a worry in the world.

Starflash: Suddenly, a shot rang out!
Joe: in a Memphis sky. Free at last! (U2 ref)

It was like being a free spirited hobo again,

Starflash: Kit was a street urchin, not a hobo! Hobo makes him sound like he should have a beard and jump trains.
Scarlet: (having that mental picture) >_<
Joe: (pictures Kit dressed as the scarecrow in hobo clothes dancing in the Wiz) Ease on down, ease on down the ro-ooad!…

only this time he had an objective, to serve his captain. So, he corrected himself, he was not really a free spirit.

Scarlet: Ya, Kit, you’re totally wrong, so shut up.
Ted: Hey!!!

Now he had purpose. He sat and thought about what he had just concluded, and decided it didn’t make any sense,

Joe: This fic? I so agree…

so he ignored it, and let his mind go blank.

Scarlet: Sounds like a good way to deal with this fic… (lets her mind go blank, too)
Joe: Well they say to write what you know…(rolls eyes innocently)

After about an hour, Kit decided it was time to make his move

Starflash: --and commenced break-dancing.
Scarlet: O_O AAAAUUUUGGGH!
Joe: (plays "Disco Inferno" as Kit jumps onto the floor in a powder blue suit)
Scarlet: O_O again at *that* mental picture…

Getting up, he dusted himself down with his hands and began walking along the

Starflash: --red-light district

water front towards the passenger entrance of "Aptidon Airways."

Joe: What is that, a Flintstones ref??:b

"Yes?" said the bored female cheetah behind the desk.

Joe: Ah, a character like me. I actually empathize with her…
Starflash: Tara?

"One child return to Cape Suzette, please." Kit asked. He had rehearsed this speech with Karnage many times.

Joe: (Kit as guy from Airplane!) What kind of plane is it? (gay guy) Oh it’s a big pretty white plane with red stripes, curtains in the windows, and wheels. It looks like a big Tylenol!

The money given to him earlier was for

Scarlet: --whores, but he would instead spent it on--

this ticket. Everything was being done to make Kit seem like every other child passenger the airline had ever carried.

Joe: (Kit) I am! I’m a dangerous pirate who’s killed people! Really! (stewardess laughs daintily) Oh, aren’t you the cutest thing, hon…

"Gate three, they are boarding now." The cheetah informed him, before blowing

Joe: terrorists away with her semi-automatic…

a bubble with her gum.

Starflash: --and getting it stuck in her hair.

Kit walked towards the gates, wondering why Karnage

Scarlet: --had that whipped cream in his closet… }-)
Joe: No, he’s heard enough noises from Maddog’s room to know what it’s for…;D
Scarlet: (beats Joe with a dead trout)
Starflash: (searches for more sea-food to hit Joe with)

wanted this flight of all the ones here to be robbed. He had this flight in mind for a reason. If only he knew why. Still he felt that all answers would be given in due course.

Joe: Not questioning authority. [sarcasm/]Yeah, that’s Kit all right…[/sarcasm]

The Iron Vulture hovered in position near the flight path of the passenger plane Kit was on. The crew were getting excited

Scarlet: Eew.
Starflash: (turns hose on pirates)
Joe: (dumps live crabs on them)
Scarlet: I think most of them already have crabs. :-p

, it had been a long time since they held up a whole passenger plane.

Pirates: Wheeeee!

The flight had been in the air for about twenty minutes, and by Kit’s calculations, he should be near the Iron Vulture by now. Time to put the next phase into action.

"Can I go and see the cockpit?" Kit asked the stewardess

Scarlet: (stewardess) Why do you want to see chickens?
Starflash: Huh huh…you said…

, in the best *I’m a sweet little boy and it would really make my day if you would say yes* voice.

Starflash: (Kit) You are now hypnotized by my cuteness.
Joe: (Kit) I’m just the bestest westest widdle cutie in the whole wide wowld…(bats eyelashes) Ugh. Kit’s turned into one of the little lost bunnies!
Starflash: Look! A school bus full of sour-faced school children!

"Sure you can. Just don’t touch anything, sweetie." the stewardess said and

Joe: made a gesture towards her ass.
Scarlet: LOL! You *are* on a roll today, mi amigo!

led him to the cockpit.

"There they are" Mad Dog yelled to Karnage, who happened to be standing right behind him, now with a bad headache.

Scarlet: LOL!

In the cockpit, Kit put a hand up

Scarlet: --the stewardess’ skirt…
Starflash: Our little Kit is growing up!

his jumper and undid the pistol. Pointing it in the face of the pilot, he said calmly "Fly into the beak and land." While pointing at the Iron Vulture.

Starflash: (Kit) No, THAT beak!
Joe: LOL!

"They’ve changed course. He’s done it." Karnage was ecstatic. "My little protégé has grown up so fast." and wiped a tear from his eye.

Scarlet: LOL!
Ted: *sniffle*
Scarlet: (hands Ted a tissue)
Joe: This scene brought to you from the giant land of NOOOOOT!
Scarlet: Well, it does share a border with Benland…

The plane landed in the main hanger of the Iron Vulture, and waited for its fate. Kit, still holding the crew captive,

Joe: with a speech about protecting the endangered macaws…

looked out of a side window to see armed pirates surround the plane. A grin grew across his face. Karnage was walking towards the plane. He had done it. He had made his captain proud.

Karnage opened the door of the plane and stepped inside.

Joe: and kissed a wall on the inside of the plane for like a couple minutes…(he was still on Ecstacy…)
Scarlet: o_0

"Hello victim type people. It is me, the great Don Karnage. No don’t all faint of terror at once."

Scarlet: J
Starflash: J
Joe: (busy vomiting)

He looked around, rather disappointed that no-one did faint

Starflash: (happily obliges)
Scarlet: (ditto)

"I have come to take all your valuable nicky nacks. So please have them ready to hand……" He didn’t get very much further. Two large dogs jumped out of their seats and pined him to the ground,

Joe: Is that a Deliverance ref? As in pine tree? Huh? Huh??
Scarlet: (Monty Python guy) Is he pining for the fjords?

one held a pistol to Karnage’s head.

Scarlet: Nooooo!

"Don Karnage," the one with the pistol said "You under arrest for piracy on the high skies. Move and I will kill you."

Joe: Yaaaaaaaay! :D
Scarlet: And I’ll kill *you*, you spoothead!
Starflash: (legions of fan-femmes trample over dogs for laying a hand on Karnage)

Kit watched the scene with horror. His captain was about to be arrested.

Joe: And he was apparently hypnotized…tsk, tsk, tsk…

What would happen to him? Go back to the orphanage? Go to gaol?

Scarlet: Gotta love that British English…

He had to do something. Anything. He raised the pistol, pointed it at the chest of the dog with the gun and

Joe: sang "I shot the sheriff"…

fired

Scarlet: --the scriptwriters.

two shots.

Joe: **coughcoughthiswouldneverhappenthisisapileofcrapcoughcough**

Not taking the correct firing stance though, he recoiled, and fell on his back, the gun, slipped from his fingers and went skimming across the floor, where the pilot picked it up.

"You were right Karnage. He would kill to save you."

Joe: Excuse me, but HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! And ha!

He said.

Scarlet: With a capital H? Where did that divinity come from?

"Ha. You own me

Scarlet: No, *I* own him. }-)

100 bucks!"

Scarlet: Oh, he meant *owe*. Never mind.

Karnage laughed getting up from the floor.

Joe: Surprise! You’re on Candid Pirates! (wacky soundtrack music plays)
Scarlet: ROTFLMAO!!!!!!!

The whole plane burst

Scarlet: --into flames!

out laughing at the expression on Kit’s face.

Starflash: (shrugs, then points and laughs at Kit)
Joe: (goes temporarily insane and kills everyone on board plane with plasma cannon)

Kit now was very confused. What was going on? The pilot leant forward and emptied the pistol, showing Kit the blank bullets inside.

Starflash: Is that supposed to make him feel better? Remember what happened to Brandon Lee…
Joe: Um, ya. But that’s like saying we expect logic from a Benfic…

"Karnage bet you would use force to save his life,

Joe: Oh, like he could use the force…he could barely wear the Darth outfit without falling over.

so he put this whole plan into action to test you."

"And you pasted it.

Scarlet: Well, most of the crew *does* eat paste…

Isn’t that wonderful?" Karnage laughed.

Starflash: Kit screamed in rage, then used his telepathic powers to destroy them all. The end.
Scarlet: (golf clap)
Joe: You do like me!…*sniff*

"What about the riches?" Mad Dog asked. He was more confused than Kit, but he was always slow.

Scarlet: Well…well…yeah.
Joe: Then Maddog spontaneously combusted.
All the MiSTers: (cheer wildly)

"There aren’t any. It was a test."

Scarlet: *BEEP* This is a test of the emergency fic-bashing system. Repeat, this is only a test. Had this been a fic by a less talented author we would have MiSTed with much less mercy. This has been a test of the emergency fic-bashing system. We now return you to your regularly-scheduled Benfic. *BEEP*
Joe: ROTFL!

Karnage backhanded him.

Joe: and left a mark. So Kit shot him and killed him for real.:D

"These people are street pirates."

Joe: The Gap Pirates, The Turnpike Pirates, The Casino Pirates, The Subway Pirates…

"Okay, so, do we rob them now?" Mad Dog asked again, raising up his rifle, hopefully.

Soon Mad Dog was tied to a rope and tied to

Starflash: --the bedposts…
Joe: --Dumptruck.
Scarlet: (laughing too hard to bitchslap anyone)

the back of the Iron Vulture while Karnage took his

Scarlet: --medication. (ducks bricks from DK’s direction) Just kidding, querido! ;-)

now proven loyal protégé for a feast,

Joe: Unfortunately, the pirates were members of a secret cult and Kit WAS the feast! Ironic, isn’t it??

with his friend from the street pirates.

THE END.

Scarlet: Ya. Actually, as Benfics go, that one wasn’t all that horrible. Congratulations, Ben, you have not done a horrible job! J
Starflash: (guzzles some Nyquil)
Joe: Ah, The End! (shoots fic, emptying several rifles one after another, then gets Sigourney Weaver’s gun from Aliens and empties that out until the fic is left smoldering and smoking and all obliterated) Ahhhhhhh. So much better…
Starflash: (guzzles some Pepto-Bismol)

 

 

Back to Index