Mossflower Talk

Episode 1  

SNOWFUR:  Hello, everyone!  Welcome to Mossflower  Talk, the only Redwall-based talk show on   the Net!  My guests today are all villains.  Cluny the Scourge, Slagar the Cruel, Tsarmina of the Thousand Eyes and Gabool the Wild.  Welcome, guys.


SLAGAR:  Hello.


GABOOL:  ...

SNOWFUR:  Gabool?  Are you all right?

GABOOL:  Th-the audience!

SNOWFUR:  What about them?

GABOOL:  I'm scared.

SLAGAR:  Don't tell me you've got stage fright.  What kind of visious searat king are you?

GABOOL:  Easy for you to say.  You're hiding behind that ugly mask.

SLAGAR:  Ugly?  Ugly?!  You want to see ugly, Gabool, I'll take off this mask!  Then you'll see ugly, you miserable little frogwhalloper!

GABOOL:  Who are you calling a frogwhalloper, slobberchops?

SLAGAR:  Slobberchops?  Why, I ought to--

SNOWFUR:  Well, well, well.  It's time for our first commercial break.  We'll be back after this.  (I hope.)

[cue peppy calypso music]

ANNOUNCER:  Is the Winter of the Head-deep Snows getting you down?  Do you long for warm sunshine and tropical breezes?  Look no further, matey!  Sampetra is the perfect vacation shop for you!  Far across the sea, in the place beyond where the sun sets is the wonderful island gem of Sampetra!  Cruises departing from Salamandastron and Southsward weekly!  Call your travel agent now!

SNOWFUR:  All right, we're back.

TSARMINA:  Can I point out how this whole thing is impossible because we all lived in different time periods, and there is no radio in Mossflower?  It's one huge anachronism.

CLUNY:  Anachrowhat?  Stop using such big words, Fluffy!


CLUNY:  Reowrrr.  Touchy, ain't you?

SNOWFUR:  Guys!  Be quiet!  I have a show to run, here!

SLAGAR:  You're no fun.

SNOWFUR:  Sigh.  All right, people.  Let's introduce ourselves before we start taking callers.  Cluny, you start.

CLUNY:  I'm Cluny the Scourge, the greatest warlord in history.

SLAGAR:  Are not!

TSARMINA:  Yeah!  Are not!

GABOOL:  Did you guys hear a funny noise?

SNOWFUR:  ENOUGH!  Slagar, continue.

SLAGAR:  Fine.  I'm Slagar the Cruel, Lord of the Mountebanks, Lunar Stellaris, et cetera.

[Cluny makes a coughing noise with the word "Chickenhound" thinly disguised between coughs.]

SLAGAR [frowning]:  What was that?

CLUNY [innocently]:  Nothing.

SLAGAR:  Bell bait.

CLUNY:  Hey!

SNOWFUR:  Tsarmina...

TSARMINA:  Ah, yes.  I am Queen Tsarmina Greeneyes, Ruler of Kotir and all

CLUNY:  Someone has a pretty high opinion of themselves.

TSARMINA:  Look who's talking, bilge breath!

SNOWFUR:  Gabool?  Can we please get this over with?

GABOOL:  I still say I heard a noise.

SNOWFUR:  I'm sure it was just the wind.  Now introduce yourself, please.

GABOOL:'m Gabool the Wild, King of the Searats.

CLUNY:  And champion bed-wetter.

GABOOL:  Hey!  Am not!

CLUNY:  Are too!

GABOOL:  I'll show you, you mangy, louseridden--

SNOWFUR:  AHEM!  Can we continue?

TSARMINA:  Please do.

SNOWFUR:  Thanks.  Now then, we have our first caller.  Grath Longfletch of the Holt Lutra is on the line from Ruddaring.  Grath?

GRATH:  Hi, Snowfur.  I've got a question for Gabool.

SNOWFUR:  Go ahead.

GABOOL:  I heard that noise again.

GRATH:  Would you prefer I chop off your head first, or cut off your paws, wavescum?!

GABOOL:  Hey!  What are ye mad at me for?  I never laid a claw on yer rotten old family!

GRATH:  You're still a searat, slobberchops!

SNOWFUR:  Er...thanks, Grath, but we have to take another commercial break.  We'll be right back with our next caller.

GABOOL:  I heard it again, and it wasn't the wind.

KINDLY MALE VOICE:  Is your castle, fortress or abbey missing that special
something?  Do you yearn for a little music in your life?  Then I, Joseph the Bellmaker,
can help you!  My bells come complete with customized carvings, and are guaranteed for
life, (or until they get dropped on someone.)  So call today, 1-888-555-BELLS.
Operators are standing by.

[sound of bells clanging]

SNOWFUR:  All right, we're back, and as soon as I can convince Cluny and  Gabool to get out from under their chairs, we'll be taking our next caller.  Come on, you two.  You're grown rats.  Come on out from there!

GABOOL:  B-but the bells!

CLUNY:  The clanging!


SLAGAR:  Wimps.

CLUNY:  Come under here and say that, Chickenhound!



SNOWFUR:  Fine.  Stay under your chairs.  I don't care.

CLUNY:  Reverse psychology won't work on me!

GABOOL:  I heard that funny noise again!

SNOWFUR [puts head down on desk in despair]:  All right.  Fine.  Next caller, please.

FEMALE VOICE:  Yeah, I have a question for the masked fox.  How come he never cleaned his room when he was a kid?  Huh?  That's what I'd like to know!

SLAGAR:  Mom?!

SELA:  That's right, young fox.  What makes you think you can run a slaving operation when you can't even pick up your dirty laundry?

SLAGAR:  Mom, you're embarassing me.  Cut it out!

SELA:  I'm embarassing you?  Try having company over when your son is a huge slob!  Now that's embarassing!

SLAGAR:  Mom!  Shut up!

SELA:  *Gasp!*  Did you hear how he talks to his dear, sweet old mother?

CLUNY [finally coming out from under chair]:  Harharharhar!  Dear sweet, old mother, my tail!  Harharharharhar!

SELA:  Shut your slimy gob, rat.  You'd be dead if not for me!

SNOWFUR:  I'm afraid I'll have to cut you short, there, Sela, but we have Abbot
Mordalfus on the line from Redwall Abbey.  Good evening, father Abbot.

MORDALFUS:  Good evening, my child.  How are you?

SNOWFUR:  Just fine, father Abbot.  A little frustrated with my obstreporous guests, but--

CLUNY:  I told you to cut it out with all the big words!

GABOOL [still under chair]:  I heard that noise again!  I'm scared!

SLAGAR:  Oh, shut up, fraidycat!

TSARMINA:  Watch it!

SLAGAR:  Oh.  Oops.

SNOWFUR:  Did you have a question for one of the guests, Abbot?

MORDALFUS:  More of a comment, really.  I just wanted to say that the Dibbuns here at Redwall behave better than you lot.

CLUNY:  Hey!  What happened to all that "Redwallers are kind to all creatures"

MORDALFUS:  It doesn't apply to vermin.

SNOWFUR:  What about Veil, Greylunk, Blaggut and Romsca?

MORDALFUS:  Uh...they don't count.

SNOWFUR:  Besides, I'm a rat, and you were nice to me.

MORDALFUS:  Well, yes, but...  I think I hear Cornflower and Mrs. Churchmouse calling for help in the kitchens.  Bye, now!    *CLICK*

SNOWFUR:  Gabool, are you planning on coming out from under there any time before the end of the show?


SNOWFUR:  Have it your way.  Uh...Our next caller is...well, speak of the devil, it's Veil!  Hello, Veil, you're on the air.

VEIL:  Yeah, I just wanted to ask if you have any advice for dealing with rotten parents.

TSARMINA:  Poison them.

SLAGAR [more to Cluny than Veil]:  Or shove them full of spears and leave them in a ditch!

GABOOL:  Doesn't anyone else hear that noise?

SNOWFUR:  Uh, Veil, don't listen to them.  Do what your heart says is right.

CLUNY:  Don't make me gag.

SLAGAR:  Puhleeeeeze.

TSARMINA:  Are you sure you're a rat, Snowfur?

SNOWFUR:  I'm a neutral rat.

VEIL [sarcastically]:  Well, you guys were a ton of help.  Thanks a lot.  *CLICK*

SNOWFUR:  Well, that leads nicely into the next commercial, I guess.  We'll be right back after this message from one of our sponsors.

FEMALE VOICE: Oh no!  What a mess!  How will I ever get these red wolfbane stains off my paws?

ANNOUNCER:  Worry no longer!  Now, with new extra-strength HerbalWash 4000, you'll never have to worry about those annoying wolfbane stains again!

FEMALE VOICE:  Wow!  Thanks!  This stuff works like a charm!

ANNOUNCER:  Hurry and get your bottle of HerbalWash 4000 today!  (Available only in the Redwall Abbey infirmary.)

SNOWFUR:  We're back.

TSARMINA:  They can hear that.

CLUNY:  That commercial was tasteless yet well-timed.

SNOWFUR:  Well, Veil did just call, and--anyway, that's all the time we have for today.  I want to thank my guests (I suppose) for being here tonight.  Cluny, Slagar, Tsarmina, and Gabool.  Gabool, you can come out from beneath your chair now.

GABOOL:  I still don't know what that noise was.

SNOWFUR:  I give up.  See you next season.  Until then, I'm your host Snowfur.  Good night, everybody.

[credits begin to roll]

Mossflower Talk is 1998 Katie Sullivan and may not be reproduced without permission.

The character Snowfur is Katie Sullivan.
All other characters and Redwall-related items are the wonderful Mr. Brian Jacques.

Any resemblance to real paranoid searats, maimed foxes, irritable wildcats or one-eyed rat warlords is completely coincidental.

Be sure to visit the Redwall Encyclopedia at

and the Official Redwall Website at 

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