Mossflower Talk

Episode 6

SNOWFUR:  Hello, friends!  Welcome to Mossflower Talk, the only Redwall-based talk show on the Net!
VEIL:  It's about time.

SNOWFUR:  Give me a break, Veil.  The webrat is starting college soon.  She's been busy.

VEIL:  Excuses, excuses.

SNOWFUR:  Ahem.  Anyway, my guests tonight are all reformed vermin: Romsca, Blaggut, Gingervere, and Veil.

VEIL:  Reformed vermin?  Hey, wait a minute!  You told me this show was going to be about the latest swimsuit fashions!  You said I could be a judge!

SNOWFUR:  I lied.

VEIL:  Why, you little--

SNOWFUR:  We're on the air live, remember.

VEIL:  #@^$&$#$*&@#!!!!

GINGERVERE:  Such language!

VEIL:  This sucks!  I should have just stayed home and read "Playvermin".

BLAGGUT:  Who reads "Playvermin"?

SNOWFUR:  Can we please get started?!

GINGERVERE:  Please.  Let's.

SNOWFUR:  All right.  I suppose I should include a spoiler warning here for anyone in our audience who has yet to read The Bellmaker, Pearls of Lutra, Outcast of Redwall and/or Mossflower.  That said, we'll proceed chronologically.  Gingervere?

GINGERVERE:  Hi.  First, I'd just like to say that I'm not really a reformed vermin.  In my heart, I never was a vermin.  I just like to farm.

VEIL:  Wuss.

SNOWFUR:  But you disassociated yourself with vermin to lead a peaceful life.  That's very admirable.

GINGERVERE:  And I've never been happier.

SNOWFUR:  Truly a success story.  Let's move on to...oh boy, here we go...Veil.

VEIL:  I'm not a reformed vermin!  I'm evil!  I am I am I am!

SNOWFUR:  No need to throw a fit, Veil.

VEIL:  My name can be rearranged to spell vile, and evil, and that's what I am!  Grr!

SNOWFUR:  My name can be rearranged to spell wunrfso, but so what?

VEIL:  But that doesn't mean anything!

SNOWFUR:  And wurfons.  And rownufs.

VEIL:  Oh, shut up.

SNOWFUR:  But you have to admit you sacrificed everything to save Bryony.

VEIL:  Did not!  I mean, I uh...  I just didn't want that no-good excuse of a father of mine to have the satisfaction of killing her.  Or something like that.

SNOWFUR:  You're a hero, Veil.

VEIL:  Am not!  I'm an evil, vicious warlord!  So there!  Nyah!

SNOWFUR:  Whatever you say, Veil.  And don't pout or your lip will stay that way.

VEIL:  Go jump off a cliff.

SNOWFUR:  Moving on...Blaggut.  You're probably the most reformed vermin of all.  Tell the audience how you left your life of piracy.

BLAGGUT:  Uh, hi.  Well, I always wanted to be useful.  Y'know, make things.  Like boats.  I make good boats.  But my pappy was a searat, and his pappy before him, so I was a searat.  Bos'n for Cap'n Slipp.  Oh, he were a right evil rat, that'n.  I'm tellin' you, matey!  But evil was alls I ever knowed, livin' as a searat.  Now, I ain't too bright, but I knows a good thing when I sees it, and Redwall was a very good thing.  I'd never seen folk livin' all nice and peaceful-like.  So I sez to meself, this is the place fer you, Blaggut!  But Slipp...oh, he was a bad'n.  He wanted to pillage the place!

SNOWFUR:  Yes, Blaggut.  We've read The Bellmaker.  Tell about how you reformed.

BLAGGUT:  Well, after that poor old badger...  [sniffle]

GINGERVERE:  There, there.

BLAGGUT:  Yeah.  Anyway, that was so awful and pointless, I just decided I wanted to be less like Slipp and more like those nice Redwallers.

SNOWFUR:  How's the boat building business?

BLAGGUT:  I just finished a right dandy little number for a nice vole couple up the river.

SNOWFUR:  Good.  Glad to hear it!  We'll take a break, and be back with Romsca after these messages.

ANNOUNCER:  All the smartest vermin these days are using fire arrows.  But now, thanks to new Flame-X fireproofing spray, your gates will stay intact through the most fiery attacks.  Don't let vermin armies overrun your fortress or abbey!  Flame-X is available at all major department stores.

PEPPY-SOUNDING FEMALE CHORUS:  The sun will always shine, the Sparras will always sing; whenever there are woodlanders there's always the real thing!  October Ale is always the one!  Whenever there is fun, there is October Ale!  Always October Ale!

CHIBB:  Spies aren't just in James Bond movies anymore.  I can find out anything you need to know, from anyone, anytime.  You can depend on me to uncover your enemies' secrets!  Just drop by my tree and we'll talk.  I accept candied chestnuts and all major credit cards.

SNOWFUR:  Okay, we're back.  Romsca, tell us your story.

ROMSCA:  Well, I was never one for pointless killing.  I had to have a reason, y'know.  But during that fiasco with the Pearls, I just got sick of the whole business.  Durral was so nice.  For the first time, I realized there was an alternative to the Corsair lifestyle.  I didn't have to sail around plundering.  But by the time I realized that, it was too late.

SNOWFUR:  Sort of a death bed conversion.

ROMSCA:  Yes.  But now thanks to the wonder of Fan Fic, I can be here to share my story.

VEIL:  Ooh, it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling.  No, wait.  That's revulsion.  Never mind.

SNOWFUR:  Be quiet,  Veil.  You're just jealous because Romsca has her own shrine on the Internet.

VEIL:  Am not!

BLAGGUT:  She has a shrine?  I don't have a shrine.  That's no fair!

SNOWFUR:  Calm down, guys.  The important thing is, you've turned your lives around.

VEIL:  I did no such thing!

[Veil sticks his tongue out at Snowfur.]

ROMSCA:  There's no shame in it, Veil.

VEIL:  Oh, go have a tea party with your dollies.

ROMSCA:  Why, you insolent little--

[Romsca draws her sword and goes after Veil.]

SNOWFUR:  CommercialNow!

ANNOUNCER:  The following is a public service announcement from the Long Patrol.

HARE:  Take that!  And that, you lousy vermin-type!

SEARAT:  Harr!  Step aside, flopears!  I want to conquer all of Mossflower!  Harr!

HARE:  Not while the Long Patrol guards these 'ere shores, old chap!  We won't let any of your kind past us, wot?

[Sounds of battle and swordfighting]

SEARAT:  Harr, retreat, mateys!  Those blasted hares are too tough!

HARE:  And don't come back!

ANNOUNCER:  The Long Patrol of Salamandastron.  Protecting our shores from seagoing enemies.

LOG-A-LOG:  Do you need to get somewhere fast?  There's no faster transportation in Mossflower than the Guosim longboats.  We'll get you where you need to go quickly, comfortably, and affordably!  Group rates are available.

RASPY VERMIN ANNOUNCER:  I don't know about you, but I hate it when I'm all ready to sack and pillage a place, only to find out my fire arrows are useless because those goody-goody woodlanders used that Flame-X junk on their gates!  But now, thanks to new Flame-X-B-Gone, I can burn gates all I want, no matter what!  Don't let your next invasion fizzle!  Go get some Flame-X-B-Gone today!  Available at all major department stores.

SNOWFUR:  Phew.  We're back.  And more or less in one piece, I might add.

[Romsca and Veil are now tied to chairs and gagged.]



SNOWFUR:  We have time to take a few callers now.  On the line, we have Swartt Sixclaw.  Hi, Swartt!

SWARTT:  Hi, Snowfur.  I just want to say to that spoiled brat of mine that he has no right to call himself a vermin.  He's a sissy little abbey-bred milksop, and the only thing he's good for is taking up space!


[Enraged, Veil struggles to break free, but only succeeds in tipping over his chair.]


SNOWFUR:  Uh...  Thanks for your input, Swartt.  Next caller!  We have Sandingomm on the phone.  Welcome to Mossflower Talk, you're on the air.

SANDINGOMM:  Gingervere, honey, when are you coming home?  The trash needs to taken out, the baby is sick, and you still haven't brought in that laundry from the clothesline.  The garden needs to be tilled, the flowers need to be watered, and that rotten snake has been snooping around the barn again.

GINGERVERE:  Er, yes, dear.  I'll be home right after the show.

SANDINGOMM:  And pick up a loaf of bread on the way.

GINGERVERE:  Yes, dear.

SANDINGOMM:  And be sure to get rye this time, not that grainy wheat stuff.

GINGERVERE:  Yes, dear.

SNOWFUR:  Next caller!

SANDINGOMM:  And get a carton of milk, too, darli--

DURRAL:  Hello?

SNOWFUR:  Hello, Abbot.

DURRAL:  Am I on the air?


DURRAL:  I'm on the air?

SNOWFUR:  Yes, Durral.  Go ahead and talk.

DURRAL:  Into the phone?

SNOWFUR:  No, into the blender.  Yes, the phone, Durral!

DURRAL:  Okay.  Uh...hi!

SNOWFUR:  Hello, Durral.

DURRAL:  I just wanted to say hello to Romsca.  She's such a nice young lady.  I'm so proud of her.


SNOWFUR:  Oh.  Oops.  Would one of the stagehands kindly remove our guests' gags?

[A mole stagehand scurries out and takes the gags off Romsca and Veil.]

ROMSCA:  That's better.

DURRAL:  I'm so glad you've found peace, my child.

ROMSCA:  I owe it all to you, Durral.

VEIL:  Don't make me sick!

SNOWFUR:  Watch your mouth, Veil, or I'll put the gag back on!

VEIL:  #&#@#$@*&!!!


GINGERVERE:  Someone should wash his mouth out with soap.

VEIL:  Go boil yer head, fuzz-brain!

GINGERVERE:  Abominable manners!

SNOWFUR:  All right, one more caller before I have to call security.  Caller 3, you're on the air.  Welcome to Mossflower Talk.

SUNFLASH:  Hello, Snowfur.  I know a sure-fire way to reform vermin.

SNOWFUR:  Dare I ask, what is that?

SUNFLASH:  Throw them off a cliff.  They get reformed all into a pancake!  Ha ha!

SNOWFUR:  Oh, good grief.

VEIL:  You fat old stripedog!  I'll tear ya to ribbons!  I'll tear out your guts and make you eat them!  That'll show you to mess with a Sixclaw!  Grr!

SNOWFUR:  Oh, gee, look at the clock.  I'm afraid we're all out of time.

VEIL:  We are not!

SNOWFUR:  The network wants to run "Married to the Horde," so our time slot is a little shorter than usual today.

VEIL:  That's the lamest excuse I've ever heard!  I'm never coming on your show again, Dorkfur!

SNOWFUR:  Thanks for tuning in for this episode of Mossflower Talk.  Join me again next time for another...interesting...visit with the denizens of Redwall and environs.

BLAGGUT:  Stop using all those big words!

SNOWFUR:  Sorry.  Cut, print, that's a wrap.  Roll the credits, Bernie.  And someone get Veil a non-caffinated beverage, please!

VEIL:  #@&%*@#%$*%!!!

[credits begin to roll]

Mossflower Talk is 1998 Katie Sullivan and may not be reproduced without permission.

The character Snowfur is Katie Sullivan.
All other characters and Redwall-related items are the wonderful Mr. Brian Jacques.

Any resemblances to reformed vermin is completely coincidental.

Be sure to visit the Redwall Encyclopedia at

and the Official Redwall Website at 

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