Short, yet sweet
SCARLET: Hmm…I’d say short but unspeakably horrendous…
JOE: Well at least it’s short. I doubt it’ll be the latter given Ben’s prior record.
KATARINA: But probably not short enough to save my appetite…
By
Ben Gingell
Author’s Note:- All Talespin character’s
SCARLET: I’m already twitching from the punctuation. Not a good sign.
JOE: A good sign for this fic would be Detour, but I don’t think we’ll be so lucky as to get one…
are copyright Walt Disney and are being used without permission. No money is being
SCARLET: --paid to the poor MiSTers to compensate for their severe mental trauma.
made from this fic, and is written with
JOE: Probably a hangover.
great respect to the Talespin team. So please don’t sue me as I am a poor student with little or no
SCARLET: --brain cells!
money.
It was early one evening at Higher for Hire. Rebecca Cunningham, the owner of the company, sat behind her desk, writing
SCARLET: --a bad fanfic. No, wait, that’s Ben. Never mind.
an expenses report for the bank. Her daughter , Molly Cunningham, lay on the floor,
SCARLET: --being attacked savagely by rabid gerbils.
JOE: Neat!
KATARINA: There’s something to be said for rabid animals. (stroking Fluffy)
on her stomach, next to the wireless,
JOE: They didn’t have wireless phones back then!
listening to her favourite
JOE: (blinks) Oh, British spelling. Right.
show "Danger Woman". Baloo, the pilot and until a year ago, owner of
JOE: some deodorant.
SCARLET: Well, that’s good to know…
KATARINA: Oh, I doubt that he owned deodorant. Baloo’s not the most sanitary guy, you know.
his own company "Baloo’s Air Service" until it went bust
SCARLET: Grammar like that makes me lapse into seizures.
and was taken over
SCARLET: --by aliens.
, was sitting in his red easy chair, reading
SCARLET: --the letter column in Playboy to see if his fan letter was published.
KATARINA: The letters. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight.
the sports section of a news paper.
The only other person present was a young bear cub,
JOE: Hey, that reminds me. If Ben made himself a character in TS, would his first name be Gentle??
SCARLET: LOL! Or "Has".
KATARINA: Or "Gay". You know, hemorroids?
Kit Cloudkicker, the navigator for the company,
JOE: Okay, already! We know their frikkin jobs!
who was being force to do the dishes,
SCARLET: (Obi Wan voice) Use the force, Kit Cloudwalker!
for the next two weeks, all because of a prank he played on his boss, involving,
JOE: a cargo hold full of stampeding lemmings…
KATARINA: Oh, Joe, you like us! You really do! *sniff*
a balloon, a pin, her standing next to the harbour, Rebecca falling and getting very wet.
SCARLET: 0_o
JOE: Talespin: the Spring Break Chronicles
KATARINA: Heh heh. Wet. Heh heh.
Baloo finished his paper and folded it up.
JOE: and hit Ben over the head with it.
He looked at his boss, then across at her daughter.
JOE: who was decomposing in the corner…
"Hey, Becky" he began.
"What Baloo?" she had just began to stop remarking that she hated the name "Becky" as she knew he would never stop calling her it. She just decided to get used to it.
"Do you ever wish little Molly here could have had an older/younger brother or sister?"
SCARLET: No. And he said it just like that, too. "older-slash-younger brother or sister". :-p
JOE: (as Baloo) You know, maybe we could arrange that…Rrrrrrrow!
Rebecca looked up, and gave Baloo
SCARLET: --a huge bonk over the head with a mallet.
a strange look.
KATARINA: I’m always getting strange looks.
"Hey….She’s got me!!" Kit yelled from the kitchen.
JOE: Is "she" referring to some pod alien?
"I know Li’l Britches, but I mean a real, blood brother or sister"
JOE: Uh..why is he talking to Kit?? I thought he was talking to Rebecca. I’m confused.
SCARLET: Kit was protesting the thought that he didn’t count as a sibling. I guess. I don’t care enough to figure it out.
Rebecca closed the folder on her desk and rubbed her
SCARLET: Er…
eyes.
SCARLET: Phew.
"She did at one time. I had a son, oh, must have been about twelve years ago now. But he died a few months after he was born"
SCARLET: Yeah, and I’m sure Becky would just casually blurt that out.
JOE: (Becky) A little bit afterwards, I was arrested on charges of espionage, and then I escaped and ran off with a fire-eater named Hank. I used him to get to his bank account, and then I knocked him unconscious, leaving his body by the rat-infested riverfront. Oh, but I’m probably boring you…
KATARINA: I thought that only happened to me!
Baloo lent forward, interested in
KATARINA: …looking down Becky’s shirt…
what he was hearing "Why didn’t you say anything before?" he asked already thinking he knew the answer.
SCARLET: I wish I knew how to get Ben to use to proper punctuation.
"It hurt too much. His name was James. James
SCARLET: --Bond.
JOE: Joyce?? From Team Rocket?? My friend James with the mohawk?? James T. Kirk??
Cunningham. My father’s name. He was such a bonny baby,
SCARLET: Okay, so Molly’s a redneck and Rebecca’s Scottish. Got it.
JOE: Donna worry, lass.
he was always smiling, giggling, rarely cried.
JOE: Unlike the readers of this fic…
I gave him everything a mother could.
KATARINA: (Becky) Crack, heroin, you name it.
I was determined to give him the best start in life possible.
JOE: (Becky) So I had him genetically engineered to have perfect height and weight…
I remember, though, he had a huge double scar on his right upper arm" she gestured towards her own arm
KATARINA: Even though she didn’t have a scar there. Ben just had her pointing there because he thinks that we don’t know what an arm is.
"as when he was born, he was slightly deformed, and needed an operation to correct his arm. I still loved him, though, even with that hideous scar"
SCARLET: That’s really big of you, Beckers.
JOE: Mother of the Year, that’s her. 0_o
KATARINA: Maybe "Crack Mom of the Year".
Baloo knew how she felt. He would still love Kit, even if he had a scar, across his face, lost a limb, was burnt or disfigured.
SCARLET: No, no. Burning people was used in your other fic, Ben.
JOE: You’re forgetting "coming back after running away and killing everyone left and right like a maniac", Ben. But that fic idea ended there, I guess. Kit must be slightly "sweeter" in this version.
SCARLET: Er, yeah. Slightly.
"So what happened then, boss lady?"
JOE: (Becky) He had a third nipple so I had to give him away…
Rebecca looked at Molly, who was now listening with interest "When he was four months old, he started to breath funny. I took him to the doctor who told me he had TB. He died a fortnight later."
SCARLET: Redneck, Southern…or British. Although since Ben is, we can sort of excuse that.
She looked up at Baloo. "TB. In a child of four months. They had to incinerate his body, to destroy the bacteria.
JOE: Becky really isn’t that good at making dinner conversation in this fic.
SCARLET: (Becky) I understand his diseased flesh melted off, and—pass the butter, please?
KATARINA: Ug. Sis, that was almost as bad as the "charred monkeys" line.
SCARLET: Sorry.
My son. They incinerated him. My boy….."
SCARLET: Anyone else getting the feeling that Ben is a pyromaniac?
JOE: (looks at Kat nervously)
KATARINA: (grins and gingerly puts away the flame thrower she’d been fingering)
There was an uncomfortable silence in the room after Rebecca finished
KATARINA: --farting
speaking, only for it to be broken by a large crash from the kitchen.
KATARINA: I guess Kit had the same thing for lunch.
"Sorry, dish was wet. I’ll clean it up" came Kit’s voice.
JOE: Yeah, it couldn’t have been he was in shock from hearing Rebecca blurt out something so personal so casually…
Rebecca shook her body and
JOE: had a seizure because this fic was so bad.
came back from her day dream "Anyway" she began opening the folder on her desk again "its in the past"
SCARLET: (twitching) Bad…punctuation! Can’t…breathe!
"So, you waited, what another five, six years until you two tried again?" Baloo asked,
JOE: Man, Baloo’s enthusiastically interested in Becky’s past sex life, isn’t he? Does anyone else find him out of character just a tiny bit?
SCARLET: Out of character? In a Benfic? Are you kidding?
KATARINA: Hey, at least he’s saying something other than, "That’s right!" in this fic!
now very interested in this piece of personal history coming from his boss.
"Huh, on no Baloo, I met Molly’s father a few years later. No" she shook her head "James was conceived in a much more bizarre circumstance."
SCARLET: Bizarre? She was abducted and impregnated by aliens? Call David Duchovny. Although, you know, I think the lack of and misuse of punctuation is even more bizarre, but…
JOE: (searches for the missing punctuation marks over the bleak landscape of this fic)
"Really?" Baloo raised an eyebrow.
JOE: Geez, Baloo…get a life!
"I wasn’t always a stuck up business woman you know Baloo. At one time, I was
SCARLET: (Becky) a real slut!
nearly as go lucky as you are."
JOE: Go lucky. Uh huh…
SCARLET: And she apparently got lucky, too…
Baloo nearly had a heart attack
JOE: but he didn’t. Ben, you shouldn’t taunt us like this…
"You….go lucky?? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"
"Its true. When I was a student studying business at university, I would often go out
JOE: slaying vampires.
for parties until the early hours. Much like you do now. It was at one of these parties, in, uh, Port Talbot, I think.."
"Hey I know that city. Has a nice burger joint near…."
SCARLET: A joint? Can I have one? Wildcat’s still waiting for his supplier to…er, uh…go on.
KATARINA: Go on? Well, I guess Joey, his dealer, was arrested…Oh, that’s not what you meant. Okay.
Rebecca shot him
KATARINA: With a giant "laser"…
a glance, and he went quite "Carry on" he said.
JOE: And then he went "Tally ho! Cheerio!"
"A friend’s twenty first birthday, I think, that I met James’ father" She continued to think "You know, I don’t even know his name…"
SCARLET: Becky, you little tramp!
JOE: My head hurts.L
Baloo nearly had another heart attack
JOE: And he keeps on tickin! Unfortunately.
"You mean you had a one night stand with this guy?"
JOE: ARRRRG!!! This would never happen!!! This is NOT Sex in the City, Ben!!!
Rebecca nodded "We were both a bit drunk"
SCARLET: Being drunk is the only excuse for this punctuation…
"I take my hat of to you Miz Manager.
JOE: (Baloo) And more than that, if you know what I mean! Rrrrrrrrrrrrr!
SCARLET: It’s not like he wears pants, anyway.
I thought you were NOT the kind of person I would ever think would have said that."
SCARLET: Well, she’s not, but this fanfic is wildly out of character, so…
"Anyway, it doesn’t matter" Rebecca sighed.
"No go on" Baloo insisted
JOE: (Baloo) I wanna hear more about you shagging guys! It’s a turn on!
"Can you remember anything about him?"
JOE: (Becky) Well he did this thing with his tongue…
SCARLET: LOL! And I should smack you for thinking of that line before me!
Rebecca thought for a while, fidgeting with her pen
JOE: and stabbed Baloo in the head with it.
"I was in a club, called The Flying Door? Duke? I know it began with a D…"
SCARLET: Dreadful? Drek? Disastrous? Drivel? Dippy? Dead-wrong?
JOE: Dumb as hell?
KATARINA: Duh?
"Dutchman? I know that club, it is a hangout for
KATARINA: (Baloo)…drug dealers and hookers. I went there *all* the time!
pilots."
"Yeah that was it." She thought for a bit more "Yes, he was a pilot. Kept on going on about his plane. Oh what was it called? The Blue something…Oh yes The Blue Ocean. That was it. How he was planning to get a bigger one
JOE: Er…I don’t wanna know…
as soon as he had enough money, and start his own business."
Out of the near heart attacks Baloo had had this evening, the one he nearly had when he heard this was the closest so far to an actual attack.
SCARLET: Baloo should really cut down on the burgers and see a cardiologist.
JOE: Yeah, no kidding.
KATARINA: Did you say…burgers? Does that insinuate…french *twitches* fries? (twitches and rummages for some calming drugs in her purse)
"Uh, remember anything else about him?" Baloo asked a bit more wary.
JOE: (Becky) Well, after the tongue thing he asked if I had any gelatin…
"He was a pilot, much like you Baloo. He was a grey bear, much like you. His name was….was…." she suddenly looked up at her pilot "Baloo"
KATARINA: Golly gee whiz! What a *huge* frickin’ coincidence!!
SCARLET: And this is the first time she’s made the connection? [smacks self on forehead]
JOE: (Becky) Oh, so you’re the SAME Baloo as the one I had a one night stand with all those years ago?! What a small world!!
SCARLET: It’s a very common name. You know…Smith, Jones, Baloo.
Baloo took off his flight cap, took out a photo and handed it to his boss. Rebecca looked at it. It was a photo of Baloo standing in front of a plane. Not the sea duck, but a smaller plane. On the nose were the words "THE BLUE OCEAN" Rebecca put the photo down.
SCARLET: (Rebecca) That’s a really dumb photo! (as herself) Oh, that’s not what he meant by put down? Never mind. J
"Oh Baloo, I can’t believe, no it can’t be, can it?"
SCARLET: In the world of horrendous fanfic, anything can happen…unfortunately.
JOE: Ben’s mind is starting to scare me…0_o
SCARLET: "Starting"?
KATARINA: You weren’t scared by the whole charred monkeys thing? You’re even more warped than I thought! That’s not necessarily a *bad* thing, mind you…
Rebecca had gone a bright red colour and was walking up and down, fanning herself with her hands.
SCARLET: She’s a bit young for hot flashes, don’t you think?
KATARINA: Maybe the whole wearing-a-sweater-and-turtleneck-in-a-tropical- climate thing finally is getting to her.
JOE: Maybe it’s malaria. I hope.
"I guess it could be" Baloo said, leaning forward in his chair.
What followed now was another one of those embarrassing silences.
JOE: I would think the embarrassing part would be blurting out you slept with each other, and not the silences, but okay…
SCARLET: LOL!
Yet again it was broken, by Kit.
KATARINA: What? He broke another dish? That’s coming out of his paycheck, I’ll bet.
"Well, that’s the dishes done" he said walking in, still drying his hands. He looked around at the too adults,
SCARLET: TWO! NOT TOO! AAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGG!!!!!!
who were staring at each other with their mouths open. "Don’t all thank me at once" he said. He walked over to Molly "What’s in with them?"
JOE: Uh…huh? Shouldn’t that be what’s up or what’s wrong? I can think of several things by the way…
he asked gesturing with a thumb at the adults.
SCARLET: [gestures with a different digit]
JOE: [gestures with more than just one hand]
KATARINA: [gestures with both hands and her tongue, making rude noises]
"Oh, Baloo is my Daddy. Of sorts."
JOE: Oh yes, quite. Hip hip. Buck up, wot?
SCARLET: That’s just not cricket.
KATARINA: Krickitt? Where?
She said, totally unaware of what was so important found out this evening.
JOE: (bashes his head against the screen) NO! Ennnnnnh! Wrong! Wrong, Ben!
Kit looked at Baloo, then at Rebecca and raised an eyebrow. They were still staring at each other, mouths open.
JOE: It’s hard to think of dialogue when you write sooooo out of character…
"Kit" Rebecca said "Could you go and show Molly
SCARLET: (Becky) –the inside of the clothes dryer?
how to cook some soup?"
"Uh, sure. Why?"
JOE: Pygmies are coming by later, and we’re serving Molly. Run along, now.
"Because I want some soup, and I think she needs to learn" Rebecca replied staring right into Kit’s eyes.
JOE: Then she just kept staring because he had eyedirt.
"Right. Come on button nose". Molly followed behind him.
"And close the door" Rebecca said as he went past her desk.
When the two children were out of listening range, Rebecca began.
JOE: to snuggle up next to Baloo.
"You, it was you wasn’t it?"
"I think it was"
JOE: I’m nauseous. Thought I’d just share that.
SCARLET: (lends Joe her bottle of Pepto)
KATARINA: (Pops another pill)
"You think??? Is that the best you can do?"
"I know I did about that time and in that club"
SCARLET: Did what? Er, never mind. I think I know. Yuk.
JOE: (Becky) Well, it’s either you or about ten other guys…I was busy that week…
"Who else would have a plane called the blue ocean?"
KATARINA: Although, I don’t think that the name "Blue Ocean" is like copyrighted or anything, so technically, there could be others with a plane by that name, but let’s not logic get to us now, okay?
JOE: (is stressing out) Calm. Calm Bl- Oh no. No. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I can’t even use my mantra in this MiST!!! Damn you, Ben!!!!
KATARINA: (hands Joe a pill) This’ll help, buddy.
"No one"
"Then it was you"
"Most likely"
"Do you want to see a photo of
SCARLET: (Becky) me naked, then?
KATARINA: Oh, like he hasn’t seen the *real* thing already!
GIDGET: Well, duh.
our son, then?"
"If he is ours"
"He is"
Rebecca took out an old book from her desk. IN it
JOE: was some redundant capitalization…
she turned to the third and fourth page. On it were a whole load of
JOE: This whole fic is a load!
SCARLET: (high fives Joe)
baby pictures, all of a child.
KATARINA: Uh, hell-o, aren’t baby pictures usually of children? Duh!
It occurred to Baloo that this child looked much like him.
"Is that my son?" Baloo asked
SCARLET: (Becky) Oh, no, that’s the other secret illegitimate child I had back in my wild days…
KATARINA: (Becky) I had a wild one night stand with Wildcat too, back in my slutty younger days. That’s where *Molly* came from, you know.
SCARLET: (laughing too hard to slap Kat)
JOE: (tries to suffocate himself with his throw pillow so he doesn’t have to take this anymore)
"Yes it is" Rebecca replied, seeing Baloo in a new light.
KATARINA: Because apparently, someone just delivered a new lamp.
"He’s so pretty"
SCARLET: Nyah, pretty boy!
Baloo seemed to be overcome with joy
JOE: I’m overcome by nausea.
"I have a son."
JOE: Uh, no you don’t. Unless you count Wyatt…
"Had a son. He died four months later"
JOE: Lucky him! He didn’t have to read this tripe!
Just then Kit came in carrying a tray of soup.
"Who wants soup?" he asked.
"I do, I do" Molly exclaimed, running between his legs.
SCARLET: Ick.
JOE: She’s probably just crawling, but yeah. Yuck.
Kit fell, because of her, and spilt the soup across his chest.
"Ow" he exclaimed as the soup began to burn him.
SCARLET: Sue Higher for Hire, Kit!
JOE: (Kit’s head starts to turn around in circles)
KATARINA: (Watching Kit’s head spin) Wow! This is some good stuff, man! (goes back into purse for more)
He quickly got up and took off his green coloured sweater.
KATARINA: Ya baby! Take it *all* off! (grins) I haven’t gotten to say that in a couple of MiSTs J
SCARLET: LOL!
"Oh, my God" Rebecca exclaimed.
SCARLET: (Becky) Kit, you’re so buff!
JOE: Uh…burrito.
SCARLET: Hey, incest is about the only thing that could make this fic any more sick and wrong.
KATARINA: Well, that and farm animals…
SCARLET: Oh yeah. But don’t go there. Puh-leeze.
"Don’t worry, it will wash out, and it didn’t hurt that much. What?" Both adults were staring at him.
"Kit, how long have you had
JOE: that tattoo of a skull and crossbones on your arm???!
those scars?" Rebecca asked him.
"What these? All my life" Kit replies looking at the double scar on his right upper arm"
SCARLET: Golly gee frickin’ whiz, do you think he’s their long-lost son?
JOE: Just for the record, and to be perfectly clear on this, NO!
Baloo looked at Kit’s scars, then at the photo, then back at Kit "I think, Li’l Britches I know who your parents are"
JOE: They were…(makes choking sounds…Baloo has another heart attack and dies before he can finish)
"Really who? How did you just find this out? Was this why you wanted me out of the room just now?"
JOE: That and you’re so handy in the kitchen!
Baloo showed Kit the photo "I think I am your daddy, and Becky here is your mummy"
SCARLET: Rebecca’s a preserved ancient Egyptian corpse? And since when does Baloo say "daddy"?
JOE: About as often as he says "Cool!"
KATARINA: That’s right!
Kit gaped at the photo, looking at the scars, then his own.
JOE: I. Can. Hardly. Stand. The. Suspense. No, really! I can’t!
"I’ve seen this picture before. Its me as a baby. The guy who took me to the orphanage had a copy."
"Yes" Rebecca busted in "I gave one to the doctor who said you had TB.
SCARLET: Yeah, I’m always handing out photos to health care professionals.
KATARINA: …although, they’re usually nude pics of herself…
He kept on saying what a pretty baby you were. I guess he pretended you had TB and stole you"
JOE: How conveeeeeeeeenient.
"Well how did you two…..have me?" Kit asked
SCARLET: Well, you see, Kit, when two people…
JOE: Oh, please. Like he already doesn’t know!
"I’ll tell you later" Baloo said as he spread his arms, Kit approached him for a hug "I always knew from the moment I saw you that you were special. Now I know.
JOE: (Baloo) Before you were just some kid I let hang out with me, but now that you’re a BLOOD relative, that changes everything!!
You are my son"
SCARLET: Right. Because if they came to be as close as father and son without actually being biologically related, it’d just cheapen the whole story.
After explaining all the details to Kit, Baloo finally managed to put him to bed.
"He’ll be excited tomorrow" Baloo said as he descended the stairs.
SCARLET: Oh, is his girlfriend coming over?
JOE: (whines)
Rebecca looked at him "You know Baloo, in that short time we were togeather..2
SCARLET: 2? Proofread and spellcheck, you idiot! And use punctuation correctly! Damn you!
JOE: 2gether? That MTV show?
"Yeah, what of it" Baloo said beginning to blush.
"I was going to say, It was short, but it was sweet.
SCARLET: Yeah, well, Viagra hadn’t been invented yet, so…
JOE: We’re thankful for that at least…
Thank you" And she kissed him on the side of the face.
The End.
SCARLET: I was right. Short, but unspeakably horrendous. [shudders]
JOE: Well, that’s it for my appetite! Reading these fics is a great way to remain trim, by the way…[shudders]
KATARINA: (blows kiss) Goodnight everybody!