Pirate King
Joe: Oooooh. Ominous!
Katarina: I don’t know…kinda sounds like a pirate-themed burger joint…
>Author's note:-
Joe: Hey, look, it’s half a smiley face!
All Talespin characters are (c) Walt Disney Company and are being used without permission. No profit is being made from this fanfic
Joe: Ya gotta love disclaimers. As if we could actually make money from writing fics! I wish….
Scarlet: Ha!
and was written with great respect to the Talespin Team. All other characters are property of the author.
>Author's other note:-
Joe: (starts laughing) You’re happy? Sad? I just can’t tell…
some of you may not like this fic.
Joe: (rubs hands together wickedly) Mwa ha har!
All I can say to you is that I came up with the idea in a REALLY boring lecture about
Joe: toe rot?? The history of cheese?? Funny hats??
Scarlet: The cosine? Economics of third world countries? Belly button lint?
Katarina: The effects of Spam on the atmosphere? Hitler’s preference in luncheon meat?
pine tree plantations.
Joe: As opposed to palm tree plantations, which are just fascinating.
>The morning sun shone down on the city of Cape Suzette,
Joe: as the earth was knocked out of orbit…
(people of C.S.) AAAAUUUGGGHHH! It burns, it burns!!!
brightly as was the norm for the summer period. People were going about their business not knowing what fate had in store for them.
Joe: (people) Hmm hmm hmm hmm hmm…AAH, a bad fic!!!!
Rebbecca Cunningham
Joe: Apparently her name is in slow motion. How fun!
Scarlet: This so-called plot is running in slow motion!
sat behind her desk at Higher for Higher drinking coffee and
Joe: maybe that’ll quicken it up…
K: What? Her bladder? Yes it will…
reading the morning paper. She was determined that nothing would interrupt her before she started working.
Joe: (Baloo comes down the stairs. Becky shoots him) Oh, the humanity!
Gidget: (smacks Joe)
>There were a lot of urgent deliveries to be made today,
Joe: Like that shipment of laxatives to the hospital…
K: EEW.
but she enjoyed these quite times
Joe: Quite WHAT times???!
Katarina: I think he meant "quiet".
Scarlet: Oh, don’t even try to make excuses. :-p
in the morning, it gave her a little time to herself. Molly was sitting with
Joe: a man eating monster that ate her, The End.
Scarlet: Yay!
Katarina: We only wish…
Baloo who was reading the funnies with her.
>"Becky" Rebecca looked up sharply and gave Baloo an evil look.
Katarina: (doing pinky smirk) But was it a Dr. Evil look?
Joe: Uh oh. Those grammar waves don’t look pretty, captain!
Scarlet: Why do you think I turn off that feature in my version of Word?
She hated that name.
Joe: No she doesn’t. It just bugs her when she’s upset!
>"Yes"
>"Turn the radio on and catch some
Katarina: …horribly disfiguring disease?
tunes...
Katarina: (snaps fingers) Damn!
Joe: So we can go to sleep even faster!
you never know it may make you a nicer person" Baloo joked at her.
Joe: (Becky) Okay! (turns the radio on and then throws it at Baloo’s head) Well, guess it didn’t work! Oh well…
>Rebecca had to smile as she reached for the
Joe: shotgun…
radio and a Jazz number
Katarina: (hangs head in her hands) Oh no! Not again!
filled the room.
>"Yeah. Listen to that beat Becky doesn't it make you want to
Joe: buy some commas??
dance?" asked Baloo as he started to get up.
Joe: Not another fic with dancing!!! Noooooooo!!!!
>As if to Rebecca's moan
Joe: (Alicia Silverstone) As IF!
Katarina: Gidg, Rebecca’s moaning.
Gidget: Ah! A B&B fic at last!
Ted: (gags)
to not dance the tune stopped and was replaced by
Joe: some commas. Yay!
static.
>"What the, hey give me back my
Katarina:…Spam!
tune" Baloo yelled at the radio.
Joe: (slumps forward from boredom)
>"Hmmm yes, radios do what you tell them, don't they" laughed Rebecca as a voice came into the room.
Joe: Ten bucks says it’s not an actual person, just the voice on the radio…
Scarlet: Or one of the voices in Becky’s head…
Katarina: As long as it’s not one of the voices in my head…
"We apologise for
Scarlet: the atrocious spelling…
Katarina: Well, actually, I think that it’s just that Ben’s British, you see…
Scarlet: Ah. So he has an excuse. Gotcha. He still has to die, of course, but…
the interruption of
Joe: this fanfic, but we have to fill it with something readable…
our regular broadcast, but an item of extreme importance has arrived at the news desk.
Joe: Oscar Vandersnoot just had a piano fall on him!!
All: Yaaaaaay!!!
At a little past 8:00 this morning the body of the wanted air pirate Don Karnarge
Joe: Arge!!! Is that a new pirate phrase??:D
Katarina: Oh, he is most definitely a wanted pirate, right Scarlet? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.
Scarlet: No argument there… ^drool^
was found washed up on South
Katarina: …Park…
Scarlet: OHMIGOD! YOU KILLED KARNY! YOU BASTARD!
Beach. Early examination shows he was shot at close range in the back of the head
Joe: (starts laughing uncontrollably) I guess we can rule out "happy fic" for today’s scheduled MiST…
Scarlet: WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? AAAAAAAAHHH!!!! THIS WRITER MUST DIE!!!!
Ted: WHAT?!
Katarina: Calmate.
and may have been dead for up to a week."
Scarlet: I can’t even collect on life insurance! What are the kids and I going to do?
Katarina: There, there, sis. It’s just a bad fanfic. Worse than most, but still just a fanfic. Tissue?
>"Alright" yelled Baloo
Joe: Without an exclamation mark…uh huh…By the way, LOL!
Scarlet: All right is two words, not one, you clueless bastard! ARG!
"No more air pirate worries.
Joe: Cause…all the other pirates are dead too?? Huh??
Scarlet: This author is going to have air pirate worries when I get my hands on him…and his neck!
This calls for a Louie's party, no more highjacking,
Katarina: Anyone else remember in Airplane at the airport, when that guy said, "Hi, Jack!" and he was dragged away by security?
no more pirate problems"
>"However" continued the radio
Joe: I feel like I’m in one of those bad Looney Tunes where they’re about to tell us about a killer on the loose escaped from prison…
"attached to his body was a note and I will now read the contents:-
Joe: As long as it isn’t the contents of the corpse….ew…
Scarlet: (sobbing)
Katarina: Um…how could they read it if it’s attached to his body…which has been in the ocean for a week. Must be some very waterproof ink…
Scarlet: (too busy sobbing to be logical)
>"You may now think that your troubles are over, but they have only just begun.
Joe: (in cliché movie voice) Trouble is just beginning…
To prove this point something will happen at 9:15 1st July 1943 in or around Cape Suzette".
Joe: A parade! Yay! Oh wait, unhappy fic…L
We can only wonder at what this may be. Please be vigilant. Report anything suspicious
Joe: (on phone) Yeah, police?? I saw Wildcat with a bong and…
Scarlet: SSH!
Katarina: Narc!
to the police. We will now return you to our regular broadcast."
>"Mum what did that mean?" brought Rebecca back to reality.
Joe: Is Molly British now??!
Scarlet: Well, you know how Becky falls for guys with British accents…
Katarina: Not to defend the author, but…once again, Ben is British. Although, he should know better.
Scarlet: Oh, jolly good, eh wot?
>"Nothing sweetheart, don't worry" yet why was she so worried?
Joe: Because Ben wants her to be.
>On the bridge of the
Joe: Starship Enterprise!!!
Iron Vulture
Joe: (disappointed) OH…
Katarina: It’s not that much of a let down, though…
the crew were watching the clock closely.
Joe: Literally. They had been watching a cuckoo clock ‘cause there was nothing better to do!
>"Two more minutes captain"
Joe: (Picard) On my mark…now fire photon torpedos!!!
>He nodded to one of his crew "Turn on the radio and lets see how long it is until they will acknowledge our little greeting present"
Joe: Is it one of those little snowglobes with ribbons around it??
>"Aye sir"
Joe: (captain) Soon they will know the pain of cheap Hallmark merchandise…HA HA HA!
>Jane was getting angry now.
Joe: Those stupid monkeys from Tarzan’s tribe wouldn’t ever leave her alone…
Katarina: Ding, ding, ding! New character!
As it was a Saturday she had her son with her as she was trying to do her
Joe: AAH! Head….hurting….run…on…sentence….BAAAAAH!!!!
shopping. However all Daniel [DeFoe] wanted to do was
Joe: ballet. His father wasn’t too happy with that, though.
run around and play.
Joe: in traffic…
>"Daniel stop that now" snapped his mum as she
Joe: took his finger out of his nose…
Scarlet: EEW! But LOL!
Katarina: Icky!
paid for some vegetables.
Katarina: Vegetables…like certain fanfic writers I could name?
>"Can we go to the comic shop on the way to Owen's?"
Scarlet: (Momma from "Throw Momma From the Train") OWEN!!!
he asked knowing full well she will agree
Joe: Tense change! AAAH!!!! It’s like a literary land mine!
as she could keep him calm in the department store with a comic.
Joe: Unfortunately the comic was graphically violent and would warp him for life, but oh well…
Scarlet: (as Daniel) Look at the gazoombas on that chick!
Katarina: (snorting)
>"Ok, sorry this is taking so long, but since your father died I have to work
Katarina: …at the whorehouse…
and fit everything else in as well."
Katarina: The whorehouse comment really changes the meaning of that last sentence, doesn’t it?
Joe: she said as she finished shoplifting…
>"I know mum, but
Joe: apparently they’re all British…Well, at least they’re speaking ENGLISH in this fic!!:D
Scarlet: Si! Gracias! Er…yeah.
Katarina: Duuuh…doesn’t everyone know Spanish? Duh…(drooling)
the latest issue of Captain
Katarina: …Hair! (Sorry, Whose Line Is It Anyway? ref)
Hero is out" he said giving her a pleasing look.
>The keeper of the shop smiled and winked at Daniel
Scarlet: in the lion’s den
then turning to his mother said "I was just like him as a boy"
Joe: Gasp! He’s a clone!!
>"Want him?" joked Jane.
Scarlet: What, does she think the shopkeeper is a pedophile?
Katarina: (smacks Scarlet)
Joe: (covers ears)
>He shook his head "Got two of my own"
Joe: He IS a clone! Wow!!
then looking at Daniel added "Just like him too"
Joe: Oh, oKAY….we get the point!
>As they left the shop Jane thought about Peter,
Joe: Paul, and Mary.
Scarlet: (singing) This fanfic, my friend, is blowin’ without end…
Daniel's father and how he was
Scarlet: gay
killed in a car accident while going to a
Joe: strip club.
meeting.
Joe: Riiiiiiiight…
The company did not give her much in the way of compensation.
Joe: She hated those burger coupons…
Since then she had got a job working for Khan
Scarlet: as a prostitute…
industries and was making money. She missed Peter so much.
>She shook her head at the memory of one of his many jokes he used to tell
Joe: Really dirty ones…
and looked up to see Daniel running up to Jerry's Comics.
>"At leat
Joe: What?? He’s taking a leak??
Scarlet: Eew!
I still have him" she thought.
>When he got there he turned and beckoned to her to catch him up.
Katarina: Catsup?
>"I'm coming" she yelled as he grinned.
Katarina: (insert your own obscene comment here)
Scarlet: We can always count on you to have a sick mind, sis. J
That was the last she time would see him do that.
Joe: Oooh, ominous…
Katarina: Because she was now blind?
>Jane opened her eyes, there was a terrible pain in her head.
Joe: Was she listening to country music??
Scarlet: LOL! (high fives Joe)
Katarina (singing): My rig blew up and I’m sad to say, my dog has silently passed away…
She was lying on her stomach on the pavement.
Katarina: Apparently she’s been disemboweled…
She tried to move only to send shock waves of pain down her back. Blood trickled over her face and down her nose. Gritting her teeth she sat up and gasped her vission was blurred
Joe: Was that a purposeful spelling error?? I can’t even tell!
Scarlet: I don’t even care!
and took her a few seconds until she could see properly.
>"Daniel?" she cried "DANIEL"
>Ignoring the pain
Katarina: …of being in this fic…
she got to her feet and ran through the debris and bodies of the dead and injured. Blood and smoke was every where, alarms were going, people were yelling.
Joe: I think Ben might have seen "Saving Private Ryan" too many times…
>Someone grabbed her
Joe: So she slapped him.
"Its alright love,
Joe: No it isn’t!! There are bodies everywhere!! Yeesh!
are you ok?" She looked at him, then past him and cried again "DANIEL"
>Pushing the stranger away, forgetting him she ran to a small form lying about 10 feet from where she had last seen her son.
Joe: Ya think it’s him??
As she bent down and rolled it over she cried.
Joe: It was just a dead bird, but it was still sad…
Tears were mixing with blood
Katarina:…and sweat?
and landed on the bloodied face of her son. He did not move.
Joe: He didn’t have to sit through this fanfic, though. At least there’s that!
Scarlet: Lucky brat. Can I have his comic?
"Daniel stay with me, don't you leave me now" she whispered into his ear. No repose.
Joe: No repose, eh??
She felt his neck, it was still
Katarina: …red
warm but there was no pulse. "Noooo" and she fell forward crying onto his chest.
>"What was that?" yelled Rebecca
Joe: (Baloo) Oh, sorry…uh, burrito??
Scarlet: Not again!
"Wildcat are you inventing again?"
Joe: Uh, is that what they called it back then???
>Baloo bust
Katarina: What about Baloo’s bust? Was he in drag again?
Gidget: (smacks Kat)
the door in looking panicked
Joe: (Baloo) Quick, I’m out of toilet paper!!!
Scarlet: ROTFLMAO!!!
Katarina: Ew…
"Did you hear that?
Joe: (Becky) Yes…you don’t have to be *proud* of it…
Katarina: All I heard was the voices in my head…
It sounded like it came from near Owen's"
Joe: You know, that exact store in the middle of hundreds of others in the downtown area..
>"Was that a bomb?"
Joe: This fic?? Most coitenly!! Knuck, knuck.
she asked him as they both ran to the radio.
>"We repeat, a large bomb
Katarina: This fic?
has gone off in the centre
Katarina: There’s that British spelling for you again.
Scarlet: Ah, yes. Rather.
of Cape Suzette. Early reports are vague but so far it has been reported that 5 people were killed including a 10 year old boy and several dozen were injured. It was located near Jerry's comic store....."
Joe: (Becky) Ha! You were wrong!! The bomb went off Jerry’s, not Owen’s!! (sticks tongue out)
>"Turn it off, it worked better that I hoped" laughed the new Captain of The Iron Vulture.
Joe: Who is it, Claw from Inspector Gadget?? No wait, Captain Kangaroo!! Or..er…probably not.
>"Aye Captain" and the bridge fell
Joe: apart as Scotty was so fat…
(Scotty) I tell ya, it’s because the bridge is old!!
silent apart from his laughter.
Joe: Yep, it’s Claw alright…
Katarina: I’ll get you next time, Gadget! Next time!
Gidget: You’ll get me? Oh no wait, that was Gadget. Gotcha.
Scarlet: That mouse on Rescue Rangers?
>"My men we will now go and complete the
Joe: (Captain) Destroy the rebel forces!
final parts of my plan. Helm steer towards
Joe: (Captain) THE DEATH STAR!!!
Louies. Mad Dog, Dumptruck with me" and he left the bridge.
Joe: And we still don’t care…
Scarlet: All I now is, if this new captain is responsible for the death of my querida, even in a bad fanfic, he’s going to wish he was never born! Grr!
>>Baloo sat at the bar eating a plate of
Katarina: …food that was sure to give him gas…
cheeseburgers and fries. The club was not
Katarina: …on the steering wheel of the Sea Duck, but he assumed that no one would steal it anyway…
full but still there were a fair number of people present. The band was playing
Scarlet: "Muskrat Love"
away and the atmosphere was relaxed.
Joe: Because everyone was drinking laxatives…
Scarlet: (as Muffy) Have you seen what’s written in the restroom?!
Yet Louie looked worried.
Joe: Well, he does have wooden floors…
He was checking the club as if he was looking for someone.
Joe: Tax collectors…Louie was evading again…
>"Ya know Louie" Baloo began spraying the bar with pieces of fries,
Joe: EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!
Katarina: Icky.
"Now that old Karny is gone, you sure will get alot more trade, with the increase in flights over head."
Katarina: What about heads? Is Louie a headhunter now? Oh no wait…he meant "overhead" as one word. Gotcha.
>"Huh, what yer say pal?"
Joe: Is Louie Jamaican again?? Yah, mahn, what yer say?? Just chill, power to tha Rasta….
Louie asked without looking at him.
Joe: Well if he’s spraying food everywhere, can you blame him??
>"Well the way old Baloo was thinking is that now that the pirate threat is smaller,
Joe: Is Spigot in charge of the pirates now???
Scarlet: I could kill two birds with one stone that way, since I don’t like him, either…
there should be an increase in flights coming your wat"
Joe: Your Angkor Wat?? That’s a temple complex in Asia!! Now my head hurts….
>Louie looked at him as if he was slowly turning purple, with blue spots.
Joe: Huh?? Is Louie hallucinating or is this fic turning into an "I Dream of Jeannie" episode?…
Katarina: Hallucinating? You mean you don’t see it too? Hmm…(rummages in stash)
>"What's up cuz" Baloo asked with a little
Joe: something hanging from his mouth…
concern.
It wasn't like Louie to be like this.
Joe: Jamaican?? Oh, that’s good…
>"Huh, oh nothing to worry about Baloo" he replied with a smile that soon faded.
Joe: Whoa, neat trick! Making body parts disappear!
Scarlet: Hey, Joe, how’s about you help me make an entire body disappear? Like, after I find whoever wrote this piece of drivel?
Katarina: We put the body in the trunk, you see, and drive it up to Lake Superior…
Scarlet: (brightly) Oh, yeah! Just like last time! [theme music from Fargo starts playing]
Joe: Coen brothers, eat your heart out…
"Actually Baloo there is something.
Joe: Well make up your damn *mind*…
Katarina: Mind? Louie? (maniacal laughter)
Take a look at this letter I received yesterday."
>Baloo took a small piece of paper from Louie and looked at it.
Katarina (as Baloo): Hmm…But why does it say "W"?
(as Louie) I said it was a letter! W is a letter!
I am writing to inform you that I will be
Joe: getting out of prison soon and then I’m ALL yours. Signed, Big Inga.
Scarlet: I’m laughing too hard to slap you.
paying you a visit to sell to you some
Joe: weed…
>insurance.
Joe: Hey, I wonder if any slime monsters are involved in this….(short story of mine…never mind…)
I strongly suggest you take it or I will be most displeased.
>K
Scarlet: K? Katarina? You little minx, you!
Katarina: No, I’m a fox! If I were a minx, you’d really have to wonder about Mom J
>"That's it?" asked Baloo puzzled, "But you all ready have insurance don't you?"
>"Yeah, but I once got a letter like this from Karnage and I had to give him 50% of my weeks takings until he got bored with me."
Joe: Yeah, Louie, you’re just SO interesting…
>"But he's dead, you have nothing to worry about."
Joe: Except for fleas…and that anaconda over there…Anaconda! AaAHHH! (makes people dying noises)
Scarlet: (pulls out pom pons to cheer on the anaconda)
>"But the letter is signed "K" that to me means Karnarge"
Joe: Like a Nargewhal??
Scarlet: To me it means bad spelling.
>"But he is dead"
Katarina: …Jim!
Joe: Really?? I wouldn’t have guessed with the repeated use of that sentence…HMM…
Scarlet: (weeps)
>"Maybe, but that bombing in the city....."
>Baloo leaned closer and lowered his voice "Do you think this "K" did it?"
Katarina: It wasn’t me, okay? Will’ll vouch for me. We were…occupied at the time.
Joe: K from Men in Black??? No! He’s a good guy!!!
Scarlet: And that was an awesome movie! J
>"I don't know Baloo, I don't know."
Katarina: Louie? Not knowing something? Tell me something that I don’t know!
Joe: Oooh, ominous…
>The door open
Katarina: Is that a tennis match, or bad spelling?
Joe: LOL!
and in walked a tall brown bear and two dogs.
Joe: He likes to keep his bitches on a short leash.
They looked around and headed towards the bar.
Joe: and walked into it!!! (beats a cymbal)
>"I don't like the look of them" Louie mentioned to Baloo with a nod of his head.
Joe: (Louie) Military fatigues are SO out this year…
>Baloo turned and looked. He felt he knew one of them. No.
Joe: Yes. No, wait he didn’t. Yes. No. Yes…
He turned back to Louie.
>"Their
Katarina: In American or British English, that’s still the wrong spelling.
just new round here. Don't be so paranoid Its that new trade I was telling you about"
Joe: You know, the opium one!!!
>The brown bear got onto a stool next to Baloo and turned to him.
>"Well, let me guess. Baloo right?"
Joe: Okay, we all know it’s coming, because of the title and the fact that Ben told us…it’s Kit. The question IS…WILL HE BE THE PIRATE KING??!!??
Scarlet: And, more importantly, DO WE CARE??!!??
>"Right there kid"
Joe: (guy) It’s just a roach, mister…
Baloo turned as smiled at him. "He can't be much older than 18, probably only just got his licence.
Joe: Was he being licentious?? Heh heh…
That's why we never seen him before. Nice jacket though. Maybe I
Joe: can steal it while he’s not looking!
Scarlet: Not if I get my paws on it first!
have a fan."
Katarina: (fans herself)
he thought to himself.
>"How did you...?" Baloo stopped. He felt in his side, a pistol.
Joe: From Goof Troop again!! (Pistol) Gimme a piggy back ride!…(laughs pointlessly)
>"Hey Louie" the young bear called."How about we talk insurance"
Joe: (TV ad) Have you been harassed by bad fanfics?? Larry H. Barker can get you 1 million dollars!!
Katarina: (pinky smirk)
>"You're K?"
Joe: No… He’s the insurance fairy!
>"Do you want me to wear a name badge?" he snapped back.
Joe: (Louie) That would be lovely! There’s a singles mixer tonight and…
>"Insurance against what, may I ask?"
Joe: Killer bee attacks.
Katarina: Vicious echidnas.
Scarlet: Alien abduction.
Louie replied with narrowed eyes.
Joe: (anime voice) We meet again, Kenshin…
He didn't like this young man. Baloo looked worried though as he studied the young bear for sings
Joe: Sings what??
of what would happen.
Joe: That wasn’t very musical…:b
>As he looked closley at his neighbour
Katarina: British spelling! Ding, ding, ding!
Scarlet: (Mr Rogers) Won’t you be my neighbor?
Joe: As he got drunk on the lawn…
he estimated that he had to be around 18/19,
Joe: Ya think it’s Kit??
Ted: NAAAAAH….
Scarlet: Can’t be! No, sir! Not a chance in hell! Er, no, wait, that’s what I’d say if someone suggested this was a good fanfic.
Katarina: I’ll bet that it’s…Jerry Lewis?
Joe: (as Jerry from Animaniacs) Hey, lady! I’m in a thing…with the bad fanfic…and Kit being crazy, freud lavin!
wearing a brown leather jaket
Joe: I’m just glad he didn’t leave any letters out of the word "shirt"…Now that would be embarrassing!
Scarlet: But it would perfectly describe the quality of this fanfic…
with a wollen collar. On his head was a beret
Katarina: Oh, so Kit’s a wussy. Or Monica Lewinsky?
with a Jolly Roger pinned
Katarina: Heh heh…he said, "pinned". Heh heh…
to the front. Baloo was getting anxious now. He wanted
Joe: that hat for months, but he hadn’t been able to find it anywhere!!!
Scarlet: It would go perfect with his little polka-dotted dress!
to throw him out of the club, but he had a gun in his side. His anger was reaching boiling point.
>Joe: So he died, unable to survive the temperature.
>"The other pilots" he thought "they will over hear and
Joe: smell and taste….
come and help." As he continued to look at his neighbour he saw how calm he was,
Joe: (chimes) It’s a beaut-i-ful day in the neighborhood, a beaut-i-ful day for a neighbor…Would you be mine? Would you be mine? Won’t you be my hostage??!
Katarina: You know, I can see the real Mr. Rogers singing that J
yet he still felt he knew him, but from where?
Joe: (fakes thinking) Hmmmmmmm!
>"Oh I don't know maybe accidents" replied the bear.
>"Like what"
Joe: Like when you shag someone and…uh..never mind…
Scarlet: (Dr Evil) Don’t go there, girlfriend.
Katarina: Girlfriend? Joe’s your girlfriend?
(Scarlet and Joe smack Kat)
>The young man flashed
Joe: (covers eyes)
an evil smile
Katarina: But is he Dr. Evil?
"Glad you asked". He mentioned to the two dogs.
Joe: Kinda a stupid thing to mention when you’re right there!
Both nodded and pulled out machine guns and casually fired at the bar,
Joe: La ta de da ta da, (throws a grenade at this fic casually) Ya ta dee da ta da…
Scarlet: (whips out a flamethrower) Ya te da da ta da…
Katarina: (whistles and casually gets out Fluffy and her sledgehammer)
the band and around the club.
Joe: sandwich…
>When they stopped Louie stood from his shelter behind the bar and looked
Joe: drunk…
at his club. "No way"
Joe: (Bill and Ted) WAY!!
Scarlet: (Bill and Ted) This is a most heinous fanfic, dude!
Katarina: (Keanu Reeves) There’s a most heinous bomb on the bus, dude! This fic!
they came from his lips before he realised it. Louie shock his head as he spoke "And get the hell out of my club"
Joe: When at first you can’t come up with dialogue, have the characters curse!
Ted: Shut the hell up!
He gave the young bear a cold look.
Joe: ‘Cause he had just thrown a water balloon at him…
Katarina: A frozen one.
>He had not moved from his stool at the bar
Joe: Eww. I shouldn’t have mentioned that line about the laxatives…Bad visual! Bad me!! Bad!
as if nothing had happened. Baloo looked he was ready to explode with fury.
Joe: As long as it isn’t French fries flying everywhere…:b
>"Sure?"
>The other pilots started towards the shooters.
Katarina: Shooters? Ya, I suppose after a scene like that, they’d need a drink…
They were not having their favourite club ruined.
Joe: At least not without them getting killed first…
The bear looked around and calmly blew loudly
Scarlet: Sort of like this fic…
on a whistle.
Joe: (Richard Simmons) Let’s move those legs, girls! One, two! One, two!
>Twenty more armed men entered the club.
Joe: This is like John Woo meets Fantasy Island…without the fantasy…
Katarina: I don’t know. I think this is a total fantasy. As in delusion…
Joe: Oh yeah…
The pilots backed off.
>"Take them outside" he ordered them.
Joe: And show them to the nearest fire hydrant…
>"You heard him out" and they fired over their heads. One tried to be a hero and ran for the nearest pirate, a cat and tried to
Joe: make sense out of this ludicrous plot…
grab the gun off him. After a brief struggle the cat pulled back sharply and managed to regain control over his weapon.
Joe: That sounds dirty…
While the piolt
Joe: Piolt??? Isn’t that some sort of Italian dish??
fell back onto the floor with a loud thump.
Joe: And some lovely parsley…
The cat lowered the barrel and shot him in the face. The cat grinned at the the other pilots showing a gold tooth.
Joe: Uh…EW…
>"Anyone else fancy a go?" he asked.
Joe: What the heck is "a go" exactly??
Katarina: In British slang, usually it means a screw. Icky.
>The cat and bear took a quick glance at each other.
Joe: and plucked each other’s eyelashes…
One of the piolts was
Joe: covered with tomato sauce…
sick on the floor.
Joe: Oh, I wouldn’t eat that…
Scarlet: As if all the laxative imagery weren’t enough… Yuk!
>"Sorry Louie.."
>"I'll clean it up later" Louie said looking pale.
Joe: (Louie) Dangit, the food inspector is coming…You shoo, now…
>"Sure no one else wants to be a hero, just for the entertainment factor?" asked the cat.
Joe: Hey, it’s Ral!!! Hi, Ral!!!
No one moved.
Joe: They were all too stoned…
>"Suit yourself"
Katarina: …so they all put on suits.
he shrugged and picked up the body over his shoulder.
>"Make sure they all leave" the bear added.
Joe: their clothes! We must humiliate them so their friends will laugh at them when they get home, ha ha!
Joe: What’s up with the arrowheads??? Or maybe they’re Star Trek insignias…(shrugs)
Scarlet: [Note that those bullets looked like little sideways ST insignias in Word, when we were MiSTing this.]
Katarina: Sideways ones.
>"You disappoint me Louie."
Joe: Well, this should teach you. Don’t have ANY expectations for Louie…
>"Look who are you?" asked Baloo.
Joe: (the guy) I am Batman!
>The young man turned to and faced him while reaching into the pocket of his flight jacket. He pulled something out and threw it towards Baloo.
Joe: (Baloo) No thanks, I don’t have to blow my nose…
>Baloo looked down. It was a blue cap.
Joe: Gasp! Could it be Kit??
Ted: Ya think??
Katarina: Actually I try to avoid that but…yes.
Baloo slowly raised his head. "Kit?, Kit Cloudkicker?"
Scarlet: Excuse my French, but… no shit, Sherlock!
Katarina: Indubitably, Watson.
>"The same" he replied.
Joe: (Kit) That’s my name, don’t wear it out, heh heh…
>"Why you little....
Joe: Calm down, Homer…
I'm going to kill you. You joined the pirates again didn't you?"
Katarina: Nooo! Really?
Joe: (Baloo) You little scamp, you! :D
Baloo was ready to explode.
Joe: So he ran to the bathroom…
Katarina: Must’ve been those burritos again J
>"Yes, after running into you I am glad I did, anyway that was then" smiling and motioning with the pistol added "and this is now"
Joe: Welcome to cliché Action Movie Theater!!!
>"So what happened?"
Joe: Ben’s really been watching a lot of movies…
>Kit shrugged "After you destroyed the lighting gun I was picked up again by one of Karnarge's
Joe: St. Carnard?? What??
Scarlet: [Gosalyn] Keen gear!
men.
Joe: What, a year later?? Did Kit get amnesia?!
I was taken back to the vulture and thrown down before
Joe: I could get a chance to give it some carrion for its hatchlings…
Katarina: I think that Ben would do nicely as carrion…
Karnage.
Katarina: Hey! He spelled it right for once!
Scarlet: (gasps)
He beat me to
Katarina: (as guy from Wayne’s World 2)…death with my own shoes.
within an inch of my life then,
Joe: Ha ha! (rubs it in Ted’s face and chimes) This isn’t pro K&K!!!!
Ted: (sinks down into his seat and covers his eyes and whimpers)
Scarlet: It’s also not pro-Karnage. Hell, he can’t even spell "Karnage" right! ARG!
Karnarge started to teach me
Joe: algebra! It was torture!
Scarlet: AAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!
thing I don't know why he didn't kill me there and then, but what he was teaching me I found out I could use to get my revenge.
Joe: It was all about novelty items…those whoopee cushions’ll getcha every time!
I wanted revenge for the beating and to the people who looked on me as nothing but dirt when I lived on the streets."
Joe: Geez…SOMEbody needs therapy!…
Scarlet: (Freud) Tell me about your mother…
Katarina: (Dr. Evil) She was a 15 year-old Belgian prostitute named Chloe, with webbed feet…
>"But I didn't"
Joe: because he couldn’t track them all down! Duh…
>"True, but you really didn't want me around. I could see that. I was getting in your way.
Joe: Ironic, when you think about Baloo’s weight…
I would however liked to have tried to see what would have happened" and he place his paw on Baloo's shoulder.
>"Don't you touch me." He yelled
Joe: (Baloo) I have a sunburn, you meanie!
"So you thought this was the life for you?" asked Baloo looking at Kit with disgust.
Joe: (Kit) Well, I thought about selling cars, and thought this was more moral…
>"Yeah"
>"Better than living with a loving family?"
Joe: (Kit) Well, ya know, I like to travel…
>"Maybe" he paused and thought "at least I started to fly when I was 13"
Ted: I feel SO TORN right now!!!
Joe: You want to like it, don’t you?? I’m sorry…(hands Ted a pop tart)
Katarina: (rolls eyes)
>"I would have taught you"
Joe: algebra…
(Kit) JUST SHUT UP!!!
>"Not in your precious, what was it called Sea Duck?"
Joe: Yeah, right, he really forgot the name! LOL! By the way, if this takes place in an alternate universe, you should really say that at the beginning…(wink) :D
>"Why didn't you try to escape again?"
Joe: (Kit) They gave me some throw pillows…who can say no to that??!
Katarina: Joe, what is it with you and throw pillows?!
Scarlet: Are you sure we want to know?
Joe: They’re just...very comfortable, that’s all!
>"To what? You? Ha. Besides Karnarge used to chain me to my bunk at night,
Joe: with the Beagle Boys…
Scarlet: Oh, please don’t bring DuckTales into this. That poor show doesn’t need any more tainting.
the rest of the time I was never left alone"
>"So you are now into extortion" asked Louie.
Joe: (Kit, shrugging) Enh…it’s a living…
>"Yeah" turning his gaze to Louie added "And I killed Karnarge,
Joe: ARRRG! Sorry, I just wanted to say that…
Scarlet: DIE, CLOUDKICKER!!!
Ted: GRR!
Scarlet: Sorry, I just wanted to say that…
and planted that bomb.
Katarina: What about this fic?
I'm taking over.
Joe: (sings to tune of Pinky and the Brain theme) They’re Pirates, They’re Pirates and the Kit, Kit, Kit, Kit, Kit…
My revenge on the population will be sweat."
Joe: Ew.. Gross visual, Kit!
and pushing the pistol deeper in to Baloo added "Want to make something of it?"
Katarina: (Jack Nicholson)…PUNK?
Joe: (Baloo) The pistol?? I dunno, maybe a nice pencil holder??
>"I should take you in..." Baloo started
Joe: I think it’s kind of late for that now, Baloo…
>"But you won't I'm in control here not you." yelled Kit,
Joe: (Louie) I’m sorry, could you repeat that??
(Baloo) Not more run-on sentences!
Katarina: No, no, Joe. Not more run-on. Get rid of the e run. It’s moron. Okay?
pointing the gun directly at Baloo's face,
Joe: (with face in hands) This is so horrible!!!
then mentioning to one of the dogs said "Plan B"
Joe: We’re going to become Broadway musical stars!!!
Scarlet: I wouldn’t be surprised…
Katarina (singing): Oh there’s noooo business like show business…
>He walked out of the club.
Joe: singing!
>"So you're going to be an air pirate now are you? Scaring all my customers away" asked Louie.
Joe: DUH.
>Kit turned to him as his troops re-entered carrying
Joe: Tom, and
jerry cans.
>"Oh no, I have something much better planned"
Joe: When the hell is he gonna try and sell some insurance?!
then looking Louie in the eye added "You won't be getting any more customers from now on."
Joe: MWA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!
>Louie retreated backwards away from that glare he had just been given,
Joe: He didn’t like the glare..it wasn’t his color…
it was cold and chilled his very soul.
Joe: Oooh, ominous…
He had a very bad feeling about this.
Joe: said Bob from Reboot…
Katarina: No. He thought he was Han Solo.
Joe: Oh ya.
Gidget: Next time, it’s personal…
>Kit pulled Baloo away from the bar and handed him
Joe: a napkin…he still had food all over him!
to two of his men "Take him outside and keep him around." Turning to the rest
Joe: You mean Professor and Marianne?
Katarina: Tsk, tsk, tsk. No.
"Tie the monkey
Katarina: Ooh! Kinky!
and his troop here in the centre of the club."
Joe: I don’t like where this is going…
>Five minutes later Louie, his band and waiters were tied in a circle.
Joe: They were Wiccans now, and it was a New Age thing…
"You know" began Kit picking up a jerry [curl] can "you should have taken out my life insurance policy" and began pouring petrol
Katarina: Just say "gas", okay?
Scarlet: Now, now, sis, he’s British, remember! (ducks brick)
onto them. The rest of the pirates poured it around the club.
Joe: (sings) Clowns to the left of me, jokers to the right…I’m stuck in the middle of you…
Gidget: That’s Reservoir Dogs! You’re thinking of Pulp Fiction…
Joe: Yeah, but Ben’s thinking of both…
Katarina: (shrugs and starts dancing like Uma Thurman)
>"Please, Kit take all the money, leave me, don't burn my staff"
Joe: Yeah, telling them off is Louie’s job!
Louie tried but all his pleas fell on deaf ears.
Joe: It IS Reservoir Dogs!!!!
>Soon only Kit was left in the doorway. In his pocket was all Louie's money that he had in the club.
>"See you around, Louie" was all he said as he threw a match into the club.
Joe: Oh, wonderful. You get the award for most pointless scene yet…
>Outside Baloo could hear the screams.
Joe: This is so horrible!!
He put his paws over his ears and closed his eyes.
Joe: I know how he feels…
How long was he like that?
Joe: Five minutes. He didn’t have a great sense of time…
He opened them again and saw Kit standing next to him with the fire reflecting in his eyes.
Joe: (Baloo) Ooh, pretty…
His mouth hung open a little and
Scarlet: a big streamer of drool dripped out!
his expression showed one of astonishment. He seemed to Baloo to be in awe of what he had done.
Joe: OOops! Just killed everyone! Well, live and learn…
As he looked at him Baloo saw what a fit, handsome young bear he had grown into.
Joe: That and the fact this fic sucked…
>"Could have done well if he hadn't...." Baloo looked at the fire,
Joe: (Baloo) Wish I had some marshmallows…Hey, Kit, do you have any…Hey, where are you going??!
Scarlet: Hey! These S’mores taste like charred monkeys!
Katarina: LOL! EW!
and closed his eyes again he didn't want to think about that. When he opened them he saw Kit standing in front of him.
>"Night Baloo"
Joe: Oh good. A happy ending.
>Baloo's jaw hurt. He opened his eyes. He was
Joe: at the dentists…
Katarina: No. In a bad fanfic.
sitting in the cockpit of the sea duck. It was dark outside. "He must have hit me hard" thought Baloo as he rubbed his chin. The he realised something. He was still
Joe: at the dentists…
Katarina: No. In a bad fanfic.
outside Louies, or what was left. He ran out of the plane and into the smouldering ruins of he club. Here and there pieces of it still burned, there was a terrible smell of petrol and smoke. It hurt Baloo's eyes and tears streamed down them when he saw something that hurt the deepest part of his soul. There in the middle was the charred remains of his friend.
Joe: EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!
Katarina: (gagging)
>"Cloudkicker I hope you rot in gaol
Joe: Isn’t that the name for ancient France??
Scarlet: No, no, that’s Gaul. Gaol is what Baloo might say instead of jail if he was British. Which, like most the other characters, he is most definitely not.
for this" he thought. Then changed his mind
Joe: (sings) When it’s time to change, you’ve got to rearrange!
"Cloudkicker I will be there when you are shot by a firing squad. Do you hear me?,
Joe: (Kit, wearing earmuffs) NO, WHATJA SAY??!
I may even pull the trigger." he yelled at the top of his voice and fell to the ground crying.
Joe: Man, Baloo’s having a nervous breakdown!
>How long had he laid there?
Katarina: Heh heh. Laid. Heh heh…
He didn't know, no, he didn't care.
Joe: No one does…
Slowly he got to his feet and looked at the grave. It was the least he could have done.
Joe: Uh, no, the least he could’ve done was not dig it. Duh…
He was not a religous person
Joe: No one is..it’s not even a word!
but still, he said a quite
Katarina: Get a spell checker, moron!
Scarlet: Technically, sis, a spell checker wouldn’t have caught that, since "quite" is a word. Catching that error would have involved actual proofreading. (gasp!)
prayer and started to walk back towards the Sea Duck. When he arrived Baloo threw the spade into the hold and climbed into the cockpit. Straight in front of him was Louie's grave. He had buried him just off the beach under a tree, facing the sunrise.
Joe: I wonder if this was inspired by Ben’s tree class… Oh well. I don’t care…
The waiters Baloo had buried else where on the island, 14 people in all. He looked at his watch 11am.
>"Becky won't belive this" he thought.
Joe: No one will. No one does…
Scarlet: Well, you have to admit, of all the excuses he’s had for being late, that’s a dang good one…
>>"Louie" Baloo whispered softly "I will miss you. At least you now know peace."
Joe: And possibly Chris Farley…
>The radio crackled "Baloo if you are not in front of my desk in 30 seconds you will be fired.
Katarina: No, no. It was Louie that was fired!
Scarlet: Ooh, BAD! Bad Katarina, bad!
Joe: Eww.
What are you and Louie up to...." he turned the radio off. Sighing he started the Duck's engines.
>"Better tell her I suppose"
Joe: A little mellow, isn’t he??!
>The flight back to Cape Sueztte was much longer than he thought.
Scarlet: Probably because Cape Sueztte is 600 miles away from Cape Suzette.
"Why was I spared? Why is the Duck still in one piece? Will I be able to cope?"
Joe: Geez, Ben. Take a Valium..
Scarlet: Katarina, have you got one of those in your purse?
Katarina: (rummages) Hey, it’s a drug, isn’t it? Of course! Although, this fic should put anyone to sleep…
He shock that last thought from his brain.
Katarina: What the-- Oh wait, that should be "shook". Makes more sense now.
Scarlet: Although some electroshock therapy couldn’t hurt…
Joe: According to Wildcat or your husband??
"No, I will be okay as I want to see Mr Cloudkicker shot. He took my best friend, he took the club, all because some people hurt him when he was young?" he said out loud.
>"I'll grieve later"
Scarlet: But he won’t spellcheck later.
he added with a nob
Scarlet: (as Negaduck) You knobs!
as he approached the cliffs.